Africa and Tusker Lager. Very authentic.
So there I was. Resting my aching feet after a full day of slogging around Animal Kingdom at Disneyworld. Leaning my butt against a lumpy rock that may or may not have been natural. (Pro-tip: pretty much everything is artificial at Disneyworld. It’s part of the...um...magic).
Anyway, as I felt the rock digging into my anus with all the delicacy of Captain Hook giving his first rectal exam, I was simultaneously dying of thirst.
My wallet squeaked in fear. It had already coughed up its monetary guts for my lunch. Not that I ate guts for lunch, mind you; I traded that pile of guts for a pretty decent roast beef and slaw and potato hash salad bowl thing at the...canteen. The Satu'li Canteen. Which I’m pretty sure is Pandora-language for ‘I don’t know what the hell I’m eating but I’m sure it’s expensive.’
So, I ate it. All of it, since every abandoned drop of sauce or forgotten fragment of potato is like leaving a dollar behind. Although I had ponied up for the spendy meal, I couldn’t bring myself to buy a spendy beverage to keep it company. As I licked a hole through the bowl, my tongue now chafed like my sweaty crotch had been doing all day. My water bottle was already empty, since my wife drinks water like...a water buffalo.
I really wanted a beer.
But I was a man, and could curb my urges. Hell, I've been married for a while now, and have been forced to curb my urges for years.
Shaded by fake Pandora alien plants and leaning against this lumpy rock now, as it got ever closer to invading parts of me that even my doctor has never seen, we watched the passers-by and I tried to distract myself from my dry-as-a-Sarlacc tongue.
People-watching at Disney should be a ride all its own. It’s way better than sightseeing at Walmart, or the streets of a large city or some tourist trap. The Disney patrons are fierce and varied. I could sit and watch them all day, trying to guess what country they were from or how much they were enjoying standing in line or how much fun their sleeping kids were having in their strollers as their red-faced parents pushed them around in expensive strollers.
But I was still a thirsty man, and I wanted a beer. All the screaming kids and stressed-out parents in the world couldn't distract me from that. Although I could curb my manly urges...I chose not to. This time.
Since our wanderings had brought us to Africa (a region in Animal Kingdom, that is; I walk pretty fast but I hadn’t changed continents) Might as well try to blend in with the locals, so I got a bottle of Tusker Lager. Which is supposedly an African beer. More likely it's made by trained baboons harvesting the sweat and tears from visitors and bottling it up with a little Disney magic.
My wallet gave up a dying scream, and also ten bucks.
Ten bucks buys you a bottle of beer (assuming you’re kind enough to leave a dollar tip for the nice lady behind the bar who never speaks to you or looks at you or even smiles). I’m nothing if not nice. And in the end, I was also out ten bucks.
As I sipped my expensive cheap lager from my even cheaper plastic cup and watched the visitors to Africa struggle by under the hot sun, I wondered why I hadn’t just smuggled in some good beer in my water bottles.
Three manly sips, and my plastic cup was empty. I sighed.
Maybe next time.
In lieu of good beer, maybe @aksounder or @carn would like to assemble something for Comedy Open Mic Round 15 as well.
Photo by @negativer
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Oh my gosh, that’s so true! Not to mention that they only give you enough food to last you an hour so you’re back there spending more money a little while later, like food is the key attraction!
Love this. So funny. I won’t comment on male urges or what Captain Hook may or may not have been doing with your derrière, but I really enjoyed every line of this post!
Thanks @jayna!
The food at Disney is actually really good, but despite that and the price of the food, I still saw people throwing out half-eaten pulled pork sandwiches and partially consumed baskets of fries. I just wanted to go up to them and ask are you gonna finish that?
Cuz I would've eaten it for them.
Never been there before. Drove by it. I could feel my wallet start to pull at my pocket in their direction, so I pinned it and got as far down the road as I could.
It's a fun place to visit, but it's like Las Vegas; you just have to go knowing that you're going to lose a lot of money there, and hopefully have a few memories to show for it in the end.
I'm sure that's true, but Vegas is sooooo fun, with soooo much less humidity.
Ouch! $10? Back at uni, my flatmate and I used to sneak beers into the cinema. Admittedly Disneyland would be harder with bag screening and no glass policies.
Good post though. I'm back in Panama now so should be better at looking at my feed.
I think I could do it with a closed water bottle. They didn't peek inside the water bottle we brought.
Guess I'll have to go back again and try.
Welcome back to Panama! Always nice to come home. I was away at Disney for two days, and couldn't wait to get back home at the end.
