The continuing Saga of Steemwars. Gotta Read 'em all.
In a Pickle Now!
So yeah, I'm just ploppin' a squat and lookin' through some old pictures. Anyone that knows me will know what kind of pictures they are, but everyone else can be satisfied that I'm reading financial reports regarding my numerous and revenue-positive investments in the Galactic Crypto Markets. Fine, don't believe me! I don't care!
Well, after squeezing and rinsing off, I can only think to myself that I'm just glad I arrived after the ship was cleaned. I don't know if I would've taken this gig if I was gonna be signing on to a shit ship. I would've had to charge triple just for the gross factor.
Just then, I am rocked off the toilet circle and fall to the floor, praying I can reach the flusher before another jolt like that. Whew! I am fortunate, of course, as I almost always am. Fortune follows me as I hear the suctioning sound. I hop to my feet and hammer a fist on the Comms.
I moderate my tone, but it's still a bit shrill in my own ears. "What in Argyn's Armpit was that??!!"
Fuzz. Nothing more. I repeat and get the same. Oh great, Comms are out. What good are these people if they can't keep the shitter Comms open?
I pound down the corridor and take note of flickering lights. This ship might be more of a piece of crap than the Century Pigeon! I quickly race to the main Bridge. No, there are no other bridges on this ship, but everyone I meet likes to call their Bridge the Main Bridge, as if there are dozens of little Bridges throughout the ship.
I didn't even know where we were heading for sure. I hadn't really cared one way or another. Credits are credits, after all. Whether I have to do something good or bad, lewd or appropriate, it doesn't mean much to me. I just care about the shineys.
I heard a voice from behind the next doors. "Was it the Meth Star?"
The voice sounded feminine, but after my encounter with Mah Gogobootz and his entourage last year I dared not assume too much about people. He WAS wearing full-on lipstick and eye shadow! How was I supposed to know?
Anyway, the Bridge had a full complement of crew members on it when doors slid open. Would've been more impressive if the door opened all circular like the Iris of the eye. Then again, we couldn't ALL afford those doors, could we? It's why we're on this mission... whatever it actually is.
I stepped through and found Noont and Jayna the Hutt rolling around on the floor together. I assume they're actually just trying to get to their feet, but it's a bit of a display that, at another time might've piqued my interest. Right now, though, I saw small plumes of smoke from the consoles.
I flick my collar Comm unit. "Con Froyo, you bird-brain, where are you?"
The high-pitched reply was just idiotic. "Squa!! Squa-squawk!"
"Get your feathers out of your mouth and get to the Main Bridge."
"Yes sir, sir." Con Froyo, idiot among idiots. He was a gem at engineering and battle though, so I kept him around. Besides, sometimes he actually cracks off some funny little comments.
I take a few steps into the room and curse. There's more damage than I had initially anticipated. I wave away the smoke and clear away the stench of ozone from my nostrils. Blinking lights and sparks were coming out of many of the console units. I wasn't great at analyzing a situation, but even I knew this was bad... very bad indeed.
The static on the main viewer blinked a few times and began to clear up. Ani-won was using her Steem Lite powers to move debris and clear away the image on-screen. She grunted with the exertion. She didn't seem very powerful, of course, otherwise she would be able to wield the full powers of the Steem Farce; but her powers were nominally better than mine. I could pull plugs out of outlets and make a mean cup of Cafefeah. Anything beyond that meant I was reaching for my sidearm.
I shouted over the ringing and crunching sounds. "Anything I can do? Who was it?"
Old Yella herself, stooped and bleeding at the crease of her little pointed ears, answered. "Visitor there are to come do battle. Harmful intentions they have. Your pistol this is."
"Hey, give that back!" I yanked my weapon from the little troll and did one of those dumb fake-kicks like it might actually do damage. "Stop taking my stuff!"
Another powerful blast rocked the ship. I barely kept my feet, but acted as if I had no difficulties. I looked around and caught a glimpse of an object out in space. It looked like a metal sphere just hanging in the darkness. What is that thing? and are they shooting at us?
I kept silent, though, and just listened. A metallic tinging sound echoed down the far left corridor. It probably had some stupid name, like "Cur Syoo Pay Ree Aisle" or some such, but again I just didn't care enough to learn it. The tinging stops and suddenly a great ripping of metal and the sucking sound of air leaving the ship.
I dive for a button, but I don't know what I'm doing and I end up trying to call my Mom instead. This ship is just dumb! Who has a phone on the Main Bridge with my Mother on the list of stored callers? Are they planning on telling her when I misbehave?
I glance around and, since nobody is watching, I clear that number from the system. The sucking sound halts as someone else closes off that section. Boy, this ship is way too complicated. Mine is so much nicer.
Con Froyo glides onto the Bridge and takes to repairs like a Bird takes to the Air. I mean, Con is a Bird and can't fly without a starship but the saying must be accurate at some level... right? Soon the Bird brain has the sparking and hissing down to a minimum, which gives us a clear lane to hear the clawing and clamboring of "things" through the corridors.
Ani-won looks devastated. "The Doggy has been defiled. I loved that picture."
Suddenly, as Con Froyo is mending the circuits, the Red Alert alarm goes off. The demure voice of the computer narrator echoes with sensuality. "My dear friends, we have intruders on the lower deck. Might we prepare ourselves for battle?"
Before the static replaces the Computer voice, we see dim shapes that match the echoing sounds. The shapes, hidden by the thinning smoke, seem to swish back-and-forth as they run. I almost laugh when the first of the attackers breaks out of the cloud of smoke. There, standing before me, are tiny creatures holding pink lightsabers.
Jayna, stretching upwards, calls out. "Oh my, how adorable!! I want one! Can we keep them?"
