James Rodriguez: The New Image of Colombia…

By Rick Fischer.

First things first, for those not familiar with the Colombian pronunciation of the name, James: that is [ˈxamez] HAMESS, not /ˈd͡ʒeɪmz/ JAYMZ.
Why this as the first line of the article?

Well because this unique pronunciation of his name in South-America, secondary to Spanish phonetics, and the contemporary naming costumes in Colombia, has led to a very particular misunderstanding between South Americans overseas and… Non-Spanish-speaking football fans, it usually goes something like this:

Non-Spanish-speaking-dude: “Hey what do you think about James (JAYMZ) being loaned to the Bayern München?”
Spanish-speaking-dude: James (JAYMZ)? James (JAYMZ) Who?
Non-Spanish-speaking-dude: James (JAYMZ) Rodriguez
Spanish-speaking-dude: Ahhhh you mean James (HAMESS), oh I think that’s pretty awesome, can’t wait to see what the kid’s gonna do in the München, y’know, at such young age he already stuttered his way into the Golden Boot last World Cup.

Non-Spanish-speaking-dude: Oh, does he have a stutter?
Spanish-speaking-dude: The hell he does! It sure isn't beatboxing what he does with the press at the end of matches…
Yeah in his home country he is lovingly but heavily bullied for that… can’t wait to see him trying some German… he’ll never make it to the verb at the end of the sentence…

Yeah, we’re kind of assholes, but it’s just the fact that we follow a tough love doctrine.
So, having finally cleared that up; let’s talk about this awesome football player.

Ermm I almost forgot Ameribros we’re talking real football here the one you heathens call “soccer” - for God knows what reason - not the hand-egg BLM/NFL, ungrateful-assholes-niggers, the politicized version you like (less and less according to NFL ratings by the way). Got to love how “professional” those (((players))) are…

So in case you’ve been living under a football deprived rock for the last decade:

Born: James (HAMESS) David Rodriguez Rubio on the 12th of July 1991 in the city of Cúcuta, Colombia, this kid has a lot of notches under his belt for this young age:
Second youngest Colombian player to start in a professional match at the age of 14
Youngest foreigner to score a goal in Argentina nicknamed the “James (JAYMZ) Bond of Banfield” for the last minute goal in finals match in 2010 with the Olé magazine already comparing his style of that of Cristiano.
As part of the Colombian under-20 squad in the 2011 Toulon tournament was voted MVP of the tournament in which the Colombian team was the champion.

Praised by Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson for his performance in the 2011 U-20 World Cup, after being previously named the team captain.

During his tenure in Porto FC he: won the price for the breakthrough player of the year of the Portuguese League in 2012 - first Colombian to do so. Won twice the Portuguese Player of the Month, and in 2012 won the Portuguese Golden Ball being the second Colombian to do so, and at 20 years of age the youngest player ever to hold the honor. He ended his tenure at Porto FC as the 2nd most expensive transfer in Portuguese football and the most expensive in the French Ligue 1.

His performance in the CONMEBOL qualifiers for 2014 is… well it’s just fucking awesome, go check it out on YouTube or something… I just can´t describe it; though he wasn’t the top scorer for the team, he was giving assists, causing penalty shots and making some awesome free-kick goals and assists all over the qualifiers… it was fucking amazing…

Oh but then came the 2014 World Cup… three unforgettable things:

First die Nationalmannschaft, they’re probably still the best in the world, don’t forget the most important fact about football “in the end the Germans always win…”

Second the rape of Brazil at the hands of The Hun with the 1-7 score. Remember when PornHub asked people to stop uploading videos of the match? Pepperidge farms remembers…

And third this kids performance: at the end of the group stage he was ranked best performing player by FIFA, was voted FIFA’s man of the game in three of his first four matches of the cup, scoring in all his teams opening matches (first to do so since Ronaldo and Rivaldo in 2002)… and then there was that masterpiece in the round of 16, that master-fucking-piece of a volley against Uruguay. If you haven’t seen it… man! Give yourselves a treat and go look it up in youtube… described by opposing coach Oscar Tabarez as "one of the greatest goals the World Cup has ever seen"… that volley was voted best goal in the tournament by ca. 4 million people on FIFA’s website.

He earned the Golden Boot as top scorer of the tournament despite Colombia being eliminated in one match later in quarterfinals… we’re not going to talk about (((FIFA))) and how they are making football as legitimate as the WWE (for those unfamiliar with it is the wrestling but the one with John Cena in it).
Diego Maradona said James (HAMESS) deserved the Golden Ball instead of his compatriot and actual recipient Lionel Messi… the kid did not only got to play with Jiminy fucking cricket on his shoulder but was on top of the world…

Then was his famous transfer to the Real Madrid (of ca. 80€million), made him the 4th most expensive player in history, the 3rd most expensive in Real Madrid’s History, and the most expensive Colombian player…

After that he hit some sort of rough patch: some disagreements with Zinedine “the hard-headed moor” Zidane, some weight issues, and one incident about speeding and a police chase with the most Colombian phrase ever said to the police “I thought it was a kidnap attempt” and a divorce for cheating on his wife…

And then finally his two-year loan to the Bayern München… in which so far as it seems he appears to be doing quite well… which could mean that the problem was Zidane “hard-headedness” (yeah two of those in the same post).

So we Colombians get to enjoy a brand new image overseas that of a very talented guy at kicking a ball filled with air, and cheating on his pregnant wife and then leaving her... I'm guessing Jiminy Cricket didn't stay in his shoulder much longer after that game...

P.B.S. Thank you for reading! Let me give a shout out to (((@erwtro))) for a little formatting and trying to keep me coherent and to @davleo1119 for the incoming german version