Is suicide selfish? I've seen it said over and over again, in the light of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's suicides, that suicide is selfish. Here is my answer. This pertains to suicides born out of depression. Those performed as an answer to terminal illness or intractable pain are not discussed.
Consider a person who is hallucinating and in a delusional state of mind. This person self-harms. Would we consider that selfish? This is how I consider suicide. The person is in a state of mind that tells them lies about their self-worth and that the world would be better off without them. While not a full on hallucinatory delusion, it is a false reality, no less. The person is not making decisions based on what is true.
Selfish-ness can be a characteristic of a person who kills themselves. They can refuse to take care of their mental health. That can be a selfish path, if their illness is not interfering with their ability to make rational decisions.
Calling the act selfish may give the survivors a measure of comfort. The anger and rage that accompanies the seemingly senselessness of the act needs a focus. I don't blame anyone for feeling that way. It is a completely valid feeling. However, I do feel that feeling is a coping mechanism and not necessarily truth.
What if someone is suicidal and hears others go on and on about how selfish suicide is? Is it possible that person will internalize that this compulsion within them is just one more damning piece of evidence of how selfish and unworthy they are, thus adding another negative voice to the choir.
If suicide prevention is our goal, maybe we need to stop demonizing the people who commit it. Heavens knows we shouldn't hold them up as people to be emulated, but we don't need to de-humanize or objectify or invalidate their suffering by calling it selfish.
Yes, the fallout is damaging. It is said that when a parent commits suicide, their children are at a much higher risk of the same. Is it because the children are also selfish? Or is it because the trauma deludes their thinking? It is a horrible, tragic thing.
I like to describe suicidal thoughts as a knocking at the door. There were times in my life where that knocking was closer to a team with a battering ram. I had to lean against the door to keep it from caving. Other times, a light-tapping. I've worked really hard on my mental life. Now, there is no more knocking. It is more like footsteps in the hall on the other side of the door. I don't hear the knock anymore, but I know it is there, just waiting for me to stop paying attention to the health of my mental life.
I feel like people who kill themselves aren't taking an active action, but they just run out of energy to lean against that door that is getting beaten in. It's more of an exhaustive collapse, in my opinion. The lies win and overtake the truth.
Are there things you can do right now to lessen the knocking at the door?
- If you need a doctor, go get one.
- If you eat a lot of processed food, try to move towards more whole foods. Start by adding one extra piece of fruit a day.
- Alcohol is not your friend.
- Go outside your house.
- Understand the mindset you wake up with does not have to be the mindset you spend the day with.
- While you can't control negative thoughts coming into your head, you can control whether you roll around on the ground with them. Acknowledge them and then with as much power as you can, bring in intentional positive thoughts.
- Without harsh self-judgement, listen and take note of the things you say to yourself. If you said those things to another person, would it be considered emotional abuse. If it would, face the truth that you are abusing yourself. If it compulsive self-abuse, see #1.
- Move. Activity improves mood.
- Identify where you isolate and move towards being a little more social.
- If you hate being social, find one or two people you can have regular meaningful conversations with. A lack of connection over truly meaningful ideas can foster negative thoughts. Find your people.
- Embrace who you are. A lot of self-loathing comes from trying to be someone you aren't. Of course, we should try to be the best versions of ourselves, always. But, be the best version of yourself, not a crappy version of who you think you are supposed to be.
- Do the next right thing. Stop trying to make these huge global changes in your personality. Focus on doing the next right thing. You can't change all the seemingly negative things about yourself, all at once. You can do the next right thing.
- Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. Do you know why it is said you should never meet your heroes? Because they are dumb-asses just like you and me. Everybody had their own version of some disaster in their life. They just aren't advertising it.
- Give yourself grace. There was one perfect person in the history of the earth, you aren't him. You can never be him. While we should all try to get closer to that ideal, and constantly strive to be like him, judging our failings against perfection is dangerous.
- Focus on others. The more generous you are with your thoughts of others, the less room in your skull you have to give to the lies. This isn't a cure, and it doesn't work in all cases, but for many it can make it easier to lean against that door.
- Medication is not weakness. It is strength to see where you need help and get it. Thinking you can do it yourself, where the evidence is clearly showing otherwise is submission to lies. Serve the truth.
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Thank you April. This was really well written. Thank you for sharing what it is to have the knocking, some just don't know, some don't see and others don't acknowledge. Number 12 and 13 are beautiful, please keep telling your story.
Today, I went to the funeral of another beautiful soul that has fallen silent due to suicide. Some people give until they have nothing left for themselves. We need to remember self-care is the most important gift we can give the people we love.