Recently I finished the book Barking up The Wrong Tree, by author Eric Barker.
Image from http://www.bakadesuyo.com/
I would like to share my notes with you.
My goal was to make them into a post that is coherent, is readable and makes sense. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I'd be happy to answer :)
Let's see what it takes to be successful in life, and some misconceptions that each of us might have, according to the author.
Do nice guys finish last?
Sometimes it may seem like the jerks finish first.
This is not the case though. They may have a few wins in the short-term, but the Givers are the ones that win in the long term.
Givers are people who always try to find ways to give to people.
Takers are the ones who try to take more and give less.
Matchers try to balance give and take.
Tit for tat (TFT) from game theory is a strategy that sums up like this: Give value to people, be willing to forgive betrayals once. Punish Takers.
It's the single strategy that wins in the long term.
We can take from four lessons TFT's success:
- Don't envy someone's win. It's not individual wins that matter, but how well you're doing in the long run.
- Don't be the first to defect. All the big winners are nice and all the big losers start off betraying.
- Reciprocate both cooperation and defection
- Keep things simple. Teach people that if they cooperate with you, you will cooperate with them. If they betray you, you will betray them.
About quitting and persevering
Try to see difficult circumstances as a game to have fun with.
During difficult circumstances it's useful to tell yourself a different story about what's happening.
What good games have in common? (WNGF). They are Winnable, they have Novel challenges, they have Goals, and they provide Feedback.
Sometimes though, it's wiser to quit. In a strategic way. Quit any secondary things to do that one thing that really matters.
Try different things. This is how you become lucky, by going out there and trying stuff.
If you don't know what you're gritty at, you need to try lots of different things knowing that you will fail most of them.
Don't just dream about things you'd like to achieve. Use WOOP (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan)
What's that thing that you wish for? (having a great job)
What is the outcome? (become the CEO of Apple)
What are the obstacles to get there? (I don't have the skills required to get a job at Apple yet)
What is the plan to achieve your wish? (Do an MBA)
Who do you know?
Unfortunately for introverts, research shows that extroverts are happier, make more money and are luckier.
Strangely enough, on the other hand extroversion is negatively correlated to being good at one's job.
Top performers are positioned in the middle of the intro-extroversion scale.
Also, most people are not completely introverts or completely extroverts. According to circumstances, people adjust their behavior.
How to best network? Try to be a friend and to give without expecting to get back.Be socially optimistic. Assume others will like you and they probably will.
Techniques for successful networking:
- Start with old friends you haven't had contact in a while
- Find the individuals in your network that connected you with the most people
- Allocate time during the week to meet people (old friends or new acquaintances)
It's important to have a mentor.
How to get a great mentor:
- Be a good student: Work hard, and don't expect all the answers from the mentor
- Study the mentor: Find if he/she is the right one for you by researching him/her online
- Don't waste their time: Ask questions that matter
- Follow up with emails: Don't be either too intrusive or absent. Cultivate a relationship
- Make them proud: Your success benefits not only you, but them also.
But how to deal with difficult situations with people?
- Slow things down. Don't get angry
- Listen to the other person and acknowledge
- Label emotions: When someone looks angry you can say "Sounds like you're upset"
- Make them think: Help them turn on their thinking part of the brain which shuts down when one gets angry.
About confidence
A few things about confidence:
- Self-compassion is better than self-esteem
- Be aware of your level of self-esteem and adjust your actions accordingly
- If you absolutely need to be confident, you are better off focusing on small wins and improving your skills
- Don't fake it, but try to be the the best version of yourself
Work-life balance
Tips for managing your time so you have a balance in your life:
Track your time
There are four metrics that matter the most when evaluating where someone spends their time on:
- Happiness. Feelings of enjoyment and contentment about your life
- Achievement. Accomplishing your goals
- Significance. Having a positive impact in other people's lives
- Legacy. What are some of your values that can help other people find success
Talk to your boss about how you contribute to the company and what is expected from you. Proactive employees are valuable.
Plan things on a calendar instead of doing do-to lists.
Increased free time doesn't make people happier, but instead scheduling that free time in advance.
Control your environment (context).
20'' rule: make things that you should be doing 20'' easier to start, and things shouldn't 20" harder.
End the day well - and on time.
Write things down at end of day, about what has to be done tomorrow.
Conclusion
Success equals alignment.
Alignment of who you are and where you want to be.
Most important type of alignment is being connected with friends and loved ones who help you become the person you want to be.
Research shows that happiness brings success.
I love this. Cheers! Wish I had more money to give! Or any.
No worries mate! Happy to help. Thanks for the comment
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STOPNext up is a book titled "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most", by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen
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