Have you ever had this feeling like you did something, something wrong and you can't just admit it because you, yourself cannot explain what you've done wrong in the first place.
Disclaimer: What I am about to tell you is ME out side Myself—meaning, it didn't happen in real life but it felt like.
I've heard a lot of talks and debates of whether it is okay to be friendly even if you are committed.
And when I say friendly, what I meant are the following;
- being friends with someone your partner cannot tolerate or greatly opposed to.
- sending harmless messages with intention of not showing or afraid of being caught by significant others
- meeting him/ her by 'accident' with or without other people with,again no intention to mention his /her name when you talk about your day to your partner.
I used the word friendly because really I am not sure how should it be called. Based on my experience I would like to believe that I was just being friendly, But a close friend of mine would connote that the term "Emotional Cheating" is more suitable. But for now I wouldn't call it like that for it is too blunt and judgmental.
So going back, I come up with that question because as I've said earlier I've done something I am not proud of.
I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend Zach. I could say and even people around us would say that he is an ideal, the big catch. He is kind, faithful, loving, courteous and ambitious—yes, ambitious.
Him being ambitious, is one of the reason why I admire him the most. But what comes with being one is that he can only spare a few time for me. So I just have to be contented with whatever little attention and time he showers me.
It was during this phase that out-of-nowhere an old friend of mine named Q sent me a harmless message.
It was just a simple, "Kumusta ka na?" [how are you?]
It's been such a long time since I heard from him. Out of boredom and curiosity I replied back. We exchanged messages and got hooked while reminiscing the past.
But here's the catch, though it was just a friendly message I can't make myself tell Zach that I was having a conversation with Q—To think that I am used to tell everything, EVERYTHING to him. I rationalized that there's no point telling Zach, for it might just cause a pointless misunderstanding by merely nothing.
Days passed and still I continued on exchanging messages with Q. I'm getting used to his messages that there were times that I'm looking forward for it more than Zach's messages. I would even feel a little annoyed if I haven't received any message from Q.
And as days goes by it progresses to the point I’ll contact all of our common friends for reunions, dinner or even just to hang-out. It became my gateway so that Q and I can talk in person. [ I know. I know whats on your mind] But still during this time I still believe that I am just being friendly and so is Q. And whenever Zach woud ask me how my day went, I'll tell him almost everything about my day but never will I mention Q.
This continued for sometime, before I finally realized that it is for greater good to stop.
For the record, we've never had an overly intimate conversation (and maybe one of the reason I didn't feel so bad is because our conversation was more of relationship and life advices)
And yes I stopped. You know why? There's this time when I really saw Zach in slo-mo trying to reach out, but he can’t and I cannot reach for him too and this is all because of the invisible walls building up between us.
I can see my Zach like the first time, the person who truly matters to me. And how stupid of me to be clouded with little attention and became unfair to the person who really had my back.
With this in my mind, I know it’s me who should break the walls. I need to stop and open up to Zach. I should stop being the person I promise him I wouldn't be, I'll never forgive myself if I lose the person I love because I'm busy being friendly with someone else. I am not going to choose novelty over loyalty.
So maybe, there’s still no words you call that phase in my life, Maybe that is just chivalry that was put malice on, or Maybe I really cheated—a self-centered muggle. But whatever it is keep yourself at bay. Know what really matters.
And let's all make a stand.
If there's one thing I can be sure of is that if you can't be honest with your partner, if your guilt is eating you up, and if you start seeing walls— you need to retract.
For sometimes the so called "friendly" and "harmless," may not be really friendly and could be harmful for whatever good you have now.
“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” ― Haruki Murakami
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Nope never do it. They all start from "harmless" messages...
I agree on this. It all startswith that—Harmless and Unintentional.
A very introspective and thoughtful post. It brought up memories of past relationships, and where they have failed. I think you came to the best conclusion. Thank you.
No, thank you! Its always best to move forward and carry on! 🤟🏾
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Gracias.
Nice piece.
My view on the relationship is kind of controversial. For one I don't believe that you can own anybody and for me, that's one of the things relationships do--you become responsible to someone. Though I'm saying it's a bad thing but for many people, it doesn't come naturally.
Judging from your post, you were not actually doing anything wrong. You felt that way because you enjoyed the time you spent talking to the said person. But in the end its best we follow our conscience and in your case, your heart was disturbed so you had to let go.
Thank you @nonz! for sharing a piece of your mind. Appreciated.
This happened to me too and then I stopped. Despite the betrayal he did, I always remind myself that a mistake cannot be corrected by another mistake. I call it love 💕
Amen to this.
Muggle? I think you are a witch! or bewitched, bothered and bewildered? Lol! I just want to throw that in.
Sigh.
When you are committed, stop letting yourself be another fish in the ocean that someone will catch. I think being open with each other's feelings will resolve conflicts and seal the doubts that we have in our hearts. I understand and I get where you are coming from. I myself would have done the same thing. We are humans. We break down. We need attention. We need love. I say need because it indeed a need. I admire your selflessness and that is what true relationship is all about. Understand that there is no equivocal love. We only love more than the way others love. We should not give and then ask it to be reciprocated the way we wanted it to because that will just destroy us. Be more understanding of what our partner can do and can give. Sacrifice, compromise - it is not all about convenience.
This is a very honest post. It makes one think and check oneself. How far can we go to be selfless?
Oh dear, why are you so good at words.
You can tell whats in my mind in way better than I can.
Your post is relatable and hits home.
True. I knew it was a harmless message and I also knew that once that message was sent there will be more messages after. And yes, there were more and more and more....