I completed my Cambridge A Levels in June 2017 and today I attended my convocation that was held at Seri Stamford College. It was the 67th Graduation Ceremony that was held at the college.
My parents came and bought me a pretty bouquet of flowers and they were immensely proud of and happy for me, which I appreciated. I felt happy but kind of sad at the same time after the event had ended and I think it's because, even though I only had three other classmates during the duration of my study, I made good memories with them. The four of us, we shared the same experiences and went through the same hardships to achieve our goals and although we were stressed out of our minds at certain times (especially during exams), I think we helped keep each other sane.
I am thankful to firstly my parents for believing in me and supporting me through the good, the bad and everything in between. I am also forever grateful for the hard work, dedication and patience of my lecturers; Mr. Eng who made Mathematics look so easy, Ms. Normahanim who made me fall in love with Chemistry, and last but not least, Mr. Hilal who instilled in me an appreciation for Biology. To my friends, you guys are amazing. Thank you for staying with me while I had my nervous breakdowns before exams and inspiring me to be a better version of myself.
I wish I could say that I decided to pursue a degree in something science-related but the truth is that I switched to the arts, specifically business. When I was in secondary school, I had dreams of becoming a neurosurgeon or even an oncologist, but I soon found out that I could not bare to look at blood, or deal with the overwhelming emotions of a sick person. I got too emotional too quickly and I tended to act based on my feelings.
I contemplated hard and long before I made my decision to change my direction and even now, I am unsure of whether I have made the right choice. And the gag is that I have nearly completed a semester of studying subjects like Economics, Accounting, Marketing and Management. Before enrolling at my current university, I consulted lecturers, parents, counselors, and industry experts and the majority of them told me to just do what I am passionate about. It sounds easy, doesn't it? Maybe for some people it is, but not so much for me.
Because I have absolutely no idea what my passion is.
And on some nights, I am kept awake by my incessant thoughts that lead to nowhere. Do I really want to do this? What do I really want? What makes me come alive? I don't have the answers to these questions. Maybe, subconsciously I do but for some reason, I am not accepting them and it is so frustrating. I look at my peers and they look so assured and determined, like they have a specific end-goal in mind and all the steps laid out to reach it; and I think to myself, "What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?" To be in a state of uncertainty is my personal Hell but how do I escape when I have forgotten what it's like to be free of self-doubt?