When my wife and I brought the kids, decades ago... it was a blast, watching the families eating their giant Turkey leg drumstick, and sipping the $7 coke, gnawing on $5 bag of chips.
You know, after waiting in line with the cranky, hopped up kids, their little bladders were going to give out at the worst possible time.
Plan your rides based on the number if kids, size of the line, wind direction and inversely proportional to the amount of time since the last 5 gallon soda Jr had.
Yea, I can't imagine standing in line with kids and any beverages. Some of the rides had 3 hour waits, and unless you had someone to hold your place in line you were boned if you had to leave to pee.
I've still never done the turkey leg drumstick.
Hillarious. I love the bitter tone of your humor in these. Not so sure I love how you've called me out though, hahaha. I'm not so sure I have a knack for written humor.
I'm pretty sure you can ignore the callout and the comedy open mic police will let it slide.
This time.
It's weird but true: I smuggle more flasks into events now than I did when I was under legal drinking age.
I need to do this more often. Sporting events, movies, Disney. So many inviting opportunities...
Probably whatever food they sell there is extra salty, and that coupled with the hot sun, might call for a constant source of liquid refreshment. Sounds terrifying! Don't they have water fountains on the premises?
They do have some fountains scattered around, mostly near the bathrooms. I think they have it worked out so that it's really tough to fill a water bottle properly since you almost have to have it tipped completely horizontally for water to go in (thus spilling the contents out). They probably have a whole team of experts that work on this kind of stuff.
Well, one could say only $10 bucks too. The goods news is no one died. Sounds Loke a wonderful trip all in all :)
Nobody died...yet.
This was only part of the story, a small vignette, a little side story for fun. More to come..later.
Thx for reading! :)
I loved your entry and totally identify with this story. One day they will not even allow liquids in public places. You will just have to piss in the cup if you are thirsty.
Ah yes; pee in a cup. Not so far off from some of these beers, and definitely cheaper. I'll...uh...consider trying that next time.
This was so painful to read. I can't stand getting gouged for stuff I could get way cheaper, like, anywhere else.
But dude, this was very funny! I'm definitely glad I'm stuck with you on the Intangible. :D
It's painful for me too, getting gouged in the rear...oh...you mean buying stuff. Yes.
It's painful for me too, getting gouged in the rear...oh...you mean buying stuff. Yes.
You have no idea how much it burns me to overpay for something I know I can get cheaper. I need to buy stuff on sale. I need to drink during happy hour. I need BOGO.
Disney has none of this stuff.
I grit my teeth and buy the least amount of stuff I can get away with while not looking like a complete stick-in-the-mud.
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Sweet! Thanks! I love this new initiative you folks are doing!
Never been to Disney World or Land or Vegas even ... my preconceptions ... zombie standing in line land but maybe I would change my mind if I went to any of these fine places. I am glad you got your beer; might I suggest two:):):)
Vegas, on the other hand, is Disney for a whole different kind of kid
Not into gambling ... maybe for the Elvis impersonators:)
I went to Vegas once for business. I had twenty bucks in hand. I said that was all I would spend.
3 minutes later, I had no bucks in hand.
Quickest 20 I ever spent.
I am in the convention and conference biz, so, I am in Vegas at least 3 or 4 times a year.
I haven't gambled in years, though. working so much there, last thing I want is to be around all the Vegas tourists.
If you do go, plan on going against peak times. All the families, with little kids? usually they plan to be there when the park opens, and thne, by 3p,m, the kids melt down, lose it, and mom and dad lose it, too!
Afternoons are good.
Or, Friday after Thanksgiving at Disneyworld. NEVER hit Saturday after thanksgiving at EPCOT. Disney gives free passes to residents of the county for that day.
Thanksgiving weekend is actually one of the slower Disney weekends. So, go then.
You're right on that. Mid afternoon the whole well-planned vacation falls apart for everyone.
There's a whole community of insiders and fancy websites that give you the prime (and worst) times to hit Disney.
fun,fun, and fun..its all about fun over there @negativer
Neg, this story really had me laughing out loud!
The first time I visited Disneyland (at age 7) was truly magical... it was, of course, on my parents' dime. And then there was the time Apple rented the whole damn park as a gift for those who visited their booth at NCC '80, where they unveiled the Apple ///.
However, I've become (if possible) even more jaded than you, and the magic is now gone... :O
😄😇😄
You're a bit older than me, so I think you have a right to be cynical. I'm catching up to you though!
Although to be fair, the Avatar ride they have in their new Pandora section of Animal Kingdom was amazing and mind-blowing. Worth the price of admission and the 3 hour wait in line.
OK,
Avatar was a fun flick... Maybe I'll visit one day? ;)