Chester Bennington you will forever be remembered

Some people will say suicide is being weak, or he was wealthy so he should of got help, some people will criticize a man, who they never met or know much about his actual life. We still don’t know what was going on with him before this event occurred, maybe he had a form of mental illness that just drove him deeper in a hole, maybe something was happening with his family or lifestyle that affected him negatively and put him on this course. We can’t be sure yet, but one thing is true. Chester’s life wasn’t an easy one, drug abuse, bullying, sexual abuse, this leads to an amount of drama that some people can never cope with. Mental health in 2017 is still a issue that is fought about, the effects and possibility of just working through it through force, we have the scientific data, and overwhelming it shows mental health when not treated correctly can be destructive.

My name is Vinchimedies, I personally have Bipolar disorder, I’m a Bipolar Depressive, everyday is a struggle, but help takes time, it took years for me to learn how to cope with this disease, when times were dark and I was undiagnosed in some of the toughest moments in my life, I was lost, thought I wouldn’t of made it through, sometimes even thought suicide would just be better for everyone if I was gone. I hurt people, hurt myself, and was a destructive force to everyone around me. In my 3 year long recovery to the road of enlightenment, I have faced the same harsh hurdles of reality of the aftermath I left for myself, before this, I was someone who criticize people for being weak and thought mental illness was just a excuse of being weak. It’s easy to call it an excuse when you dig your own issues as deep as they can go, people forget how to feel and become numb to reality, sometimes, when you’re so unaware of yourself, it becomes easy to criticize others for the issues they are strong enough to face. My personal struggle has taught me one thing, true strength is facing your issues head on, and learning to feel again, overstaying cut off from your true self.

Chester Bennington was someone who had a hard upbringing, not all the time people with a hard upbringing get the help they need, or discuss the things that happened and how it affects their behavior. If you’re someone like me, you don't even know those issues created from this upbringing even exist. As a teenager Chester struggled with alcohol and drug abuse, he was bullied in self esteem aspects and physical aspects. His parents divorced when he was 11 years old. Chester eventually overcame his drug and alcohol addiction, but with the rock star lifestyle they were never far away from grasp. In 2011, he came out in an interview about being molested as a child, he talked about how he was 7 to 13 years old, he struggled to come out and tell people because he worried about being called gay or be accused of lying. He use to write songs, poems and draw pictures.

Chester lived a life of a rockstar for sure, but nobody will ever know the reality of what went through his head before his death. In his last interview with Will Lavin, he talked about his battle with depression and how the last album that came out, was “therapeutic” for him and helped him through a hard time. In other interviews his friends discussed how the death of his good friend and other HOF rocker, Chris Cornell’s death shocked and changed Chester. In the interview with Will Lavin he said “I came to a point in my life where I was like, I can either just give up and fucking die or I can fucking fight for what I want, and I choose to fight for what I wanted. I wanted to have good relationships. I wanted to love the people in my life. I wanted to enjoy my job. I wanted to enjoy being a dad and having friends and just getting up in the morning, because that was a struggle for me.” He talked openly about how this new album helped him cope with some of the darkest times in his life, also that this is when he decided to fight for what he wanted. He talked about how the album One More Light got into a lot of the band's issues and that it is a very therapeutic album. This album is about the lyrics, listen to the songs and you see that its very heart appealing and powerful music. He also discussed how before this album begun he felt like “I felt like the world was full of shit and everybody I knew was full of shit and life sucks and I was like Fuck it”. He discusses that the album was something that drove him to help himself “It was all really things I could work on if I chose to, and make myself happy. You know? Make myself capable of dealing with life on life’s terms, like its not always going to be peaches and cream but it doesn’t always have to suck when it’s not.” This interview digs deep into the life of Chester Bennington, it shows before the work on One More Light, he was in a bad place mentally and could of been struggling with the demons he had, some could even come to accuse that Chris Cornell's death could've been a shock event that put these feelings on full frontal.

I always tell people to read the poetry of people with severe depression, or artwork by them to understand in some form how it could feel. This poem strikes home for me, for multiple years of my life I put a façade up when around people, but when I was alone felt myself crawl out.

she is so similar, yet different in every way
I look in the mirror and we're identical
yet inside tells a different story
at times she is my best friend
and others she is my worst enemy
I love her more than anything
yet I hate her so much
I wouldn't change her for the world
but I wish she was different
we are so far apart
yet so close that we are united as one
we go by the same name
and have the same date of birth
we have the same DNA
and the same identity
we share everything
yet she is a complete stranger
Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/-people-in--body

Sometimes you lose yourself and forget who you are, you fall into this trap of believing that you are the darker side of yourself, and forget how to have any joy and only feel darkness, or in true Linkin Park songs, Numb. Throughout Linkin Park’s musical work, you see these songs with the lyrics that are catchy and everyone knows, but if you truly listen to them, they don't sound so far apart from a painful poem. Moments in some lives, like after a break up, losing a loved one, fights with friends, or just depressive moments we have certain music we listen to that relates. For someone like me, that was always Linkin Park, no matter the dark moment I was having, their music would always help me through it.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take!

Is one example of feeling alone, untouchable, distasteful, codependent, unsure of oneself, self esteem being broken, unable to understand what one needs, but it also is empower, self reliance in a moment it's needed. Powerful, painful, yet beautiful.

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

We can just look at One More Light and see the lyrics as beautiful and powerful as the album is, to a roadmap to understand Chester and the battles that were happening. We see someone who created music that has helped so many, through so many times in people's lives. For myself, if there is one band I can say that I am thankful for in my life that has helped me through times I felt on edge, it was Linkin Park. Knowing that Chester is gone is hard, for myself this is the first time someone who was a entertainer who I never even seen in show, has died that feels like someone I know. It is tearing me up inside knowing that Linkin Park’s music might end with One More Light and not continue on, as their music has always been one of my favorites. But more important, relatable and powerful about the troubles people have in their lives. The stigma you see against somebody like Chester for taking his own life, being “selfish” or “weak” is asinine. It shows the disconnect with the reality of life, its hard, its painful, and for some, its unbearable. Sometimes instead of criticize and demonize, support, and talk out about it. For myself, I kept it bottled up for so long, it almost reached that breaking point, I have been in a place that I was so disconnected with my feelings I couldn’t feel at all. Today, I cry listening to One More Light, the power, the pain, the reality I can feel in it. Sometimes people make decisions we don’t approve of, but it isn’t our place to judge. We all make decisions other don’t like, but sometimes they are the best for us.

Rest In Peace Chester Bennington,
Love Vinchimedies, someone’s life you helped save with your music.