Stupid Bowl LII: My Predictions

I wanna talk a bit about the Super Bowl. I know a lot of hardworking folks are going to enjoy it this weekend, as is tradition in the Fucktarded States. And I hope you do. I hope you enjoy endless commercial breaks full of dogs licking Dorito dust off their balls, punctuated by short bursts of steroidal retards giving themselves brain trauma over a boring, semi-fake rehearsed game where the clock stops every two seconds, and the only action that happens is at the tail end of the fourth quarter. By all means, sit down on the couch, crack a Bud Light, buy a giant five-gallon bucket of football-shaped pretzels that nobody wants, and enjoy. While you’re doing that, I’ll be hurlinh insults from the sidelines.

I don’t watch the Oscars either, but that doesn’t stop me from telling you who should win. If you go on the internet for five seconds, you’re gonna know everything you need to know. What was the score? Was there any controversy? Did a titty pop out? These are the pressing questions of 2018 so far.

Football is the same way. If you’re an expert on the trades and the coaches, you’re at the same level of expertise as the guy who just catches a glimpse on the TV, then goes up to his room to jack off.

All these players had to do is kick a ball for fuck’s sake. That was their only job, but one guy didn't want to stand in obedience of your faggot national anthem, and you flip fried ape shit over it. Is this country stupid or what? I think this country is fuckin’ stupid! And the athletes get caught in the shitstorm.

The first big question you gotta ask yourself: Who are you going to root for? Now, understand I have a very loose definition of “rooting for” a team. If I’m not even gonna watch them play or lay any money down, then I’m really not all that invested in the game. You don’t even have to root for them. But if you were rooting for one...which fucking team of locker room cocksuckers would you choose? And I know a lot of these Superbowl viewers aren’t real fans. And you know how I know? Because people voted for Hillary. But were they real fans? You know bullshit, but you eat it anyway. God bless America.

Now this year we have the Patriots vs. the Eagles. Wow, who the fuck saw that coming, huh? It’s like 9/11. Who could’ve seen it coming? Who knew?

Bush fucking knew.

It’s not as if these games are rigged in favor of the Patriots, right? Not to come off as an Eagles fan, ‘cause fuck them. This is the video some heckler in Philly is gonna pull out of their ass to ruin my show. But fuck Eagles fans. Just kidding, but guys, seriously, cool your shit. You’re running into walls, trying to catch the train. You fuckin’ with Crisco? You fuckin’ maniacs.

Now if I was a betting man, it would make sense to bet on the Patriots, because they’re the heavy hitters. They got Tom Brady, they’re the champs. They’ve been in ten fucking Toilet Bowl championships, they’ve won half. All they do is fuck strippers and win, the whole season. This is Tom Brady’s day. Fuck a ten and make a touchdown. Maybe even at the same time. I don’t see the suspense here. And the Eagles are from Philly, which reeks of piss and homeless people, so fuck that. Boston is a much nicer place to visit.

But, on the other hand, if you value a low crime rate, the Eagles had better win. So they theoretically kill less people. Or not, because win or lose, doesn’t matter much, they’re still rioting! If the Eagles didn’t exist, Eagles fans would still exist. They’d just be called murderers. They’re fucking murderers. They’re murderous. The murderous murderers...murdered all the way to Murdersville! They’re that fucking annoying. Which is worse, their losing riots or their winning riots? Why don’t you flip a fuckin’ coin?

You know the deciding factor for me in who I choose to root for? The colors. The Eagles have this mildewy green hue that looks like the underside of a pier--nasty. But the Patriots have, well, patriotic colors. Red and blue. Yeah! Go Patriots! Could I have said that with a little more enthusiasm? No.

Justin Timberlake is performing for the second time at the halftime show, this time without Janet Jackson. So this time, I predict that Justin Timberlake’s dick will explode out of his pants midway through his performance. His erection will be untameable, because Justin is a showman. He can’t just stop singing in the middle of the show, with his boyish heartthrob voice. He’s got a show to put on. And yet his strength will become his downfall, as Justin will be so head over heels infatuated with his own vocals, that he will spurt loads of cum, like a Super Soaker, into the crowd of meth-head Eagles fans who spent their entire life savings on their back seat tickets Meanwhile, those of us at home are interrupted by yet another commercial of a fat guy saying goodbye to his daughter, and collapsing on a park bench because he didn’t have life insurance, or he didn’t take his Tums. People actually tune in to watch this shit? Fuck it; the drug companies and the insurance companies should get together and do a tie-in. Two commercials for the price of one, how about it?

And if none of this happens, then that just proves my point. There is no reason to watch it. But there is a reason to continue watching RageWin, on YouTube and now, DTube. I’m glad to be among the first people in the community. If you liked this video, subscribe, do it, motherfucker! Hit that like, please do it motherfucker! If you link me to your channel I will do the same. Thanks for watching. My name is Jake Jones. Until next time, use the Rage...for the Win!