Heaven
As a child, I had a vision/memory of Heaven. I remember beauty, no lack of any kind, joy, love and laughter. It was a realm where everyone could communicate from their souls with open hearts, love and complete empathy. I cannot place how and when I received this vision but it has been with me for as long as I remember. It comes from a very deep, old place in me and these vague glimpses have haunted me (in a good way) since I was a child. The knowing of this place used to come in and out of my consciousness regularly as a child and I told no one of it.
For some reason, there were a lot of shiny/shimmery pastel colours
It wasn't perfect however. I remember that when I was in that place, there was a sense of sadness hanging over me -- for some reason it felt as though I couldn't stay there as I was -- it was almost as though I didn't feel worthy of being (then) which only added to a developing burden of being defective in some way. The conversations I had in heaven were with people I didn't "know" and I just felt as if being there wasn't meant to be. In one of my previous posts, I mentioned another memory of not wanting to come into this world as I knew what this world/humanity was going to be like. I remember speaking to someone who convinced me I needed to be here. I hadn't linked these two disjointed memories together until very recently and it makes sense now that the latter would follow the first!
Soulmates
As an adult, occasionally, but rarely enough to be significant, I met people that felt very familiar to me. For example, when I would come across their face for the first time through a photo, something in me stirred…some kind of soul recognition. This had nothing to do with physical attraction but some mysterious intuition. Without having met those people, this recognition was always validated when I read their writing and then talked to them.
These people tend to be very similar to me in some important ways -- they're also intuitive, spiritually discerning, creative folk who've usually been involved in healing themselves and/or others. The most significant thing about being around these "soulmates" is that with each one of them I was able to have a much deeper quality of interaction than normal -- a sort of soul-resonance and sharing a wordless, energetic yet conscious communication to varying extents. I've come across around 14 such people in my life so far, 5 with exceptional connection.
I used to have a strong yearning to always be around soulmates like this -- some might call it wanting to find one's "tribe" or "soul group" but it wasn't quite so for me. Last year, I realized this yearning was connected to my unplaceable vision of Heaven. The deep soul/heart/authentic interactions I had with these "soulmates" were poor earthly mirrors to what was the norm in my vision. I realized my deep longing was actually for that Heaven itself! After that moment, I no longer felt that deep yearning. It would be deeply enriching and amazing to constantly have those kinds of interactions but I don't need it anymore.
High Sensitivity
This world has always felt very different to Heaven. As a 2-3 year old, I had a dreadful insight that things weren't going to go well for me "here" for a long time. I knew my interactions were going to be far from what I already knew was possible. I didn't understand why the adults around me couldn't communicate in the same way and I became more and more dejected.
I feel some of us "remember" Heaven somehow … I know I did for some reason. I wasn't supposed to "forget" completely. Since being born again things continue to fall into place bit-by-bit. I know I will never have all the answers in this life but I had understood some things about the high sensitivity trait (defined by Elaine Aron) a few days ago.
I believe my high sensitivity trait is somehow connected to these impressions of Heaven. My view is that human neurochemistry is primed for a different kind of society/existence and highly sensitive people (HSPs) feel this difference/shortfall to a stronger extent than those without the trait. When childhood environments are secure, HSPs thrive. On the other hand, HSPs suffer the effects of adverse conditions much more so than those without this trait.
HSPs may also feel very different to most people around them. The difference was sometimes so jarring for me that I felt like I might belong to another planet. HSPs may have been told by peers or family that they're "weird". As they get older, they might be attracted to sci-fi/ fantasy or "ET" phenomenon -- as a form of escape that reminds them of another, maybe better world.
I believe we are all more suited to a society with less sin (as children especially). The presence of sin, which is part and parcel of our Adamic nature, affects our entire Being -- energetically, emotionally and physically. Our hearts tend to harden as a result of this nature and life here. Our world is increasingly suffering from the effects of our own and others' hardened hearts -- hearts that cannot love each other and God as much as an open heart can.
Eden
Our wonderful biology carries the template of an existence we were originally designed for. The innate knowledge of this intended existence is the root of our deepest ideals, underneath all pain and trauma of life here. Our very code has the architecture for an ideal existence heart/soul connected to God and each other -- Eden.
Some of us consciously seem to be more resonant to this template of Eden than others and feel the difference between this world and the ideal (Heaven) more acutely. The dreamers in this world continue to dream of utopias but usually don't connect to the spiritual root of why we dream of it in the first place. Instead, many try to do recreate their own version of Eden through spiritual bypass, technology or politics -- all impossible tasks in my opinion.
