Diary of a Space Mercenary: Chapter 6

Diary of a Space Mercenary: Chapter #6
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Captain's Log 3106:

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I decided to visit planet Lonn XV because my scanner picked up some resources I needed (not to mention my hyperdrive is out of fuel).
I get distracted quite easily, and before long I found an alien hippo friend. I decide to call it Lawrence.

Lawrence didn't seem to be a threat, so I surfed on its head for a while. All was well and everyone was having a wonderful time. Lawrence didn't mind and I was enjoying the first bit of serotonin I'd had in weeks.

Suddenly this fucking unicorn wolf thing just comes out of nowhere, charges us, and gores poor Lawrence to death with its horn! I look on in horror as he begins to eat my new alien hippo friend.

I pause for a moment to grieve for Lawrence, and curse the fact that I can no longer hippo surf.

I briefly try to surf on Lawrence while he's dead, but it's just not as much fun anymore. I vow revenge on the Unicorn Asswolf.

I set off running after the Unicorn Asswolf, but he quickly disappears among a herd of other animals.

I searched all night for that Unicorn Asswolf, through the pouring rain.

Finally -- just around daybreak -- I spotted the bastard rooting around in some bushes. Now was my chance to avenge Lawrence.

The Unicorn Asswolf was distracted -- stalking other prey. I took a deep breath and steadied my laser rifle as I clicked the safety off and turned up the laser's intensity as high as it would go.

I'm startled as the Unicorn Asswolf notices my presence and charges. I manage to get off one good shot, injuring the creature before narrowly dodging its horn. It's a close call -- this thing is dangerous.

I take a step back and take another shot at the Asswolf. This time I nail him right in the face, but the damn thing is still coming at me.

I turn and run, wishing I had brought more powerful weaponry. I left my explosives and my shotgun back on the ship. This thing really wants to eat me. Fuckin' eh, right? Coulda, woulda, shoulda... This thing is an asshole.

I engage my jetpack -- it's power is limited but it gives me a bit of distance on the creature. I hope this will give me a moment to make a clean shot and kill the Unicorn Asswolf once and for all.

The moment I land, I aim my laser rifle and light him up again, this time hitting him squarely in the face. The animal recoils, and I realize I've done some real damage this time.

With one more shot, I realize that I've blown off the creature's horn. It doesn't know how to react.

With the loss of its horn, the Asswolf has become a much less dangerous adversary. I charge him, and punch him in the face. Emboldened, I attempt to grab the creature by the neck.

I use the butt of my rifle to savagely beat the living shit out of this vile creature until my arm gets tired and I grow bored.

Eventually, I decide to have mercy. Instead of killing the Asswolf, I glue his horn back on and challenge him to a breakdancing contest.

Asswolf wins the breakdancing contest with ease, because I suck and I've never breakdanced before. I briefly wonder why I would choose a breakdancing contest of all things.

"Wait a minute," I think to myself. "I'm a badass space mercenary. What the fuck am I doing?"

I decide to just blast the hell out of the creature while it's not paying attention. Fuck him, right?

I confirm that the Asswolf is indeed dead, and then I properly teabag my kill just for funsies.

Lawrence is avenged and the Asswolf is dead! Victory!

I never did find any of the precious metals I originally came to this planet to collect. I wasted some fuel, I wasted some time. I made a friend but he's dead. I made an enemy who is also dead. I go back to my ship somewhat disappointed, thinking "Hey, it wasn't a total loss. The hippo surfing was alright, anyway."

That was planet Lonn XV in the Kanchou System. As my spacecraft takes off into the orange sky, I think about my impression of the planet I just visited.

Lonn XV in the Kanchou System:
2/10, would not bang.
Fuckin' Unicorn Asswolf ruining all the hippo-surfing fun. What a dick.

I'm off into space. I'll look elsewhere for hyperdrive fuel.

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