What is Grief?
Grief is a normal emotional response to any life event which entails loss. Loss requires an individual to face and work through emotional-trauma with the objective of finding meaning, despite the hurt. Loss can be likened to a puzzle piece being removed from the whole. The piece’s absence obscures the big-picture. Confusion ensues and a transitional period of sorting through all the other pieces (new ideas / perspectives) is required in order to fill the void. Once the piece is replaced and the gap is filled, the obscure image once again resembles something meaningful.
The Grieving Cycle
To further explain Grief and Loss we can examine Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ model on Grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Although Kubler-Ross’ model was originally developed to help terminally ill patients face their own deaths, many modern therapists, psychologists and clinicians have adopted the model to help patients and clients work through their own unique trauma
The stages of Kubler-Ross’ Grieving Cycle are not necessarily linear or ordered. Depending on the individual involved, stages can be skipped or repeated (sometimes indefinitely). The model becomes organic and unique once it is applied to a person. While some individuals find closure when reaching the stage of ‘acceptance’, others relapse and revert back to earlier stages. The therapeutic ideal is to work through the pain and distress in order to eventually move on.
M Scott Peck explains that it is important for mentally-healthy individuals to continuously grow. According to Peck, growth can be explained as a lifelong process of “loss, or giving-up of the old self”. Loss (grief) is thus a necessary proponent to healthy change and growth in any human being. To change and grow we need to continuously part with our old-selves and old, outdated beliefs and perspectives. This process can be traumatic, albeit very subtle.
The fictitious Mr P.:
Mr P. has recently started working as a teacher at a new school.
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash
New colleagues, new learners, new subjects, new rules. The novelty of the situation requires Mr P. to surrender his previously held notions of the role of a teacher to accommodate an updated (or more appropriate version) thereof. The clash between Mr P.'s internalized reality (how things are and should be) and this new paradigm (this is how things work now) causes internal conflict. He becomes angry. Angry at himself for leaving his old job, angry at his new colleagues and their expectations and angry at the learners and their ill-discipline.
Mr P.’s inappropriate aggression is turned inwards and he soon lapses into depression.
Mr P. feels powerless over his lessons, his role as a teacher and over his learners. Mr P. feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Teaching was never this stressful. It used to be enjoyable, too.
Realizing the futility of his emotions, Mr P starts bargaining with himself and others:
“Maybe I can return to my old school and they will accept me back. Things can return to how they were”.
“Maybe I can slip away when school ends and avoid my colleagues and their silly expectations”.
“Class! I am new here. I need you to calm down, behave, and listen to me! Or else!”
Mr P., being introspective, emotionally mature and realizing the need to claim responsibility over his new circumstances, moves from bargaining to seeking solutions (Acceptance):
Photo by Japheth Mast on Unsplash
“I made my choice and I’ll see it through. I’ve been through worse, this isn’t really that bad. This is an amazing school and that’s why I accepted the offer”
“I should engage with my colleagues. They’ve all been really accepting and helpful. I can even seek some guidance from the principal who’s been nothing but helpful."
Mr P continues to assert his presence and soon learners relate to their new teacher and his expectations.
This illustration provides a brief, hypothetical example of traversing the stages of grief. His process of growth, as a healthy individual, required him to ‘let-go’ (mourn) the old and find meaning in the new. According to Scott-Peck’s explanation, Mr P could have either decided to withdraw from the process of growth and settle into a continued state of despair and depression or assimilate to his new reality (his new life) which required some sacrifice for growth.
Grieving, in the sense of this article, can be used as a tool. It allows us to identify personal factors which cause stagnation, depression and despair and empower us to challenge these with firm belief in our individual capacity to grow and overcome. Our reactions to Life's challenges manifest as emotions we find in the grieving cycle. We realize they are not threats. Our discomfort should be seen, and approached as, opportunities to grow, learn and conquer.
