[Below is a scribbling of my feelings unedited that I let go when I was in agonising mental pain- Having risked actual money for the first time I did not know how to handle these feelings so I jot down whatever came up.]
The weight of it is too heavy. I dream and visualise in my sleep, I analyse and forecast when I’m awake. My mind is clogged, like a clogged sewer pipe with unwanted garbage, it just doesn’t flow. No room for fresh thoughts, no room for calculated response. I've forgotten emotions. I've become a human-robot who has been programmed to ‘enact’ emotions. When others talk, I simply hum and nod. Do I sell? Do I buy? What if it pumps back again after I sell? Having a sense of time is a relic of a time gone by. Hours pass by looking and hearing to them but not necessarily listening. While they talk, I worry, forecast and visualise. I’m not in the present. I’m not in future nor in the past, I'm imploding. A swirl of thoughts just swirling down, repeating itself. I feel useless and miserable. This has to stop I say, yet I can’t get my eyes off the numbers - the pesky candles - the percentages - the order books - just can’t get enough. I know its bad, I’m well aware, but I just can’t stop. “I HAVE TO EARN BACK MY LOSSES “ I scream. Desperate to win it back one day but that day doesn’t seem to come even remotely close. Yet, every night I hope once I get up and look at those numbers it would bring happiness in my life but every time I woke up, it brought sadness.
Maybe its because bearing a loss Is heavier than embracing the profit. The weight is just too heavy, I need help. I need to flourish, flush and flow my creative thoughts once again. I have to! So I open Evernote and start writing. Writing stories about people and relationships that I love. And I begin, And here I am trapped again, not only staring and glaring at those charts, numbers but also writing about it. Am I addicted? Nah, I’m paranoid!
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