There had to be something wrong with my brain. I'd suffered a head injury six years ago, maybe it was the cause. Looking back at what Andy had shown me in the library I knew I should have worked it out. All of the clues had been laid out for me. I had an enormous blind spot where Crystal was concerned, or I'd have known the newspaper piece was about her the instant I read it. They'd named Dan. I'd dismissed it as coincidence. They'd hurt Crystal. What should I do? What should I say? How could I make this right?
I became aware I was screaming. An animalistic, snarling roar erupting from my soul. Only fading when I ran out of breath. My car was parked at the side of a road. I didn't know where I was. It was becoming cold. Meaning I must have been there for some time. How had I got here? I couldn't remember the drive. I didn't do anger. I didn't do hate. Yet here they were I thought. As I sat there, the full moon came out from behind the clouds. Illuminating the snow covered surroundings. I could see for miles. Beauty from horizon to horizon. All I could feel was the desolation inside.
It was over. In the past. She'd moved on. Had she moved on? Or was the memory hanging over here? It would explain those brief bouts of melancholy. It would explain her wish to care for all those abused children. Why me then? Where did I fit in to the puzzle? She'd gone against everything she'd been intent on doing to fit me into her life. Made a space there. Fitting me perfectly. I was a disgustingly vile piece of shit. Yet this paragon had allowed me to be blessed by her company. It was six years now. Our anniversary dinner was in a week or so.
I started the engine. Waited for the heating to warm me. Hoping it would remove the ice from inside me. No. This was private. Wait. What had I been thinking about then? That was it. The red line. The one I could never cross without invitation. She hadn't given me permission to pry into her past. Though I wished it otherwise, this was none of my business. The knowledge I'd discovered had to be buried deep within me. Ignored from this point onwards. The only alternative being me descending into insanity. A sudden fear gripped me. An old friend I'd lost in the mountains, when my parents died, was back. I needed to know she was safe. I was already speeding down the road when it hit me. I didn't know if I was heading in the right direction. I'd set off without thought.
The car didn't have GPS, my phone did. I broke several laws finding out my position. Half a mile ahead there was a turning which would take me back home. Back where my heart was. In the wonderful form of Crystal. As it happened I was only half an hour away. Relief flooded my body when I spotted her truck in the small drive. I parked on the street. heading inside. Still with that vague sense of unease I stepped inside. She was in her pajamas, feet up on the sofa, Reading a book. When she looked up at me she smiled and the worries throbbing inside my brain vanished.
"Are you okay?" She asked. "Only it's almost midnight."
"Yeah I'm fine. I needed a drive."
Brain still not in gear, I slumped into a high backed armchair. She was studying me intently. Her face emotionless.
"Is something bothering you? You look... unhappy?"
I covered my face with both hands, scrubbing it. Hiding it. What lie could I tell her, when I never wanted to lie to her. I couldn't.
"I've got a lot on my mind." I spoke through my hands.
It would alter the sound of my voice and disguise any tell. I hoped it would at least.
"Would you like me to make you a hot malted milk? It'll help you sleep."
"I think it's my turn to get the drinks isn't it."
"No problemo. You can cook dinner tomorrow."
I nodded. She rose, heading into the kitchen.
"Or I could order take out?"
I needed to lighten the mood. Her back was to me.
"That sounds good. There's a new Thai place just opened. It's getting good reviews. Unless you'd rather have something else. You're buying so it's your choice."
"Thai sounds good.... Crystal?"
"Yeah."
"I love you."
My imagination was going wild. I could have sworn she paused there for a moment.
"I know you do."
Oh. That was right. She'd never said that word about me. I'd accepted the fact I was unloved early on in our relationship. Crystal never said anything she didn't believe. Move on now, before the self pity engulfs you.
"You're quite tall aren't you. How tall are you?"
Wow, where did that come from? Not out of the top drawer, that was for sure. Somewhere at the back of the bottom one.
"Says 5 foot eight on my driving license."
An opening to retrieve this. Lighten the mood further with any luck.
"It says you're 25 and that's not true."
"So you think I lied about my height now?"
It brought a smile to my face. I chuckled. There I was struggling to bring a bit of humor out and she'd trumped me, the ace of spades slapped down on my two.
"I wouldn't put it past you if it was between you and where you needed to get to."
I bought her a present for our 6th anniversary. According to Google it had to be either sugar or iron. She didn't have a sweet tooth, not that I knew of at least. So I chose a new hunting knife. The tip had been broken off hers, then ground back on, to the point where it was an inch shorter. From the way she looked at me I think she knew it was expensive. It was a hundred dollars well spent. Crystal seemed undecided as to whether to scold me or accept it with good grace. We didn't do presents after all. She settled on a neutral response. Looking vaguely disturbed by my act
"I haven't got anything to give you."
"You gave me a home. In comparison to that, a knife isn't a whole lot."
At the beginning of June I graduated cum laude that June. Tying in first place with Heather. I could see Crystal in the audience clapping and cheering like crazy. Proud she'd had a hand in molding both of us. I gave Heather a hug on stage, where she quietly cursed me. She'd been sure she'd get the sympathy vote and pip me. Only my disability was far worse than hers. While we were up there I asked her to be my date for the prom in a couple of weeks. Late to the party as always, she informed me she already had a date. Heather was looking forward to being fingered in the back of a limo. God bless her filthy mind. This left me in a bind. Unless I didn't attend. I wasn't too bothered about going, but it would be my last chance to see some of my classmates. It was my cunning rival who supplied the solution. I should invite Crystal.
At first I thought she was joking. Then, as I mulled it over, I knew it couldn't be anyone else. I had no girlfriend and there were no spares available. Except a few unsuitable candidates who'd probably refuse to accompany me unless there was alcohol available. I suppose I could have paid them enough to bring their own, but I wasn't going to.
Now I had to set a trap for my prospective date. Getting Crystal to go to community college had been hard enough. There was no way she'd do this except under some duress. Only mild duress. It wasn't really a lie. It was a subterfuge. I'd done something similar when I'd chosen a recently accredited college. I'd had offers which included full scholarships. New Morten had been around for 4 years, but it was only 25 miles away. Meaning I could still live at home. Andy had gotten in for pre-law. His father visited as a lecturer there and despite being new it was already building a good reputation. All I wanted to do was keep living with Ms Goodbody as long as possible, if I'm honest. I couldn't have cared less about their courses or reputation. I was going to attempt to complete a four year degree course in three years. Getting her to accept this had shown it was possible for me to reason with Crystal.
I laid it all out for her. After she'd insisted I should attend my senior prom. That was the first trap. Then I had to list my options for a date. There were none. Finally I pretended to be perplexed. Before having the wonderful idea of taking her pop into my head. There was no way I could go unless I went with her. There was still a lot of back and forth. For three days she kept bringing up possible girls. I'd researched all those I could and had a list of objections and deal breakers as long as my arm. I wore her down until she reluctantly agreed she was the only option I had. Even then she had a long litany of her own objections. Age cropped up a lot. There were people there bringing their mothers I told her.
The arrangements were made. A dress was purchased, with some help from Heather among others. My tux was hired. All of the ducks had been lined up. I was happy. She was skittish. I think acceptance of her fate only sank in a few days before the prom. It should have been the highlight of my life so far. I was immensely proud of my legal guardian. I wanted to show her off. It didn't work out that way. Life intruded. Exceptional circumstances intervened. An unstoppable chain of events had been set in motion, unknown to the two of us.