If you go down to the woods today, you're sure for a big surprise,
If you go down to Maypole House, you wont believe your eyes.
The day began quite mundanely, which was probably the best way for a Sunday to begin.
I did my morning routine, before I joined up with Kerstin in the garden for a coffee.
We had no real plan for the day, as we sat quietly at the patio table and listened to the morning chorus. I looked over towards the birds in the trees, as I slowly began to think of different activities for us to do that day.
'The beach was half a plan' I thought to myself, but knowing how I struggle to sit still for long periods at a time, I quickly dismissed this idea.
I sipped my coffee and thought on, while Kerstin played with her iphone.
'Maybe we could just spend the day lounging in the garden, and listen to music'
This was also an idea, but then again, the beautiful spring morning was not one for wasting.
'Maybe we should do something a little more active' my mind continued, 'but nothing that would require too much energy' I thought, 'as I know my limits'
I consciously became aware that if I didn't soon come up with a nice idea for our Sunday, then Kerstin would begin to think 'out loud' about shopping.
I looked over to Kerstin, who was now busy thumbing her way through the pages of a glossy magazine. I took this to be a warning sign.
I could probably count the minutes now, before Kerstin would start to point out a nice new outfits from the magazine that she liked. She would then subconsciously create a need of a new outfit, and then I was quite sure by that time, we'd probably be on our way to a flee market someplace.
I knew where this story was going. I thought about shopping, and then I thought about spending money, and then I screwed up my face.
Both of these concepts have a strange effect on me, shopping and spending money.
I get that same anxious feeling when I hear nails running down a blackboard.
It's not my fault that I don't like to go shopping, or indeed to spend money.
They say that you can't help the way your Mother puts your hat on, and after all, my family motto was 'A penny saved is a penny earned'
I'm from Yorkshire, and Yorkshire folk don't like to spend money.
It's a 'well known' fact that the only reason people from Yorkshire have a sense of humour, is because it's free.
I began to perish the thought of shopping with greater emergency. I glanced over to Kerstin, who was now reading an article in her magazine titled 'Why aren't You Shopping'
"Lets go for a walk" I blurted out, "Into the woods"
Kerstin looked across at me, but before I gave her a chance to answer, I quickly 'jazzed up' my proposal with saying, "I know a secret place, and it's not far from here"
Kerstin was intrigued, and folded up the magazine, placing it back on the table.
'Perfect' I thought to myself, not only an activity that required minimum effort, but also one that was completely free.
We now had a plan. We were going for a walk in the secret woods.
We weren't going shopping.
I drove along the narrow and windy Lincolnshire roads at a leisurely pace, which felt quite appropriate for a Sunday morning.
The reason that I was given, for why the Lincolnshire roads were so incredibly windy, was because the locals farmers laid the roads on top of the tracks left behind by the cows.
I guess that if the cows had walked in a straight line back then, maybe Lincolnshire would have been credited for engineering the first straight roads.
I don't know how much truth this story holds, but as we slowly weaved our way along the road in the general direction of Alford, I gave the story more credit.
Alford is a small and peaceful market town, sat on the doorstep to the Lincolnshire Wolds.
Half way up the hill, on the road out of Alford, there's a turning to the left which leads to a picturesque village called 'Well'
The village of Well is probably better known for the 'Private Boys School' named 'Maypole House' that occupies the main building on the property.
The grounds of the Manor House are everything that you'd expect from such a grand and beautiful place, with lakes, woodlands, and even a chapel that silently sits on top of the hill and overlooks the estate.
This was where our woodland walk was going to take place.
As we strolled along the woodland path, and with our adventure about to begin,
I couldn't help but notice a sign that had been placed at the start of the trail.
The sign demanded our immediate attention, warning us about 'Forest Operations'
I'm not going to lie, I found the sign to be comical at first, but that's simply my 'School boy' mentality thinking 'Ha look, which idiot was paid to put that there'
But the 'innocent child' part of my brain was quickly replaced with the 'I'm getting too old and everything is annoying me' side of my brain.
My inner 'Old Man' began to speak freely, as I spewed out my thoughts in a chaotic fashion.
Everything had the ability to annoy me, but right now my rants were directed at 'Health and Safety' and 'Stupid People' and 'Climate Change' and 'Shit Music'
Kerstin looked on unimpressed, having heard it all before.
