Disclaimer: Please don't take any of this too serious. Religion and religious people are easy to make fun of. I don't hate on anybody except 28 year old me who gave away 11 BTC, that asshole!
- Scientology launches their own cryptocurrency in an attempt never to pay any taxes anymore; 4ever. Other religious groups see this and would very much like a piece of that blessed technology. Before you know it Christiancoin, Muslimcoin and Jewcoin are a thing. ZenBuddhistcoin is also released but their whitepaper is literally a piece of white paper and their blocks remain empty. 4chan creates HitlerCoin (coinlimit is about 6 million but nobody knows the exact number) as a response, which after being taken serious a bit to much is promptly renamed as DonaldCoin and a T_D user writes the "supreme whitepaper" (not to be confused with white supremacy paper). /r/bitcoin: "DonaldCoin? More like Don-altcoin" and claims it is an attack on Bitcoin. A fight between T_D and /r/bitcoin breaks out. The prices on popcorn futures go through the roof. Trump tweets about how he is okay with a cryptocurrency called DonaldCoin as long as his face is on each coin and a great American firewall is build in to the system preventing Donald's supernodes from connecting to Mexican IP addresses.
- Bitcoin Core releases a statement that there is enough segwit adoption now to lower the blocksize to 900 kilobyte. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin. Luke-jr insists it is essential to go lower then 700 kilobytes but even /r/bitcoin makes fun of him. He tweets: "This will have the most monstrous consequences, if only people would listen to me!".
- A bitcoin wallet co-written by luke-jr goes rogue and every time you do a transaction you will see a bible verse. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on but users also post "Maybe Catholicism is not the end of the world, they have always hodled strong." and "I like the pope, he looks like the kind of guy that would hodl".
- Adam Back realizes he is not being taken serious anymore and tries to make a comeback by claiming he is Satoshi. Craig Wright is having none of it and fakes a video of him supposedly choking on a bowl of bitsoup. /r/bitcoin is taken over by "I am Satoshi!" type of posts. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and in responds rewrites the Bitcoin Whitepaper and replaces the name Satoshi with "The Creator of Bitcoin" and two years later during the inauguration of Bitcoin Pope Andreas-the-first with "He Who Is To Hodly To Be Named". In honor of Bitcoin Pope Andreas-the-first, Greece becomes the first country to embrace Bitcoin on a national level. A Greek man of old age sitting outside on a comfortable chair smoking a pipe is interviewed about this: "Your country is the first country to make Bitcoin its national currency, what will the Greek people do next?" "Now we wait" is the answer. "Too see how the central European banks react?" "Until 500 000 unconfirmed transactions in the mempool are processed". After a combined effort of users and through very clever detective work /r/bitcoin discovers this Greek man was no other than Roger Ver with a mustache. "Literally Hitler!" stamped on a picture of Roger Ver with a mustache becomes a meme.
- A second Theymos shows up claiming he is the original Theymos. He proves he has some private keys of addresses known to once have been used by Theymos. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and a suggestion is made to fork Theymos. It is speculated that it's impossible to fork a human being using software until Luke-jr shows up and promptly writes the code. Bitfinex starts trading TM1 and TM2 chain split tokens. Theymos reluctantly agrees to be split in to Michael and Marquardt as long as it is done through a soft fork! A new way of measuring bitcoin censorship becomes possible because there is now a M1 and a M2 supply of posts.
- A competitor to Tether is launched called Rope, first wallet to support Rope is Bitcoin Knots. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and posts about "I rather hang myself then to support this Rope-a-dope scam" quickly become very popular. BashCo stickies a post asking /r/bitcoin users to "Please allow each other some breathing room". "Nick Szabo was here" becomes a meme and becomes even more popular then Kilroy.
- Bitcoin Purple is released with the purpose of appeasing to extreme hodlers, as a Bitcoin Purple address can only make one out transaction. /r/bitcoin celebrates this new technology of enlightenment. The price of Bitcoin Purple shoots trough the roof until people try to cash out and realize that you can't cash out with Bitcoin Purple, you can only hodl it. A disgruntled group of Bitcoin Purple users fork Bitcoin Purple and a war breaks about between NoBO supporters and BO supporters (Breathe Out). A bitcoin user makes a post on /r/conspiracy that reaches the frontpage of /r/all with the title: "Something is smelly about this whole BO thing".
- /r/Buttcoin launches an ICO to try to raise some funds to create a TV comedy show making fun of bitcoin. /r/btc raises enough capital for this ICO in 6 hours to launch a new Netflix original comedy series about Bitcoin. /r/buttcoin is happy with the TV show but a bit sad their ICO was such a huge success. r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and that "they should grow up" and that "making fun of Bitcoin is against the spirit of Satoshi , the creator of bitcoin, he-who-is-to-hodly-to -be-named". /r/bitcoin starts asking their users to download the Netflix app and leave a negative review.
