“Derrickkkkkk!” I moaned loudly at the top of my voice as Austin’s wasted cum filled me up. The overweighing power of guilt drenched me. I felt my eyes twitched, I could only resist for few seconds before the tears streamed down. The anger and guilt penetrated itself ruthlessly into my languid soul.

“It shouldn’t have ended with sex!” I screamed angrily at 23 years old Austin, throwing pillows, before I angrily pulled away the blanket that clung loosely around his tiny waist.

Austin dashed after the blanket nervously, each quick step announcing his embarrassment. He picked the blanket up and wrapped it around his waist, and then he had the courage to look up at me again.

He wasn’t like Derrick, My 53 years old Derrick, my Husband! Who moved freely about completely naked! Maybe that’s the way for old men, I thought, immediately swallowing hard at the raw comparison of Derrick and the adjective “Old”. It was a weeping truth.

Finally, my malady, anger and guilt were over.

“Your warm water is ready” Austin said, his sweet tender masculine voice contrasting with old derrick’s voice that played in my head. I resisted a dying urge for Austin’s young touch.
I rushed into Austin's tiny bathroom. It was nothing compared to my bathroom at Derrick’s villa.

“Austin!” I screamed angrily, throwing my head backwards. I felt the water moved in slow lines down my scalp, washing away my confusion, my pain, my errors and guilt.

“Austin!” I screamed again, urging him to do what he was supposed to do. He heard me this time around and few seconds after I screamed, Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” played up.

That was it, my music and my tears.

In the bath, soaked with tears and water,

I thought about Derrick. He was 51 when I met him at the mall on the 14th of march 1996. He looked even better than the young guys in the mall that day. He was alone, I waited maybe his wife or kid would approach him but none. Then I did. There was something interesting about him, something magical about him.

“You are here alone?” I said.
“Then you must have come to keep my company” He said, bowing a little as a sign of respect before chuckling. My heart skipped beats at his chuckle. I BEGAN TO FALL IN LOVE.

We left the mall and at my suggestion, we had lunch. He was the most interesting creature I had ever met on earth. We bid each other goodbye forgetting to exchange contacts.

I could hardly get my mind off him, his stare, his chuckle, his light touch on my shoulder, and his beautiful strands of white hair. Those were the memories of him that I carried along with me for six months. I looked for him. I went back to the mall, the coffee shop, the eatery a million times.

I missed him; I loved him more and more as the seconds of each day passed by.

I was close to giving up oneday when he suddenly showed up at my doorstep.

“You!” I stuttered, tears flushed down my cheeks immediately. I was truly and crazily in love with him.

“I travelled to Africa. I got back and I wanted to see you. Is it okay?” He said and I saw that he was shy.

I responded with a kiss. We ended in the bedroom and I had my first sex with him. He took me beyond the stars, beneath the sea.

“Let’s get married. . .” I proposed.

Now, to think that my love for Derrick was nothing but an illusion.

My happiness grew wings the day I entered his house as his wife. How different marriage is from a relationship.

“My marriage is vain.
My marriage is a den for worms and snakes
My marriage is a hideout for darkness and pain
My marriage has become an ocean of tears”

I sang horribly, offending whitney houston’s lyrics that still played.

Two hours later, I got out of the bathroom. I dressed up quietly. The silence was cold before Austin broke it.

“You would be 25 years in a week time” He said. I pretended not to hear.

“You called his name” Austin pestered again.
“What?”

“You moaned your man’s name. You always do. You still love him” Austin said.

“I want a love that makes me happy! I want a love where I feel safe, comfortable and peaceful!” I screamed at him and reached angrily for my bag. I brought out bulk of dollar notes and threw it on Austin!

“I paid you off. We are not going to see again” I said and dashed out of his room.

“Does my love make you happy!” I heard Austin screamed after me.

“Stupid kid” I cursed despite the fact that a part of me felt I would happier if married to Austin.
When I got to the house, Derrick was around. It was quite unusual. I felt the immediate urge to weep out of pity, fear, confusion and pain as I always did each time I see him.

“Where are you coming from?” He asked, it was the first time he ever asked such a question from me.

“Clementina!” He suppressed a scream.

“Margaret’s house”

“I called Margaret. You weren’t there!” His eyeballs began to form into that of an angry looking monster. I dreaded it. I had never seen such before.

“You went sleeping around with those little boys again!” Derrick said, his voice shook.

Little did we know that our love had come to an end. I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed back in pain that had been buried for as long as my marriage was with him.

“This marriage is a prison! This marriage is a hell! I am suffocating here!”

“And you have killed me with your silence, your sexual revenge, I see your eyes. I see that they do not love me anymore. I have lived painfully with this realization!” Derrick cried.

“And you do not see my own pain? You do not see my unhappiness. This marriage isn’t working”

“All because of you” Derrick screamed.

“And am I happy with the way things are?? I am tortured and broken!” I screamed.

Derrick ran inside, colliding against walls, he came back with a paper.

“That’s the divorce paper, sign this!” He said, tears streamed down his cheeks.

I wondered how long he had had the divorce papers with him.

“We can never be happy together” I said and turned my back.

I knew Derrick so well, he had never raised his voice on me. I knew his mind was made up...

Even as he rushed in and packed few of his things, I did not turn or move. I only let the tears dripped. Even when I heard the car kicked, I did not turn back or move, I only let the tears drip. Even when I heard the gate open, I did not turn back or move. I did not shout his name, I did nothing until I could no longer hear the sound of his car, the car that once belonged to us.

“Derrick” I moaned softly.

“Don’t go” I pleaded but I knew I wanted him to leave, to breathe, to get all of the happiness I couldn’t give him. To get the happiness I couldn’t get from him. How would he start his life now at 51?

My tears wasn’t violent, I did not hit the floor or close my eyes tightly . A phone call came in, it was Austin.

“What is it? Kid!” I screamed.

“My girlfriend is in town. She would be staying for a long time” Austin said.

“You never said you had a girlfriend. . . “ I wasn’t done with my statement. Austin hung up.

No one is a villain here, we are all victims. As I sat on the floor with pale eyes harbouring a cold stare, I knew one thing, that I would never sign the paper but there was no going back.

Regret, confusion and a burnt love are the only feelings left with me. A lost self, a confused identity but amongst all this, just one thing was sure: THAT I AM CLEMENTINA.

Images source: Pixabay

CLEMENTINA

My Pen Bleeds!