Nah, this is not a post about sex. Or not entirely. We will talk about acting like you are too sexy when you actually doubt it. But first things first. We will get there in no time :)
After we had discussed the good (adaptive) ways of dealing with stress, last time I invited you to take a closer look into some of the behaviors that are… well, let’s call them trouble-makers. We talked about the avoidant coping style and its many faces.
This article is about something that we all do now and then when we feel inadequate or threaten in some way. It is called overcompensation. The word speaks for itself: you try to compensate for something … and you overstep.
And here comes the sexy part. A very common and relatively harmless overcompensation is when you feel insecure but you play it too cocky. Even if you don’t do it now, I bet you did it in high school. Oh, Gosh, teenage years could be so embarrassing! Aaaand cut. That was the sexy part. But if you would like to read more about sex and embarrassing teenage years you can check @alexander.alexis great list of articles :)
Playing too sexy (or in other words - demonstrating high self-esteem to cover low self-esteem) is not such a big deal and happens to everyone at some point in their life. However, things could get a little bit ugly when in order to overcompensate one’s feeling of inadequateness he or she reacts in an aggressive or hostile way. As I mentioned in my previous articles, a stressful situation is one in which we feel threatened. In such circumstances, it is common for many people to counterattack in order to protect themselves. It is completely understandable – this is a classic fight or flight mode. Nevertheless, sometimes we only interpret a situation as extremely threatening (e.g. when we overgeneralize or catastrophize) while in reality it isn’t. Furthermore, being aggressive is not the smartest thing to do in general.
Now, I can hear you asking: “What is she talking about?" OK, you are right. Let’s stop theorizing and see an example.
I had a funny experience the other day in the supermarket. I bought a low-priced bread. I noticed that the lady at the pay desk added it manually into the bill and didn’t pay attention to the low-priced label on it. I politely ask her if the price she manually added was correct. She realized she had made a mistake. However, instead of acting like a mature individual and apologizing for it, she counterattacked. She raised her voice a little and said I didn’t put the bread right on the pay desk so that she could see the low-priced label. Obviously, this was what she was paid for – working on the pay-desk and checking the price-tags. Her argument was inappropriate. She felt threated and responded in a maladaptive way which could have made things worse. For example, I could have made a complaint to the manager. I decided that I didn’t want to get into meaningless arguments and said nothing. But you never know what is going to happen with the next clients and what their reaction would be :)
Counterattacks could be represented by defying, abusing, blaming, attacking, or criticizing others. (3) Actually, it is the opposite behavior of accepting responsibility. This was what the cashier did – instead of taking responsibility and apologizing for her honest mistake, she counterattacked.
Now, if you think that you got it and there is no way you will miss to notice it when someone is overcompensating, let me disappoint you and say that that is not all of it. Overcompensation has another variation called Excessive recognition and status seeking (3).
Now, before you start judging yourself, it is important to state that we all seek recognition and feel good when people appreciate us. But it gets inappropriate when this is the only purpose we see in doing things. Some people are motivated only by the recognition of others and they demand it at any price. This could be a real deal breaker in relationships or at the workplace.
Let’s see an example. A colleague at work offered their help when they saw you struggling with deadlines. However, the next day they start rolling eyes, sulking and giving you “I will kill you” looks out of nowhere. It turns out that they feel that you didn’t thank and praise them enough for giving you a hand. You wonder how is that so? Let’s see. What did you do first thing in the morning? You had a coffee with the others instead of running to your boss telling him about their immediate unselfish reaction the other day?! “Thank you” is never enough! What kind of person are you?!?!?!?!
Now you get my point?
Venting
Venting is a process of discharging your negative feelings by expressing them to others (1). This is an emotionally focused technique which aims a relief from the negative feelings through a loud expression. It is referred to as a maladaptive coping strategy because it focuses one’s attention at the negative events and thus preserves him or her from engaging in a proactive behavior. Furthermore, focusing on the unpleasant aspects of the situation may cause you to interpret the circumstances more negatively than if you were to remain focused on the steps to resolve them. (1).
It is always good to share your emotions. However, often people mistake venting with expressing emotions. While expressing emotions could lower your stress levels and promote health, venting tends to be focused only on negative emotions. Usually, it prevents you from engaging in more constructive behavior.