It no longer matters to me that I can't place my memories of Heaven at a particular time in my earthly life. It doesn't matter whether those things happened to me as a foetus, baby or toddler; or even if it was all just a vision or dream. The latter is unlikely anyway considering the nature of those impressions and my biological/psychological development etc. What's important is that those impressions served to keep alive a more or less conscious link to my true nature -- even when I lost myself in atheism in my teens or the maze of spirituality after. Some knowing in me was present long enough to see the nature of my hardened heart and start to be open to my innately sinful Adamic nature.
It was only after being born again in the Holy Spirit and finding Jesus that my vision of Heaven etc. naturally started to integrate.
I'm thankful now God guided me, without my knowledge, through the realm of personal/psychological healing and into one of Holy Spirit/Jesus. Only then could I see an original design/template and its corruption more clearly.
I believe when we are born again and are immersed in the Holy Spirit, we get a little bit closer to running at "full capacity" and living our life purpose. We can see the contrast between this world and the world/life we are meant for in greater depth and in high definition. God guides us, moment-to-moment, on how to use our gifts in the world. If we let Him.
Everyone has their own vision of an ideal world but finding the one who created our template of the ideal is the key to seeing it how we can actually get closer to this world. We cannot be there unless we are saved from our corrupted Adamic nature. This is why, prior to being born again, even when I "was in Heaven" as an innocent child, I knew I wasn't ready to "belong" there.
Shame
Below is a graphic I created last year before being "born again". I was starting to realize then that we don't have a full picture of what shame is. I've expanded my perspective of shame a little bit since.
Shadow is a concept seen through a psychological framework but it is spiritually soul-sterile and devoid of an understanding of sin, our Adamic nature and God. Anything can hijack our subconscious innate knowledge of our fallen Adamic nature to trigger toxic shame. Likewise, any kind of psychological and spiritual wound is created and triggered in the same way. It can't be helped.
When we confront our sin, however, and are saved through Jesus, the situation is different. We can heal ourselves using countless other psychological and spiritual ways but it won't have an effect on our soul and afterlife.
Repentance
If we could all magically teleport to Heaven, we would see how far we fall short of having "citizenship" there, even if a place is open to all. Most of us refuse to see the full extent of our fallen Adamic nature or "repent" our sins.
Repentance is real and powerful. When we truly repent it has a psychological, spiritual and energetic effect on our very being - our experience of life here and, more importantly, our soul.
Jesus' parable of the wedding banquet described how many will refuse the invitation to God's Kingdom and how some who want to attend won't be ready for it. The repercussion of not repenting is basically not being ready for Heaven/ the Kingdom of God -- i.e. losing our place at the wedding. The parable also alludes to what happens to his messengers:
“The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son. He sent his servants to those who had been invited to the banquet to tell them to come, but they refused to come. Then he sent some more servants and said, ‘Tell those who have been invited that I have prepared my dinner: My oxen and fattened cattle have been butchered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding banquet.’
“But they paid no attention and went off—one to his field, another to his business. The rest seized his servants, mistreated them and killed them. The king was enraged. He sent his army and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. “Then he said to his servants, ‘The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’ So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, the bad as well as the good, and the wedding hall was filled with guests.
“But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. He asked, ‘How did you get in here without wedding clothes, friend?’ The man was speechless. “Then the king told the attendants, ‘Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ “For many are invited, but few are chosen.” -- Matthew 22:1-14
Jesus used a lot of symbols in all his parables but here are some meanings I see relevant to this post:
King = God
Son = Jesus
Wedding = Heaven/Jesus meeting his true church
Naked man = i.e. Adamic man who isn't wearing Jesus' salvation (born again in Holy Spirit + repentance).
Darkness = Hell
Eden
It's obvious the world can be better! The idealists, dreamers, highly sensitive and everyone else have their own ideas of how and why.
We all have good intentions but we also know from history that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Our fallen Adamic nature will get us into trouble because our actions will always come from an unbalanced, Godless place. Our intended utopias invariably cause harm and suffering without us realizing. Our own visions will never satisfy our innate template of Eden and Heaven however much we think we can develop technologically, politically, psychologically or psychically.
The world isn't as it was intended to be and that was part of the plan from the start.
I believe I was also given the vision of Heaven in order to share what I've learned. Time IS running out -- for each one of us individually and the world.
Recognition
If any of the notions in this post are true, whether or not you recognize those truths will have some effect on your soul. If this is all hogwash, it doesn't matter. I sincerely believe this is all true with where I stand now.
On a final note, I still wonder a little why I felt a soul recognition with the aforementioned "soulmates". I haven't properly explored that yet. Perhaps these people also have some awareness, resonance or alignment to their innate design or even Heaven. My soul might have detected a clearer resonance than it might do with everyone else. Or perhaps I've met these people somewhere else before. I'm more inclined to believe the former than the latter but I know I'll probably find out some day :)
Nadine
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If you've been touched by my writing or feel something similar, I hope you share below.
wow. what a beautiful pic...
thank you :) I tried to capture the spirit of my vision/memory