The Bard of Boring Boardrooms

There’s nothing worse than a boardroom full of wealthy and well-engaged clients.
The less engaged clients don’t care what it is you do, you can make mistakes and they won’t bat an eyelid. Sometimes I do this on purpose. Sometimes I stop talking for tens of seconds at a time, watching to see when their eyes start to slowly go from glazed over to increasingly aware that something is off. There’s an art to this. Watching how quickly the eyes flit about and gauging at what point someone is going to mention the fact that your pause has really been quite inordinately long, the moment they’re about to speak you cut in. If they’ve already begun speaking you cut them off. Simple. On days when I talk to such lowly clients, I go for a more matronly look. It pays not to attract undue attention from such types.
Less wealthy clients are actually more concerned about what it is you’re up to. You’d think that with less money riding on you that they wouldn’t be, but it’s often worth relatively more to them. Fortunately, less wealthy clients are easily dazzled. You pretend to have done so well in other corporations, name drop Steve Jobs, who you’re having dinner with later that day, and they won’t question a thing that you do. These suckers are easy to walk over.
Well engaged clients, comparatively, notice small things like a three minute break. Even if you say you’re off to the washroom, doing so in the middle of a presentation is frowned upon, and there are bound to be some raised eyebrows. They’ll notice if you say ‘key performance instigators’, and will hold it against you. Well engaged clients watch you, examining you like some novel bacterium beneath a microscope.
Wealthy clients are also impossible to dazzle. They’ve grown up in expensive academies where guys like me who name dropped impossible celebrities were the norm. They aren’t fooled. Nor are they impressed if your high claims are true. While these high rollers tend to expend relatively little on their companies, and care slightly less than their less affluent corporate counterparts, that doesn’t mean that they’re immune to the sting of loss. They’re coolly calculating at every moment how likely you are to fuck up. They’ve seen the best in the business, and they know if you don’t measure up.
The usual solid single piece of mahogany, some forty foot long and ten foot wide, was laying in front of me, supported by stainless steel legs. Silver haired heads looking over spectacles speculated as to whether this unknown woman was worth the investment. The windows outside showed vistas of cloud, clouds as ethereal as the company I was pitching. A few other skyscraper apexes were visible poking out of the low-hanging nimbostratus. There’s a kind of phallic competition which occurs between companies that use buildings like this. Apparently these guys were winning.
Saying “these factors combine to provide us with massive upscale potential,” I wrapped up my presentation with a simper and a smile. It was question time.
“Do you have projections for the profit after your second quarter?” Asked a aquiline man with a nasal voice.
“Approximately 230 million if we maintain our current growth,” I replied without skipping a beat. Questions like these you can anticipate. The answers can be memorized or improvised depending on how reckless you feel on a given day. Today I had memorized that answer, but there were others that I was prepared to pull from a hat. You might think that improvising in such high-risk areas is a dangerous strategy, but far from it. Improvisation is an important skill, which it pays to practice under pressure.
“How much do you anticipate your overhead growing over the next business cycle?” This question came from one of the two women in a room otherwise dominated by men. Women in these situations are often amongst the first to speak up, whether out of a need to remind the room that they’re there or out of a desire to demonstrate their competence I don’t know. Nor do I know how women last in this industry after their good looks have faded. By the looks of grandma doing the asking, her tits probably sagged to her knees once she took her tight suit off.
“We anticipate low overhead growth, certainly overhead costs have never been heavy for us anyway. Even if we were to experience a tenfold increase in overhead that would hardly dent our profits.” It pays to put women like this in their place. I’m the center of attention bitch. Don’t forget it.
Question periods can go on for hours if you aren’t quick and and quippy. You can be lengthy in your responses if you like, but you can’t be in the middle. I’ve seen some of my colleagues deliver responses which are long winded, winding alleyway kind of answers which leave the asker wondering at what point they went from the topic of digital marketing to the merits of tax accounting. These kind of answers discourage the asker, but tend to harm your professional image. Not a problem if you’re going for the suckers who are low hanging fruit to us. Definitely a problem in a high level boardroom.
Whatever you do, it’s important to avoid going towards the middle range of an answer. These kind of responses waste everyone’s time, because the clients are kept just engaged enough to keep asking. If you’re going to slow down, slow down so much it makes them itch.
The clock on the wall, which was as plain and characterless as the people it overlooked, all save one of course, ticked it’s way through these mundane formalities. There has been no problem with retaining staff thus far. Our CEO is very eager to arrange a meeting with the board, but will be in Singapore for the remainder of the month. Yes we have enquired about expanding our operation into other markets.
The muffled noise from the busy streets below could be heard through the window panes. Rush hour was waxing and horns blurted angry mechanical profanities at one another in a desperate competition for dominance. After almost an hour spent peppering me with questions from every angle they could consider. It’s disgusting how little these boards understand about technology. Every internet related term is to them a buzzword. Targeting large companies with minimal tech knowledge is growing increasingly difficult, but I don’t mind. By the time they’ve all come around I ought to have enough saved up to be able to retire comfortably.
I take a cab home. They aren’t traceable the same way my own vehicle would be. Expensive yes, but a necessary expense. That evening I watch my phone screen as the credit transfer is sent to Forged Holdings Inc., another cool coupe of million that will ‘bide the company over’ as it goes through a momentary management shift.
The wigs never seem to stop irritating my scalp, and my skin seems to be suffering from the makeup and plastic pads which redefine my contours. It’s a small price to pay for what will soon be an eternal existence in the sun.