Bibliography:
Erikson EH. The Life Cycle Completed. Norton, 1982.
Kessler, D. grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/; .
Kubler-Ross E. On Death and Dying. Collier Books Macmillan Publishing, 1969.
Peck, M. Scott. (1978;1992). The Road Less Travelled. Arrow Books
Hey@rionpistorius! I like this interpretation of loss and growth, I've never heard it explained in this way before. However from my experience, we're not in control of the direction of our destiny, and sometimes what we want for ourselves i.e the jobs, the life etc., doesn't always bode well for us. I agree, depression is the process of grief, and for the under-developed Self, the Self that needs nurturing and caring to become the actual Self, to be able to face the world again.
I'm a lecturer in safeguarding, teaching students in a London college in the UK, I see students (and lecturers, ha!ha!) in grief everyday, it can be a barrier to learning. Thank you for this post, great content.
@fiercewarrior Thank you so much for your reply. It is difficult to encapsulate all of my ideas regarding the subject in a single post. I try and make it as simple as possible- kind of like an introduction and skimming of something which has a lot more depth and intricacy than a single post can justify.
Fate or chance is a subject for another discussion! I do agree however, and some things are just not meant to be. Trying to force situations or realities into existence can cause a lot of grief. This would be an amazing topic to explore, too. Thank you for pointing this out!
Please stick around. Most of my posts revolve around similar ideas. I really appreciate your feedback and it's encouraging when people relate to my writing and ideas. I am grateful for your response and insight!
I'm definitely sticking around, please don't underestimate yourself, you did well to create quality content in terms of language and expression, that in my view, we can all relate to the issues you raised. I'm following and will look forward of the same in the not too distant future. Check out my posts, it would be great to hear your views! Peace.
Hello @rionpistorious :)
This is a well-written post. It is great to see you will be bringing quality material like this to the psychology tag! The first part of your post reminded me of my cousin, who unfortunately remains trapped in the Grieving cycle after her divorce. Going from one stage to another for the past nearly five years.
As for Mr. P, what a great way you found there to illustrate Kubler-Ross’ model. Also, his internal struggles made me think of Carl Roger's notion of incongruence which is the conflict between the organismic self and the self-concept.
It is indeed a helpful outlook to see grieving as a tool! :)
All the best,
@abigail-dantes I was looking forward to your reply! :)
It took me a long time to fully write down my ideas regarding this particular topic. Even now, I feel it is a bit limited and could be better polished. Irrespective, I love these topics and I could speak and share ideas on them for hours.
I wish I had thought of Karl Rogers' ideas on incongruence lol! Thanks for pointing that out. There is a golden thread running through most schools of Psychology and it's amazing when you're able to put all the pieces together! (Like I said, was looking forward to your reply, this suggestion is gold!).
My next post will be on another topic but tie into this one. I'll remember to throw Rogers' model in there somewhere! ;)
I am trully glad to hear you will be discussing this topic further @rionpistorius, and very excited about having your quality contribution to the psychology tag. This is a topic that intersts me very much as well. But, please, I did not mean for you to discuss Carl Rogers in the future. The only reason I mentioned was because of your thorough evaluation of Mr.P’s conflict: how he truly felt & how he thought he should feel. It is beautiful as well as relatable.
I am very humbled to hear you were looking forward to my comment.
All the best 😊🌷
This is such a great post! I recognize these phases in me when I think about some changes I made in my life.
I am happy there is so good psychological content here on Steemit :)
@katarinamiliv Thank you so much! I appreciate you reading my post and more so taking the time to give some positive feedback.
These phases can happen because of the smallest things and we tend to overlook them. When we realize these patterns in our own lives, it makes it easier to work through whatever we come across. The same coping mechanisms for seemingly small things are just as critical at helping us work through, and eventually past, bigger challenges. Sometimes a mountain might actually just be a little hill, and we've forgotten that we've already learnt how to work through it.
got my 100% per vote
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post! :)