“If the two of you cannot disagree and argue to a solution, you are relatively unlikely to stay married.” - Tom Cory
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The first time I came across that statement from a write up, I knew exactly what the writer was talking about. That moment when you subconsciously understand something but you find it difficult to express it just the appropriate way and finally find someone who did. This scribble is for all facets of life and not just romantic relationships.
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These days argument, disagreement so to say are rather perceived as antagonisms, hate, attack, quarrel. Rather than discuss things out, to sort out our differences and come to a solution, we shy away from them, thinking it's a sign of disunity when we disagree over things, or sometimes feel we are being attacked when questioned.
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I was constantly bashed when I asked for things to be talked about in my last relationship. The person felt I just loved discussions, that I should let everything slide. Of course, the relationship ended eventually, despite the patching ups here and there. One didn't want any conversations, or to be questioned. The other preferred things to be talked about. Over time, I keep learning that our childhood, the structure of our parents have a strong influence in our adulthood and how we relate with people, especially our spouses.
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In philosophy, the aim of arguments is to know what truth is. The aim is always objective. Today, people just disagree with you because they have a dislike for you, even when what you're saying is correct. These days, we all want to be understood. Most don't want to understand firstly. Rather than listen to the other person, we are usually waiting for them to finish talking so we can air our own opinions. Some persons are rather fault-finders. They never acknowledge the good in a thing but are always quick to point out errors. Also, objective disagreement is seen as hate or jealousy. Political correctness is becoming the order of the day. The aim of disagreement is loosing its place.
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All throughout history, no empire, or revolution was wrought without disagreement coming first. Is the French political power of then, the establishment of the U.S on her journey to becoming a world power? People had disagreements upon disagreements to the right direction.
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Five years ago, when the subject of eternal salvation began taking its roots in church discussions and teachings in some parts of Nigeria. In my school fellowship, it had actually caused a certain division. Some persons were for eternal salvation while some others were against it, thinking it was a doctrine from the pits of hell. I could imagine the excos of that session must have felt the organisation they were placed in charge of was crumbling right in front of their own eyes and they were helpless. I felt same too, then. Most persons were scared. Again, everyone was arguing to be correct and to prove the other person wrong who held divergent belief of the doctrine, whether for or against. People were studying to solidify their own claim only, rather than question their own beleifs. It was a pathetic era, not because of the disagreement but because of the way it was handled by all. It led to verbal attacks, it went physical on very few occasions.
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No positive change can be achieved without disagreements. None. It takes courage to disagree and aim to come to a place of solution.
One thing I repeatedly told her was, in the process of members of an organisation or two individuals in a relationship or marriage, getting to be united, it involves misunderstandings and disagreements sometimes. No two persons are the same. Automatically there will be soms level of hurts in the process of getting to know and understand each other. We would step on each other's toes unknowingly sometimes. In the era of the apostles, the early church, disagreement occured on several occasions. Even paul had to write to the church in Ephesus for them to bear with each other as it is written in Eph 4: 2,3. Disagreement didn't start today. It started when God made more than one human being.
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There's a difference between uniformity and unity. What brings true intimacy is the latter. What wroughts true harmony is the latter. I don't see any reason why we should feel we are being attacked when corrected, especially by someone we know loves us. We have been called not to think alike but to think to a solution. We have been called to be united and not to be uniformed.
Disagreement, enables us to question our convictions, beliefs and things we had held dear for years. To question your belief doesn't make you a rebel or a non loyal fellow. Infact, a conviction questioned, when it proves its authenticity after, is even more solidified than the one never allowed to pass through the funnel of disagreement and questioning. It becomes a trap and an unnecessary repeatition. Disagreement is one the ways to sustainable progress and development in every sphere of life.
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As a matter of temperaments, misconceptions, backgrounds, some people would rather leave and ignore disagreement rather than confront the situation. For a healthy relationship, marriage organisation to be made possible, it is important we disagree rightly. It is pertinent we come to a style of disagreeing. It is important we learn to come to a solution through disagreements and not take things personal. It is right not just to air own opinion and seek ways to justify why they are right alone, it better to also gain other perspective of the matter, see where the other person is coming from. It is essential we know that not talking when necessary, is rather a sign of disunity than of unity because even if we act like everything is okay when infact they're not, we would end up divided eventually because the problems would manifest unlike if we discussed, talk things out, come to a solution and move on.
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It is stressful trying to gain the other person's perspective. It is stressful to disagree. What is way more stressful and hurtful is if we refused to go through the necessary stresses in understanding ourselves properly and disagreeing to a solution, thereby leading to an eventual chaos and destructive division.
Disagreement is how true peace and unity are attained. It is how new Ideas are generated.
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