Hey you,
I have a million questions I want answered. How are you? I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're happy and your life is full. Is your family okay? How's work treating you? I saw your sister the other day. We hung out a bit, exchanged conversations about life and work, but surprisingly, never about you. As much as I wanted to ask about you, I didn't. I was afraid that it would reach you, and that if you knew I was asking about you, you would think that I still cared. That I was, or rather am still affected. It's been 4 years, but you still cross my mind sometimes. It's funny how simple things I never cared about matter so much now, after you entered my life. Like the song that was playing the first time we met. I remember that like it was just yesterday. Mainly because I kept it in my playlist ever since. Like the beverage you always ordered from me at the coffee shop that I'm working at. Or even the dress that I used on our first date. Reading this, maybe you would ask "Why do you keep those memories of us if it hurts you? Are you that stupid?". Well, maybe I am. Maybe this is my way of punishing myself for not appreciating you even though I knew that nobody can even compare to you. Maybe I just wanted to convince myself that you will come back. That I just have to wait for you. Or maybe, this is me just being a martyr. Because deep down, I know that I deserve this. This pain. This hurt. This broken heart.
Do you still remember that moment? The moment I left you? It's quite funny really, I left you in that park and it was raining. I left you there, alone and thinking of what you did. You didn't even have an umbrella of your own, but still- I was gone. Without any explanation and without hesitations, I left. Looking back, did you ever wonder why I did what I did? Did you thought I cheated? Did you think that I didn't want you anymore? After that day, you kept blowing up my phone. You called my mom, my sister, even my roommate. But I didn't want to have anything to do with you. I didn't go to work, because I know you would try to talk to me there. I didn't go home, because I know you would wait for me until I went home. I deactivated everything. I shut off the world. Soon after, weeks, months, and years passed by. You gave up. And that was what I wanted. That was what I thought I wanted. Then I quit my job and I moved away.
I lied you know. It's been 4 years, and you still cross my mind all the time. I kept the memories of you because I knew that these were all that I was going to get. Just a mere memory of you, us and our happy times. I never did really want to leave you in that pouring rain. I never cheated, if that's what you were thinking. I was loyal to a fault, even at the final moment. My heart has always been yours. But maybe it wasn't just meant to be. Do you remember that day? The day I left you? I got a call from Dr. Max. Days before that, I had killer headaches, I was vomiting and I kept forgetting stuff. The call from Dr. Max was him telling me that I had Brain Cancer. Can you imagine that? I kept thinking that there were cameras in that office, and they were just trolling me. I freaking waited. But I guess my life is not a reality show. It was real, and it was right in my face. And from there, it just went downhill. I knew that I wasn't deserving of you. That you deserved a person that wasn't going to die on you just like that. So I left.
If you reached this part, please do me a favor? Don't cry, or don't feel bad for me. You always knew that I don't like people pitying on me. I accepted my fate, and I just couldn't let you sink down with me. Don't even regret giving up on me, knowing the real reason why I did what I did. Just think of it as, me getting tired of you. That way, you wouldn't have a hard time blaming yourself for what happened to me. You didn't give me brain cancer. You can't cure it as well. No one can. I wrote this letter as a way of saying thank you for what we had. Because what we had was pure magic. No one ever really caught my heart, after you. And maybe because I didn't bother dating again because I was dying (just kidding). Kidding aside, do know that I love you unconditionally and I just wish you happiness. You deserve the world, even if I was not the one who gave it to you. You will always, always have my heart even in the afterlife.
Loving you (with what's left of me),
Bella
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