So everybody now a days are making books, videos and what not about success and how to achieve your dreams. I say to hell with that. What about us? The loser, homeless, bum wana-be's. The people who want to do nothing; accomplish nothing; be nothing!
This is for all my peeps out there who try to fail so hard in a success driven world!
Successful people, read no further.
1- Let your dream become just that "a dream".
When you have a great idea that you believe will change the world or at least yourself and the people around you, all you have to do is "NOTHING". Relax, don't take action, and just keep daydreaming about it. Better yet forget all about it. Further more, under no circumstance should you take a first step towards any goal, as taking a first step might actually motivate you to take another. Redo often and by time you will stop having those ridiculous success thoughts.
2- If you succeed take a deep long rest.
So you did that terrible mistake of taking a first step and unfortunately it's looking good. NO WORRIES! Again, just relax and do nothing. Tell yourself you deserve a deep long numbing rest, the longer it is the better the chance that in time you will forget what you wanted to do in the first place. Better yet, someone might even take your idea and do it themselves during your long rest time. Which will leave you frustrated, disappointed and sorry for yourself. That's what we're aiming for, right?
3- Over Plan!
You tried to turn your dream into a daydream, you even tried to take deep long numbing rests. But no matter what you do that idea or dream still haunts you; you see it every where you go and you can't seem to escape it. Simple! the magic words are over plan. although planning can be very useful, yet over planning is the exact opposite. Try to write down every single step in extremely boring detail, forecast each and every single outcome, take your time - like really take your time - decades if need be. Try your best to expect everything and make everything perfect, and since nothing can be perfect, you will soon feel tired, frustrated and scared that something surely will go wrong.
4- Believe in overnight success.
Yes, we've all heard the stories of the two guys who set up a PC in their basement, coded a couple of days and voila, they built a company worth billions of dollars. Of course, these stories are true but incomplete. Most of these overnight successes have studied hard, worked hard and faced many failures before finally achieving their dream. But you don't need to do that. Believe deeply that success is so easy and simple. It will throw you into a state of false security that will encourage you to do nothing at all or - in the worst case scenario - do minimal effort and be ok with it. What's about this is even if you actually decide to do something and fail the first time, you will rationalize that life is so unfair to you and that you never had it in you to succeed in the first place.
5- Believe in everything people say.
Although seeking advice - especially on subjects you don't have a full grasp of - is the trait of successful people, yet waiting for people's approval before taking action is your high way to failure. Being successful sometimes means you have to go against the tide, so obviously always go with the tide, and if you're lucky the tide will lead you straight to the sewers. Being successful means you've got to believe in yourself even when everyone doubts you. How stupid is that? I say believe in people and always doubt yourself! If people tell you "You can't do it" believe it, "It's a stupid idea" believe it. After all, some of them are your friends and family, they probably know what's best for you.
6- Be always sure that it's NOT your fault!
A real and true failure is someone who knows that if a problem occurs it can't probably be his fault, it must be everyone else's mistake. You are perfect, you are a star, you are a genius, and you're so good you can't get any better. Even if you do know it's your fault, why take the blame? Just blame it on someone else. Taking responsibility means you will improve because you will attempt to correct a faulty behavior. You don't need that, you're perfect!
If you're not the blaming type though, you can always take it to the opposite extreme " Everything IS your fault". A guy got mugged in your neighborhood? Your Fault. Traffic jam? Your Fault. Global warming? Hell yeah!!! Do this until you have a deep doubt in yourself, every action you do and every step you take. ENJOY!
7- ** Surround yourself with bigger failures than yourself**
All what's mentioned above won't work if you surround yourself with successful people. Success is contagious, it's like a virus. You will find yourself wanting to become better and more successful like them, and you'll start seeing success as a good thing. What's even worse is that they'll probably give you good advice and support. No! Surround yourself with the biggest losers ever; the kind of people who have no ambitions and dreams what so ever, and don't try to accomplish anything. That's good because whenever you have these poisonous success thoughts, one look at them and you'll realize you're not doing so bad after all.
There you go! The definitive guide to total and absolute failure. Follow it with diligence and soon enough your name will be written in the newspapers in the suicide section.
What do you think? what other ways lead to certain failure? what do you want me to write about the next time?
Don't forget to share and upvote, because that will mean that I have even failed at failing. Comon! How cool is that??
Ironically, a lot of people who stumble into "success" are tone deaf like that...
Nice read, witty stuff. :)
:D I've heard a proverb once: Give me good luck and throw me in the middle of the ocean!
I know i'm not lucky, so I'd better work hard :)
What do you think I should write about next?
Nice proverb. :)
Write whatever comes to you naturally.
I think that's an understatement.