As fathers, talk to us about how you have tried to stay connected with your teens.Mark Harden and Paul Droege, fathers of teens
Mark: I have a much easier time relating to my sons because we have shared experiences. I was a young boy once, and I was a young man once. By sharing my experiences and what I felt or how I reacted in different situations with my sons, it really helped them to open up and feel like I understood what they were going through. With my daughters, I enjoy goofing around and cutting up, but sometimes they don't get it. Sometimes there's a little more tension there because I'm their dad, and they want me to be their knight in shining armor. Sometimes, though, I'm just a guy!
Paul: I think it is harder to connect with daughters as a dad. For a number of months, my daughter, Emily, and I were going for early morning walks together. We would end up spending probably thirty minutes just walking. A lot of times we were just walking quietly, holding hands and walking down the road just enjoying the time together. There were times when she would ask a question, and there was a chance for some dialogue and conversation back and forth. We would share ideas, hopes, and dreams together. That really is something that has been very precious for both of us, and yet it's hard to do just because of the amount of time it takes.
Why is it so important for dads to have humor, and how can fathers work on developing this if they don't have it? Jeff Gangel, co-author of Fathering Like the Father
We chose this one because we felt it was one that we sometimes overlook. We forget that God is a God of joy and that He does have a sense of humor. Even as our Father, He wants us to be filled with His joy. As human fathers, we sometimes miss that joy. Sometimes we miss the humor that God wants for us, and we are sometimes so serious and stern in our family relationships and in what happens in our homes that we miss that joy. We wanted to put that right up front and catch a little attention there with one of God's unusual character traits.
I think one way for dads to incorporate humor is to sometimes just stop, look, and listen and realize how funny life is! You can't live in a home with a family without realizing that. There are all the funny things that kids say and do - even on into the teen years. Those are precious moments, and as dads we need to make sure that we don't miss them. Sometimes we need to be the ones to instigate them and bring that humor and joy into the home by what we say and do.
So many men struggle to communicate well with their kids. Talk about how dads can improve in this area. Jeff Gangel, co-author of Fathering Like the Father
I wish there was an easy fix for that one, but it's a reality that men struggle with communication. I think one of the things we can do is just really trust God to help us initiate communication more. Sometimes I think that's where we miss it. Once we get into talking with our kids, it often comes a little easier. Usually where we fail is at that very first point of making the time and asking the right questions.
We need to find a comfortable and easy situation, especially with our teenagers, where the words can flow. If we'll just take that first step, then sometimes the words will come and our kids will respond. They usually won't take the first step, so we need to take initiative and let them know that we want to hear their hearts and better understand them. Once they know and understand that, then often they will communicate better with us.
Kids need to know that we love them from the fact that we take the time to listen to them and talk to them. Communication is a two way street. It's not just the sharing of words, but it's the sharing of understanding. It means that we speak to them so that they understand us, and we listen to them so that we can better understand them. Without that level of communication, the love relationship cannot really grow and move ahead the way God wants it to.
You spend some time looking at the poor fathering example of Eli when he allowed his sons' wickedness to go unchecked. How can men avoid falling into the same lack of holiness problem that Eli had? Jeff Gangel, co-author of Fathering Like the Father
Unfortunately, Eli is a negative example. Here's a man who had responsibilities as a priest in Israel to be a model of godliness and righteousness. As far as we can tell from the Scriptural record, he did his job as a priest fine, but he failed as a father. He didn't instruct his sons, he didn't discipline them, and he didn't restrain them when they started sinning. They had positions of authority as sons of the priest in the tabernacle, but they were abusing that authority and and were sinning against God.
As fathers, we can't say, "Well, I'm doing fine in my business, and I'm active in the church. What else could God want from me?" What God desires is that we be holy and godly fathers, setting an example for our kids. They need to see it in us - not just at church or work - but in the home. They need to see that we are sold out to God, that we love Him, and that we are striving for purity and godliness in our own lives.As kids see that, then they will have a model of holiness that they can learn from.
It's not just that we tell our kids what to do, but we must live out that life for them so that they see it in us everyday. We won't be perfect, but they will see in us a desire to serve God and live for Him. It isn't just a matter of listening to what we say, but they need to have an example to follow.
Why is it so important for fathers to become more public about their passions with their kids?Dan Schaeffer, author of Why I Wear A Plastic Dinosaur: A Call for Dad's to Seize the Moment
It's interesting. Most of the time when kids look at our faith they see the external. They see us go to church, they see us sing the songs, they see us go to Bible study. They see the externals, but they don't see what happens in our heart in our relationship with God. I don't know about you, but there are times when I'm reading the Scriptures quietly by myself, and I am so moved either in prayer or through Scripture that there are tears in my eyes. I am just deeply, emotionally convicted. My kids don't see that. What they see is the external stuff.
The goal is to really help our kids understand what our private passion really is, and that just involves being able to be more transparent with them and sharing our faith with them outside of the very public places that we do it. I know that for men it's almost an anathema to show your emotions, so we keep a lid on them so people will think we're strong. But actually, strength is found in our relationship with Christ and not in how we look. There's a difference between putting on a show which you do for everybody and letting your kids in on your private relationship with Christ.
With my children, I began to realize that they weren't seeing the private part of my relationship with Christ, because I would go into my room and have my quiet time with my door shut. I just did the very small thing of opening that door a little bit. My kids would come in. Even today, I'll be in my chair in my room and they'll come in to get something out of the room, and they'll see me praying and reading my Bible. They'll know that that's an important part of Dad's life, because he does it every single day. He sits in that same chair, and it's not just something he does on Sunday morning. They see that private passion. I don't invite the neighborhood in, I don't make a video of it to give to the church, but I certainly want my kids to see it.
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