I rub my temples and sigh with as much force as I can muster. It kind of hurts, that place on my side where I must've hit the toilet circle. I cough at a spasm and my finger twitches.
"Oops." One of the creatures drops at my photon blast. There's a hole through the creature that is almost large enough to tear the entire thing in half. "I guess that's fairly effective."
Jayna calls out again. "Here Kitty-kitty!"
She's right. They DO look like cats. "On my Bounties, I don't think those are Light Sabres at all! Look at the bulbous shape and tell me that those do not look like..." I was smacked with a shoe. It was my own shoe.
Yella was cackling. I growled at the little imp and slid my shoe back on my foot.
The "Light Sabres" were vibrating as they held them upright. The humming sounds were almost completely in sync. "I still say those are just Vibrators."
At that point, I think I must have angered the little Pussies. Their fur raises into the air and a throaty hiss drowns out the hum of the Vibrator Sabres.
Of course, at this point, I'm not even scared anymore. I start to laugh and shoot away. After I almost take an ear off of Ani-won, I decide that maybe my pistol isn't going to be the best weapon. I lock it into place and pull on my spiked knuckles.
Stance-to-stance, I am probably better than any fighter in the realm. I would go into all of the gory detail of how I lopped off paws and tails and ears and tails and paws and more stuff, but I'm just not that kind of guy. I don't need to gloat when I know I'm better than everyone else.
The other crew members weren't too bad either.
When the haze of battle dissipated, we were victorious. Not tough when the enemies are such Pussy Cats. We put all the cat parts in a pile and eject the mass out into space. We're feeling pretty good at that point, some of us requesting drinks and food.
As if in response to my stomach's gurgling, the entire ship lurches and, again, throws us to the floor. Well, some of us, that is. I can't help it if I'm just that much better and more gifted than everyone else.
Con squeals as he glances up to the view screen. "We're being pulled into that thing! Is that a neutron star?"
The ship has little thrust power left in it, having been blasted and peeled like a Gawp-Fruit in the Rainy Season. Time seems to slow as we grow closer to the collapsing mini Star. Shafts of light coalesce all around the ship and we feel the popping as we cross the threshold of the Grav Shields.
Suddenly we are swallowed up by a long, green starship with ridged sides. These things probably owned the cat warriors. They will be pissed off that we killed their pets. I sigh. I hated telling people that their pet was dead. But here we were, pulled into an enormous docking bay of a ship that was about 15 times larger than our own ship.
I take a deep breath and wince. "Does something smell funny to anyone? I smell something sharp, like vinegar."
"I do too," says Noont. "I'm getting hungry suddenly."
Not me.
As we touch down and leave our ship, we see groups of scooters coming towards us. They look like bulb-covered salt-and-pepper shakers, and at the top of each rode a wrinkly, green, ridged blob with a helmet. The helmet contained a viscous liquid that bubbled now and again.
These aliens are gross-looking and I would never put them on my Burgers. I wouldn't feed them to my dog. Then again, there was Noont and he was licking his lips in hunger. He might eat them raw.
The lead alien waved a skinny arm in our direction. "Welcome."
Darth Speed interrupted the welcoming committee. "Where are we?"
"In our Pod."
Speed was fast. He had his hand out and choking the juice from this creature in a flash.
I knocked down his hand. "Woah now. They don't sound like our enemies."
Speed kills, but only when you're in his way. I was close to being in his way. "What makes you the expert?"
"Nothing. I just think they would have let us die if they were enemies."
"What about the cats?"
I pursed my lips. "Someone else?"
The leader of this group dripped from behind his cracked helmet. It now exuded a deeper and more horrifying stench of rot. "The Pusz-Zee? Here? They are supposed to be on the other side of the quadrant. This is most distressing."
"Who are they?" I ask.
"That is an answer best left to our King and Queen. Let me take you to them."
"And what are you?" Tact wasn't my strongest suit.
"We are the Dill-Licks. We come from within The Jar Nebula. We seek knowledge from the Sand Witch. Do you know this person?"
I shook my head. "No, never heard of her." There I go again, assuming gender.
I sighed and took my place in our short line, following the Dill-Lick scooter patrol. They were slow. They were so slow that I think Yella and Ani-won began Farcing them forward. Whenever I glanced back, though, they would be walking innocently, whistling some tune I've never heard behind her.
We are led to a large chamber lined with shriveled green bits on shelves. At the far end are a pair of green figures impaled by wooden spears. I am suddenly grossed out.
Noont's stomach growls incessantly now. I hear him smacking it and telling it to be quiet.
"I am honored to present you to His and Her Majesty. Dill-Dah and Dill-Doe of the Dill-Lick empire! May all your Bases are belong to us."
(Modified from this Dahlek picture & this Pickle picture)
The ending response was echoed by the impaled pair. Green juice dripped down the instruments of torture, but they acted as if it were completely normal to have some big splinter shoved through your body and out through the top of your head.
I promptly barfed on the clean floors. I wiped my chin and just turned away to look in any other direction. I'll just let everyone else stare at them. I'll take my cue from what they decide.
Thank you and I hope you had a laugh at my @OriginalWorks!
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Speed kills, but only when you're in his way
Oh hell I am going to have an asthma attack from laughing so hard.
I’m glad I could put a little danger in your life Jon. Have a pull off the old puffer and get back in there.
Oh dear heavenly vader XD
I love how ridiculous this is.
I tried to go for muted outlandishness. I think I succeeded.
Hi @dbzfan4awhile,
Your post was submitted to the #comedyopenmic #curation-league by @diebitch. Out of all posts submitted today, it was decided that yours is funniest and we have given you a 100% upvote. Keep the laughs going!
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
That's Excellent! Thank you @diebitch for submitting my work.
Like what is this , damn
Hopefully that's a good "damn" lol.
I have no other comment but...
I had fun writing it too.