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But for me, my purpose is still puzzling me. For someone like me who’s already at her golden years, I should have been living a worthy life; no I didn’t mean of being rich nor famous, what I mean of worthy is that I should have been living my purpose of existence by now.
But NO! I am not living! I am not living with purpose! My worth is still unknown! My reason for living is still a big question to me! Why!? Why do I have to live this way!? Why God?!
Or should I just accept that this is really the life God has given me; a life full of misery? Bound with agony?
Why!? Why me? Why God? Why of all people, it’s me? Why at the first place you let me live? I have this feeling that I only exist to experience pain and cruelty.
For my parents , my existence is really unplanned, so they've decided to get rid of me as early as they found out of my heart beat, but God don't let me be, he didn’t let me die as young as my parents wants me to be.
So I live. If only I have a choice then, maybe I should have just chosen to die. Die as young as I can if I have known what this life has stored for me.
God given me a life even though I am not capable of talking , he wanted me to live even though I cannot balance myself into walking, and that still a big mystery to me. Why God?
I live with a poor family; others have this tale that having a "disabled one" is a blessing, a lucky charm that will enable them to have a good luck in life.
And so indeed, as I grew up my family started to have a good luck, they've never run out of money, foods and other things are always easy to have. Their careers are great, their life is great. Is that a purpose I could claim? A lucky charm for them?
Despite of that I never felt worthy. They never treat me well; they're always disgusted by my present. A burden that is all I am for my family. They never bother to let me study, for them it’s just a waste of money. What for? I can’t even pronounce my Abc.
Love? Ohhh' love! There is only one person who makes me feel loved, my mother. Though she didn’t like the idea of my existence at first, she still learned to love me. My loving and patient mother; She's the only one who really cared and makes my life somehow happy. But she's gone. Gone to soon, leaving me in despair.
I grew older and older but I’d never grow up.
I grew old with nothing to learn,
I grew old with no one to love.
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I've got a sister with a huge company of her own, a brother who is a military commander and another sister who is famous on her chosen career, I also got a police nephews, nieces who are professionals on their fields, nevertheless, I also have grand children who have an outstanding honor and are cum laude's. But NO ONE! No one ever make me felt loved!
At the aged of 75, my vision has left me, my world that is ever since dark is now literary dark. I am now blind and is bed ridden, much more harder to take care of.
I am feeling weaker and weaker every day. I am in pain. And the only thing I could do is to cry! To cry my heart out days and nights, whine my pain that's all I can do! And yet they are all getting mad at me, pissed off' they will shout at me, telling me how much of a burden I am, that I should just have died!
Yeah I should! They didn’t know how much I ever want to. From the first day of my life till now, that's all I ever wanted. To die, To end this life.
Throughout my whole life, I always have this question in my mind; why dwell? Why dwell in this life of living hell??
God seems to be a fan of me. Every day, He's giving me this gift of life in which I don’t know why. Others never make it this far, some doesn't even reach half, But why? Why give me this long life? Long life in which I’d got nothing to do, nothing to have and nothing to love.
I’m ready, I've always been ready. I’m ready to leave this world. This world that never been a friend to me. But before that, before I could finally close my eyes for good, I’d like to assert one thing or two.
To you, to you, who have been struggling, don't give up on life! Don't be like me. Know that you have someone to be there for you.
To you, who are hurting, please don’t give up! Don't give up that easily, don't be like me. Know that somewhere in between there will be someone who will ease your pain.
To you, who have been complaining because you've lost something, don’t give up! Don’t be like me. Know that there will always be a chance to have another one, another thing to acquire.
Know that struggling, hurting and losing is part of life together with happiness and love. Be glad that you have the chance to experience it all. Be not like me.
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And to you, to you who might have the chance to meet someone like me, please have the courage to care, be the inspiration, the love she longed to have. Never let that someone be like me.
(There are times in our life that we think that we own all the problems in the world; feeling the weight in our shoulders that pushes us in the bridge of giving up, Never knowing that there are people who’s battling too much tough fight that we could never Imagine. Here is a true story that aspire to be an eye opener, for us to be grateful for the life that we have and give more care to others)
P.S. The identity of the person is confidential.😊!
