Hello world. The following is from 2014. I was being Guided to look at and contemplate the walls I had built within me to protect myself. I was being Guided to look at how I was blocking myself from receiving the gifts my Father and brothers were giving me with my fears...
Have you ever heard the saying, "Don't do anything in half measures. Always give it your all. Don't hold anything back."? Well, it seems that I have done just that. When I do something I do it to the best of my ability. I give and give and give till there is nothing left in me to give. Then I look within and find I still have more.
The problem here is that I keep giving without being willing to receive in return. I am actively refusing the gifts that my brothers would give me. How can my brother fulfill his purpose here if I will not accept his gifts to me? He can't.
I have to be willing to accept and receive the gifts my Father and brothers would give me. Until I do I am actively blocking the blessing God himself has for me. I sit here contemplating the issues that arise within my world. Will I be able to pay my bills? Can I afford to buy groceries today? How can I make ends meet this month? What else will the Dr. tell me is wrong this week? Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah...
The lesson I received this morning was quite the eye opener as to the "pride" my ego self has in giving. I feel great joy in serving others. Cooking a meal for others and watching the pleasure overcome them as they enjoy it. Having folks visit and taking them wherever it is they need to go. Not expecting to receive anything in return.
There is the crux. I am not expecting anything in return when I give. In actuality I am refusing any gifts they would give me in return. By doing that I am not allowing them to receive my gifts without instilling a sense of obligation or guilt. I need to learn to be more open to receiving. If I keep going the way I am I will most likely stay in this darkness much much longer then I need to.
I also realize that I have feelings of guilt, shame, and even fear in accepting gifts from others. I fear what it is that will be asked of me. What obligations am I stepping into by accepting this? As a child I learned very quickly from my abusers that if they gave me something... Something was always expected in return. Nine times out of ten it was something I didn't want any part of. Mostly because it involved something painful, shameful, fearful and filled with attachments of guilt and the hated "secrets".
I learned to put up a lot of walls around me. It was okay for me to give as long as it was my choice. I really do find great joy in doing this. Now, I need to overcome my terror in accepting the gifts others want to give me. I really need to start being willing to receive and realize that there will never be strings attached to it if I do not allow there to be any.
I don't have to be afraid any longer. No one can hurt me any more unless I allow them too. I need to break down all these walls to be free...
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.