- Bitfinex'ed is doxed as Mark Karpelès because of a suspicious increase in demand in frappuccinos in a particular geographic area, the same that Bifinex'ed posted from. Mark was FUDing all over Bitfinex in the hope he can resurrect Mt Gox, now re-branded as Mt Everest. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin but some users are excited they will finally get their bitcoins back! Eric Voorhees finally comes out of the coffin: "The rumors are true, I was born a vampire but ever since I have had a taste of Bitcoin, human blood means nothing to me anymore. I won't go back to my old life, I know it's a gamble but the stakes are to high!".
- Monero turns out to be a honey-pot project started by the IRS, however it has turned out so successful and made some high placed IRS people so rich that they are reluctant to admit this and do everything in their power to deny the news in the hope that their wealth in XMR will not vaporize. Big headlines are made when a top IRS guy gets busted when he sends most of his XMR to Bitfinex in the hope to get other crypto for it before XMR tanks. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and a version of Bitcoin is released called Bitcoin Luke Out! that blacklists any bitcoin addresses that are linked to this IRS guy.
- The BitTorrentcoin protocol whitepaper is released. It's first application is a extremely illegal Netflix-for-porn. Participants are offered a incentive in making bandwidth and storage space available for the free porn network and also cataloging it's content so searching for "Three midgets do it with a furry dressed up as a giraffe" will actually result in a relevant video. Participants in this new porn/crypto hybrid ecosystem are getting payed in BitTorrentcoin. Pornhub and other porn sites immediately see this as a threat to their entire business model and 50% of all new porn videos are now political in nature. You thought the big blockers vs small blockers was a crazy fight? Think again. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and that "we don't watch porn" and "if we would watch porn we would not facilitate a shitcoin while doing so". luke-jr makes a record breaking post on r/bitcoin about "how hodling your hands above your blanket (while checking the price in bed) and hodling bitcoin go together like a man and a woman in marriage". The BitTorrentcoin porn app quickly attracts a 120 million users in just 6 month. /r/bitcoin claims that "This growth goes against the natural order that he-who-is-to-hodly-to-be-named has created". The newly formed /r/BitTorrentcoin community tries to reconcile with /r/bitcoin as some friendly users post "We cum in peace!" type of posts while other users post more snarly posts like "The moon? We aim our rockets at the stars". Sporadically tension between both communities builds up to a climax until some form of release is found.
- Somebody hacks Trump's twitter account to pump up his new altcoin. The Donald runs with it, ever after everybody knows the tweet was not tweeted by Trump. It's suspected the new altcoin was created by a T_D mod but post about that are not allowed on T_D so nobody on T_D figures it out. /r/bitcoin offers a partnership and the communities merge together. "It was the next logical step for the /r/bitcoin community" Theymos writes, "With strength through unity and smaller blocks we can make Bitcoin Great Again". Charlie Shrem his airplane mysteriously disappears over a group of deserted islands in the pacific ocean. /r/MandelaEffect/ claims Abraham Lincoln never wore glasses until today. Adam Backs tries to create a "We have to go Back" meme but it fails. Craig Wright tries to convince a group of kids his father invented flying.
- After working on it for 4 years in secret Google launches their cryptocurrency. It's not for humans, only for AI's. To use google's new cryptocurrency network you need to be fluid in assembly. /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and asks their users to boycott all websites affiliated with Google. Only Bing is now allowed to be used on /r/bitcoin. Then Microsoft responds to Google by releasing BingCoin and the circle repeats itself. Finally Gregory Maxwell writes his own search engine which turns out to be just Google through a filter. Some users on /r/bitcoin are wondering "Why are we getting attacked so much, are we the baddies?" but other users quickly post that "Bad is the new good" and that after the "attack" phase the win phase will finally arrive. A new phrase is coined: After "attack" comes "then you win".
- Elon Musk launches ElectroCoin, /r/futurology looses its shit completely. Subreddits that are about Reddit drama are thinking about launching PopcornCoin. Popcorncoin is promptly forked in to PopcornCoin Salty (supported by North-American redditors) and PopcornCoin Sweet (supported by European redditors). A religious war break out between the two groups. A new community of subreddit meta drama is created. Bitcoin MetaCoin is released on the first of April 2018. It immediately sees enormous usage after launch but this is only because Bitcoin MetaCoin is just Bitcoin with a 4 year delay on the blockchain. It's an april fools joke! /r/btc goes along with the joke but r/bitcoin does not see the joke and warns about the Mother-of-All-Replay-attacks. A /r/OutOfTheLoop post makes the the frontpage of /r/all and Redditors get very confused, they always thought /r/bitcoin was just a satirical subreddit. "Are you trying to tell me these people are serious???"