She's convinced that I have an undiagnosed Tourette's problem.
The great thing about the English countryside, apart from it's beauty, is that there are no animals running around to will attack you, or any horrible little spiders that will bite you.
I wasn't aware of any threats or possible dangers that a little walk in the nature could pose,
as 'A gentle stroll through the countryside' rated very low on my 'Dangerous Activities' chart, just before sleeping.
"This was a great idea" I said to Kerstin, as we walked along.
Even my undiagnosed Tourette's problem had temporarily found harmony with my surroundings.
Kerstin and I strolled through the woodland in an almost 'zen like' meditational state.
We soon came to a group of trees, and to where all the local snails had taken up residency.
I was not sure why these trees were so special, or why indeed the sails were attracted to them, but on various branches and trunks along the way we found 'gangs' of snails all just hanging out together.
Maybe this was safety in numbers on the snails behalf, as you're always stronger in a little gang, that's basic.
Neither Kerstin or myself had seen such behaviour from the snails before, so we did the predictable thing and took out our iphones.
We left the snails in peace, and to continue doing whatever it was they were busy doing.
Kerstin began to fall of the pace a little bit, as she casually wandered along behind me.
It wasn't really a big deal that Kerstin was slowly 'bringing up the rear'
I strolled on ahead, as she paused to take another photo of another yellow flower.
We eventually came to a narrow part of the woodland path, to where the tree-lines thinned out and exposed the farmers fields beyond. To our left was a gate, which lead into a large meadow, and to our right was a short path, that lead to a freshly ploughed field.
I instantly went to climb over the gate that lead into the lush green meadow, and to where I could see an old and tired looking tree.
Kerstin was drawn more towards the ploughed field on the right, as something there had caught her attention.
As Kerstin turned right, and followed the path towards the field, I turned to face the gate.
I was feeling quite brave, with all of this fresh air and exercise that I'd suddenly become exposed to, but as I went to jump over the gate like some young Olympian, reality soon kicked in, and I hobbled over the gate like any other self respecting middle aged man.
I walked across the grass towards the old tree, and began to take a few photographs.
Then I wandered around the tree for a bit, and then I took a few more pictures.
Eventually I circled the old tree for one last time, before I stood still for a moment.
I truly felt that I was connecting with nature in my own special little way.
I looking back towards the gate at the edge of the meadow, and thought for a second.
My mind was subconsciously aware that Kerstin was not with me, so I began to make my way back towards the edge of the field, and back towards Kerstin.
The wind began to gather momentum now, rocking the treetops back and forth with increased power. I quickened my step back towards the edge of the meadow, and back to where I'd last seen Kerstin.
My eyes focused on the gate before me, as my ears tuned into the vibrations of the forest.
I listened intently to the sound of the wind, as it race through the woodlands at an alarming speed now.
I felt like the trees were almost trying to communicate with me.
Then a sound hit my ears, a loud high pitched noise that sending shivers down my spine.
I heard a voice screech out my name,
"TONY....."
I raced over towards the gate now, with my eyes fixed on the footpath ahead, and to where I thought I could see a dark figure? a man? an unwanted stranger through the tree lines?
Was there somebody else in the woods?
My questions were quickly answered, as there was indeed a strange man in the woods.
He was stood with his back to me, and slightly hidden on the path.
It looked as if he was stalking his pray, as he peered towards the field to where Kerstin had earlier disappeared into.
I quickly scanned my target as I drew closer, He was wearing hiking boots, with khaki shorts, and he had a prosthetic leg?
The unwanted stranger quickly became aware of my presents, as I cleared the gate from the meadow with one single motion, and sharply turned towards him.
The mysterious stranger slowly face the footpath that lay ahead, and began to moved forward in a nonchalant style.
Although it was weird how the unwanted stranger made no real effort to leave the area,
my immediate concerns were for Kerstin, as I nervously looked towards the field that she'd ventured off into. Thankfully my panic was short lived, as down the path came Kerstin, leisurely walking back towards me without a care in the world.
"We stay together now" I calmly told Kerstin as we reunited on the woodland path.
Kerstin saw the look in my eyes and said nothing. She then instinctively glanced up towards the unwanted stranger, who was still milling around our general comfort zone.
