I used to write down jokes years ago when I did stand up. Coincidentally enough, I was just going through some of them through my old Facebook posts.
I can't make gay jokes 'cause I'm straight, I can't make black jokes 'cause I'm white and I can't make fat jokes 'cause I'm thin, but I can make Jew jokes 'cause I'm an asshole.
"L'Oreal: Because you're worth it" - honest advertising for once, since the last I checked, that stuff was like two bucks a bottle
Man, you should have seen those chicks last night, I was like a God to them! They were all atheist.
When I run for parliament, I'll campaign against drunken hecklers and my slogan will be "Give shut the fuck up a chance!"
My girlfriend is not exactly a supermodel. She's just a regular model.
On April 21st 2011, SkyNet became self aware. The people of Finland, however, did not.
I'm currently in an open, polyamorous relationship. My girlfriend is not.
I've heard that 70% of women's orgasms are fake. All of my orgasms are hand made.
All in all, stand up comedy is a lot like my sex life: a six minute long joke, followed by an awkward silence, which more often than not is a one man show.
Hahaha, thanks for sharing! :-D
Stand up means stand up comedy? That´s pretty cool!
I love listening to jokes, while I am incredibly bad in remembering and repeating them. But there is one (only one) I have memorized well (I actually don´t know why). It´s not even a good one, haha :-)) My family dies when we are sitting around the table and I say 'Oh I also know a joke to tell!!!' Then they are like: 'Oh please not again the one with the numbers......' But since they are not listening right now.... here we go :-)
An '8' and a '0' walk into the desert. After a while they are sweating like hell and the '0' says to the '8': 'I have no idea how you can even wear a belt walking through this heat!'