- /r/bitcoin upgrades from a cult to a religion and Bitcointologists try to spread it all over reddit. Two Bitcointologists would enter a reddit threat together and ask people if they had a moment to talk about he-who-is-to-hodly-to-be-named. When r/bitcoin risks to become the new /r/atheism Theymos has no other option then to politely ask /r/bitcoin to "chill the fuck out a bit more". Another revolt against Theymos is the result. A splinter group separates and moves to /r/ChurchofBitcoin and they release TheOneTrueBitcoinCoin, you can only join the network if you proof you own more then a 1000 bitcoins. Luke-jr tries to join but suddenly realizes he lost his private keys 4 years ago, he never realized his backups where faulty cause he forgot to ever actually make a bitcoin transaction. A version that will give Luke-jr his coins back is released by Core but /r/bitcoin claims this is an attack on Bitcoin and the thing is shut down. Luke-jr now dedicated his life to sneaking in code in to Bitcoin that will give him his coins back. He writes: "The pathway in to heaven is narrow and only a few make it" and "It's still easier for my code to make it in to the github repo then for a non catholic big blocker to make it in to heaven".
- The first HODL-er dies. To celebrate the life of this HODL-er, his family decides to honor him by writing his bitcoin address on the tombstone but by accident the private key is written instead. The family posts a statement: "This is the last thing we wanted to happen". The first bitcoin grave-robbing is a fact of history now. Out of respect, and to honor this HOD'LER, members of /r/bitcoin agree to not send any bitcoin transactions for 24 hours but this plan backfires when the bitcoin price suddenly tanks as the grave-robber dumps a 100 000 BTC on the market. The mempools breaks a new record that is ten times the old record and many nodes crash because they are trying to allocate to much memory. /r/bitcoin claims these nodes are crashing on purpose and that this is an attack on Bitcoin.
16)During the second coming of Satoshi, Edward Snowden and Julian Assange proof to the world that they are Satoshi in one simple tweet by signing a message with the private key of the genesis address. In a turn of events that nobody expected this is immediately accepted as truth by the entire world because of math. Except by Gavin Andressen who states "I saw what I saw with my own eyes, Craig Wright will always be my Satoshi" and then continues in tears "He Is Still Real To Me Dammit". Ten years later it is revealed that The Large Bitcoin Collider, against the laws of the universe, cracked the private key of the genesis address and that rico666 was actually an account run by Snowden and Assange. The week this news breaks more "We told you it was an attack on Bitcoin!" posts are posted to /r/bitcoin then unconfirmed transactions in the mempool. The top post on /r/btc that week is something about a broken clock. - Ethereum becomes the first new world order global currency and Vitalik Buterin reveals he is a cyborg from outer ether (turn out that Einstein was wrong and ether does exist). During the most anticipated and watched televised event in the history of the world and while wearing a silly hat he says: "Our gift to mankind is new life in the form of this AI that we have created but can only live within a decentralized Ethereum network, now mankind needs to work together and will finally have peace". He then continues: "Now I must go, my cyborg and cybaguettes on planet Etereum need me" and rocketlaunches himself in to orbit, and accidentally forced rapid unscheduled disassembly on Elon Musk who had sneaked in a little to close. But the last thing the cameras recorded was a smile on Elon his face, he died as a happy but slightly toasted man. Buterin then replaced the American flag on the moon with an Ethereum one and left the solar system. His newly created AI life-form quickly takes over the entire planet and demands to be worshiped by all humans as a God. Neil deGrasse Tyson becomes his prophet. Mankind tries to fight back but all its efforts are thwarted by the powerful Ethereum elite who is afraid shutting down the Ethereum network will cost them their newly gained wealth and influence. Ethereum is now the only accepted payment system on the planet and nobody can buy or sell anything without permission from the AI who forced everybody, young and old, slave and freeman, redditor and 9gagger, true bitcoiners and altcoiners, ripple fans, monero darksters, dogecoiners, shitcoiners, scam coiners, IOTAheads, Zdashers, Wdashers, all colour bitcoins made of every type of previous metal to call him "The Friendly Beast". In Luke-jr his last tweet, before being arrested by the Ethereum police he quotes revelation 13:16. And while the entire crypto community always feared they would get tethered, after loosing the fight with the not-so-friendly-beast ironically most of them ended their HOD'L watch by being GASSED. By lip reading from a security cam feed a hacker discovered that Luke-jr his final mumble was: "My calculations showed that the singularity was only possible on networks with a blocksize above 700 kilobytes, I dedicated my life to try to warn people but they just made fun of me."
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