He just seemed to be looking up at the trees, and made no real effort to continue his journey.
"Did you take a nice photo?" I asked, as Kerstin looked back in my direction.
My question was a bit random, but I was trying to act all composed and cool for the situation.
Kerstin was still slightly oblivious to what had just happened, or to what might of happened.
She began to tell me about the photos she'd taken.
I listened for a moment, before directing the conversation back to the unwanted stranger.
"Did you see his prosthetic leg?" I began, unsure myself as to what I'd seen.
"It looked like it had spikes coming out of it, like a predator almost"
We both looked up again towards the mysterious stranger, but he was no longer to be seen.
"Did you see his prosthetic leg?" I questioned again, looking for some kind of confirmation from Kerstin, but she hadn't really taken much notice of the unwanted stranger, but was quite eager to show me the photo that she'd taken.
At first glance, Kerstin had taken a nice photo. Then she pointed out the face in the clouds to me, and after a while, the face in the clouds was all that I could see.
Kerstin said that the face was of God, and that he was looking out for her.
The energy around the woodlands had changed, with the wind decreased slightly also.
We decided to continued forward and move deeper into the woods. After a few needless shout cuts along the way, we stumbled upon a place where we could rest for a while,
and quench our thirsts.
We sat there for a minute, as I began to observed our surroundings.
The notion that we'd probably wandered onto private land gentle dawned upon me.
The trees in this part of the woodland looked particularly threatening.
"We're in the ugly part of the forest" I announced to Kerstin.
Once again the wind began to grow in strength, shaking the trees around unceremoniously.
My concerns now were for the unmanaged woodlands that surrounded us.
"Listen out for branches cracking and falling on your head!" I warned Kerstin.
The strong winds were now bringing down the branches from the trees, and discarding them recklessly across the forest floor.
"Maybe health and safety for the woodlands would be a good idea" I joked,
"As I think we could do with a couple of hard-hats right about now"
We decided at this point to cautiously retreated from our woods, and begin to find the path that would lead us back towards our car.
For some reason, we didn't take the direct route back towards the sanctuary of our vehicle.
For some reason, we were still rambling carelessly around the woodlands.
A sign post confirmed that we had indeed wandered onto private land, but for some reason we chose to ignore the sign, and continued to follow our journey.
The wind steadily declined, and the trees now gently rocked with less menace than before.
We both paused for a moment on the footpath, as a crow now requested our attention.
We watched on, as the crow swooped down to the ground before us.
The crow then hopped forward a couple of times, making sure we could clearly see him.
Then he turned his back on us, and flew off ahead, towards the most magnificent tree that now stood before us.
Kerstin and I looked on, how had we not seen this beautiful old tree before.
We both moved slowly forward towards the old tree, drawn closer by the strong energy that flowed around us.
My mind began to drift along, inventing stories. I wanted to hear the old trees story, I wanted to know about the ancient secrets that only this tree knew about.
'This was a wise old tree' I thought, 'This was a kind old tree'
I began to circle around the thick trunk, one step at a time. I then reached forward with my hand, moving slowly closer.
Then I froze to the spot. I really couldn't believe me eyes.
There before me was the secret, the one big secret that this old tree wanted to share.
"Is it a fox? or a deer?" I called out to Kerstin.
"oh shit" came the reply.
We stood still for a few seconds, before I continued the questions,
"Is it a deer or a fox? because it looks like a fox, but it has hooves like a young thorn"
Kerstin said nothing.
Either way, its lifeless body was held aloft by the tree, and now it's spirit runs free.
The poor little thing didn't stand a chance. Evil Bastards.
The woodland did try to warn us about 'Forest Operations'
The Snails did warn us to stick together.
The Wind did call out my name, and God was watching on.
But why did we follow the Crow to the Tree of dark secrets?
And what message were we suppose to take from the Tree?
I looked across towards Kerstin, "I think we should go now" I said, to which she agreed.
We had experienced quite enough from the countryside for one day, which left us with more questions that answers.
Why did we follow that crow?
I later asked Kerstin if she had shouted out my name in the woods that day,
but she said that she hadn't.
Anyway, next weekend we're going shopping.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Image Credits to 'Off the Rails' & Kerstin
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