Behind my smile is a breaking heart,
Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart,
Behind my eyes are tears at night,
Behind my body is a soul trying to fight.

This is a poem that I used to describe who am I.

Everybody knows me as a happy person; I'm fun of smiling and laughing, but on my inner self I'm not that kind of person. I am sad, a loner and owned a lot of problems.

Childhood

Since I was a child, I've been a witness of my parent's hardship; I even saw my mother crying because of the insults of my aunties about our living situation. We've just trodden of well-educated relatives.

At the age of ten, my father got a disease called schistosomiasis; no one helps us even his brothers and sisters, so my family decided to live in my grandmother's house and to sell our house and lot for his medical treatment.

At the age of eleven, another trial came to our life. My mother got sick for almost a year; even to stand up she cannot do, and my father was still in the hospital for his treatment, so I take care of my brethren. Since I was the eldest child, I was forced to work at an early age; I even collect used plastics and cans to sell; I also wash clothes to make money, then go fishing and collect shells in the river for food with the help of my friends. There is a point that I'm almost drowned in the river because of this routine, if my friend did not save me, maybe you will not know me.

I pray hard and go to the church every day; I pray for the recovery of my parents and God did not disappoint me, my parent's health becomes better after a year.

Highschool Life

My experience in Highschool was good since my parents are both okay. I became active in curricular activities; I love arts, design, dish gardening and I'm fun of joining a contest. My greatest achievement was winning the 1st place in dish gardening and boot design; my silly designs win! Haha, however, I also lost in tie-dying and entered a lot of drawing contest, but I didn't win.

College Life

Before I entered college, my ideal course was Architecture; I want to become an architect, but destiny did not allow me to achieve that dream. I didn't know why I did not qualify on that course; my grades are okay, or maybe I did not pass the exam, or I'm not qualified to their standards, or I'm just untalented human.

I picked another course, and I take Mechanical engineering. After one semester, I try again to apply in CAAD Department (Architecture and Allied Discipline); I realized that I give too much effort to achieve that dream; yes! I qualified in my second try, but I'm not happy and disappointed; I asked my self, why now? And why not before? So, I continue my course and forget about architecture; I stop artworks, designs, landscaping, gardening except for engineering drawing.

I feel I'm untalented now because of not using it for almost five years; I think the talent is gone; I forgot to become me before, and I'm trying to get it back because of this community. Steemit is telling me to harness what I have in the past, and it takes time and practice.

Goals

''I am a dreamer''
Due to my childhood experienced, I am motivated to do good and excel in life. I have a lot of dreams for my family - a goal not for my self but for everybody. I want to buy our own house and live in a place far from contemptuous people; I want to provide the needs of my family in the future and send my brothers and sisters to school. I do not wish to have my own family; I need to secure first the life of my parents and brethren; I experienced a lot of heartaches in my love life, so I don't want to enter another relationship again. Until now, I'm still in the moving-on stage from my past six years relationship.

I'm afraid not to graduate and not to take the board exam because of the financial problem; that's the reason why I keep on steeming... to save money for upcoming thesis and Mechanical Engineering licensure exam, cause no one can help me but myself.

Things I love

I'm fun of playing xylophone, piano, and flute. I love using mind maps and brain techniques. Spending time by the coast helps me vanish my stress, and it makes me relax and calm. Biking and swimming are another deeds I love the most; I feel complete whenever I did these as an exercise.

What I learned

The things I learned in life is to keep moving forward. Even others pull you down, keep dreaming; nothing is impossible with God, and everything happens for a reason.

Trials make as brave, and it gives us motivation.

Thanks, @surpassinggoogle for making this contest.
I truly express my self here. 😊

Quotes source:
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🔓I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become [ Untalented Story ] ''Who am I'' ?