In addition, shouting at your loved one is never going to do any good. You may think that you will be relieved from the anger, the disappointment or the frustration, but this is not exactly the case. Furthermore, this kind of emotional outburst will most probably damage your relationship. Brad Bushman questions venting as a successful coping mechanism. In his study, the participants were divided into two experimental groups and two control groups. The first group of angry people (yeah, these mad psychologists made them angry first) were hitting a ball thinking of the person who angered them. As a result, they became angrier and the most aggressive amongst all other groups. The control group did exactly the same (hitting the ball) with the tiniest difference – they were thinking about getting fit. Guess what? They reported being the least angry. Hm, so Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and The Rock are potentially very anger-free guys, heh :D
Back to the study – even doing nothing at all seemed to be better than venting the anger! I am a bit surprised by the latter but I shouldn’t be. Thinking about the events and the people who angry you is a kind of rumination. You can check a lovely post about this phenomenon by our wonderful (but lately missing) @abigail-dantes (waiting for you to come back soon, @abigail-dantes).
Now, when I think about it, I have used this kind of venting with sports, e.g. when jogging. Maybe it didn’t make me feel happier but it definitely gave me some extra fuel to run a bit further. So, at least there is a silver-lining to it. But, as it turns out, it is not a successful way to deal with what is bothering you, so next time when you do sports just think of how fit, healthy and good-looking you are going to be. At least, that’s what I am going to do ;)
There are many other constructive ways to share your feelings. You could try reflection, mindfulness, and/or cognitive reappraisal. Check my previous articles for some more stress-hacks.
So, thank you as always for spending time reading my article! Does some of this ring a bell? I will be extremely thankful if you share your thoughts on the subject.
My stress series is finally coming to an end. Next time I will publish a surprise stressless article that was made thanks to all of you who spent the time to share their thoughts. But I am not going to reveal any more details. See you soon!
PS: Please note that muscles shouldn't be central criteria when picking a husband!
Created by @insight-out, Valeria Sim.
All rights reserved.
Previous articles about Stress and Coping:
How to Cope with Stress? (Part 1) What is Stress?
How to Cope with Stress? (Part 2) Adaptive vs Maladaptive Coping Strategies
How to Cope with Stress? (Part 3) Problems and Irrational Thinking
How to Cope with Stress? (Part 4) Negative Emotions
How to cope with Stress? (Part 5) Humor and Friends
Survivng the Holidays. Psychology Christmas Special
How to Cope with Stress? (Part 6) Run and Hide
References:
- Brown, S., Westbrook, R., Challagala, G. (2005). Good Cope, Bad Cope: Adaptive and Maladaptive Coping Strategies Following a Critical Negative Work Event, Journal of Applied Psychology, Vol. 90, No 4, 792-798
- Bushman, B. (2002) Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? Catharsis, Rumination, Distraction, Anger, and Aggressive Responding, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Volume: 28 issue: 6, page(s): 724-731
- http://www.schematherapy.com/id71.htm
- https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness/
Images (under CC0 Creative Commons):
https://pixabay.com/photos/musician-rockstar-band-music-rock-664432/
https://pixabay.com/illustrations/old-angry-woman-person-white-face-607710/
https://pixabay.com/illustrations/man-angry-drawing-sour-face-857502/
https://pixabay.com/illustrations/gabriel-moral-illustration-art-2519845/
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Love this post @insight-out; too bad we don't understand even half of this stuff when we're teenagers :)
Good luck on the minnow status ... gave you my 100% upvote :)
Thank you so much, @lyncoyle1! I really appreciate it that you not only upvoted but actually read my article :) This means a lot to me!
I hope that you and your family are all well! <3
You're welcome! I do know there are a lot of skimmers around here :)
Youre the best.
i love you guys and as always, i send my best healing peaceful vibrations your way.🤗🤗
And long time, no talk.
This lady here is amazing. I just found her through @tryskele. If only i could write half this good. But im like a cat.......im completely fucused, until i see a butterfly or a toy...or a laser pointer. Then it's off to distractionland.😁
I hope everything is going well for you and Brian. I havent been by your place in so long. And for that i am sorry. I do think of yous often and have meant to stop by...but my innercat always gets the best of me.😂 Anyway, i really need to go. That kitty cat is the one that brought me here today. Im supposed to be working on my bathroom.....
Two hugs...one for you and one for Brian. Please make sure he gets it.😊
awww thank you John :) We're hanging in there ... Brian got a big hug from you; I threw in a kiss but said that was from me haha And no worries about visiting; I haven't done a post in some time now. I just decided to spend as much time with Brian and less on my laptop ... I'll have the rest of my life for that!
I've got the "cat" disease too haha ... 5 things on the go and none finished because something else always pops up!
Hope you and yours are doing well too my friend!
The first sentence almost made me give up on the article. But the second one gave me hope :P
I've known several guys like that! And age didn't cure them!
That was a strange cashier. Usually it's customers who are finicky and weird.
Counterattacking most assuredly happens when women criticize each other's looks! I always found it a strange reaction since the truth of a statement doesn't depend on how ugly the person who said it is.
From the things you listed, I think I'm most prone to venting. I don't exactly vent cos I just keep things to myself, but I definitely become less patient and my anger-fuse gets shorter.
Hahahhahahahaha! Oh, God! How delicate in choosing words you are!
I must say that I am a women beauty lover. I always notice beautiful women and point them to my husband. But it turns out that we don't share a taste in common. However, he rarely points beautiful women to me, you know, because I am the prettiest he has ever met :D ... and he is a genuinely smart guy :P
That's a surprise! I thought that you are in a constant nirvana looking to others from your philosophical cloud spreading wisdom and teasing them from time to time :D :D :D
I'm throwing a vicious circle into the balance.
Unfriendly and absent customers produce unfriendly and uninterested cashiers, unfriendly cashiers produce unfriendly customers. The chain of evil can be broken by being consistently friendly, attentive and interested in the well-being of others. One takes up short genuine eye contact to the cashier and the bystanders, appreciates briefly the human being. One appreciates the thousands of times everything goes smoothly and does not exaggerate it when it is not so.
In public space, we are all equally good and bad role models, aren't we?
I don't say that specifically to you. But it strikes me that such stimulus reaction chains are actually quite simple to solve if one behaves surprisingly differently.
For me, this example was also a good reminder to stick to my own advice when shopping the next time :-)
This was a great read! So much insight(pun intended.)(sure you've heard it before too.😂)and also so funny. I love how you add the funny pictures into it too! Keep up the great work!
P.S. Where did you get that drawing of me labeled "marriage material"?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Hey, thanks for stopping by and for your kind words!
Hahahahahaha, I just knew it that sooner or later someone will recognize his picture "stolen" :P
So, it looks like I just made the ‘stressless’ article, I wasn’t planning on that. About half way through I was intending to say something like, “pleasure to be met! You didn’t tell me you’re quite the writer.” And flex my muscles. :rah:
Then I learned about the sequel!! “How do I look, good? What about my teeth—do I have anything in my teeth?” 👍🏿
Great article @insight-out, as I was saying (before I got to talking about myself), “pleasure to be met!”
Hahahahaha :D Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a nice comment, @dandays!
Hahahaha, You know, these questions are a never-ending sequel :D
Hi there, @insight-out! Here's my full upvote, to help you get to Minnow! 😉
Thanks a lot, @trincowski! I appreciate your support as always!
I never knew there's a difference between venting and expressing of emotions; now I know. Thanks for sharing.
Meanwhile:
And I've been building my muscles for long :(. What will I do with my six-packs and biceps? Okay I'm kidding.
Nice piece @insight-out
Thank you, @samminator! :)
It is a tricky one. However, I think that sharing emotion always includes some kind of reflection and processing. Just the opposite - venting here refers more to rumination and acting out.
Haha, definitely keep them :)
😂😂😂😂 you nailed it very well @insight-out😉 How's your toddler😉 I thought you're leaving steemit behind.
Well.. I did met those who supposed to ask for apologize but sent me a laser staring eyes😂😂😂 like my nephew did when I found him took something from my drawer.
Hey there, @cicisaja :D No, I am not leaving Steemit behind but I guess I will have less time on the platform in future. We will see how I am going to manage my time :D
My toddler is fine - growing fast, walking, grabbing anything he can reach :D And sleeping less during the day of course :D Unfortunately, his night sleep is still the same - he wakes up frequently during the night and I can't sleep very well, which leads to me being exhausted already :/
How are you doing?
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Oh, thanks a lot, guys!
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!