Everything About Myself (Dysfunctional Diabolika's Diary)

diabolika (70)in #travel • 7 years ago (edited)

Here's a vulgar display of poverty. From now on, I cannot promise that this is not all about myself since our lovely community here is leaning towards a corporate capitalist vision. I could go on and maximize ROI, but you know, poor people like to help those in need too. I realized that I might as well just use this platform to collect endless rants about everything dysfunctional about myself and the world. If anyone has a deep-seated problem with my selfishness, then go ask what have you done for yourself so far? Even helping other people is about yourself, having a boyfriend is about yourself, marrying your wife is about yourself, talking to other people is about yourself, what you are reading right now is still about yourself - everything is about ourselves.

When I was traveling in Vietnam, someone caught a glimpse of my laptop in my bag, then it was snatched from me during broad daylight. I was dealing with someone in the market and the man took the opportunity, of course, it was my fault. I screamed at him as he slowly rode his motorbike through the crowd while the local people around me were just dumbfounded and nothing more. As if it is not every day they don't witness this scene. I didn't expect the bystanders and the police to help me so I just cried and considered it as an act of generosity on my part. It was hard to lose something you worked hard for, but that's life. A helpful friend sent me a new laptop so I could continue working while I travel. 3 years later, I woke up on a night bus in Ecuador and someone conveniently stole my laptop while I was sleeping. Another helpful friend sent me a new laptop so I could continue working while I travel. You see, poor people are just naturally generous. I kind of just convinced myself that someone might need those things more than I do, they just didn't properly ask permission from me, because chances are, I wouldn't really give my things to these poorer people. I'm grateful that I have generous friends who helped me because I would not be able to do everything in life all by myself.

That just explains my stuff right there. In reality, I could barely pay the rent and food, but after a couple of months of bumming around exotic parts of this world, I'm used to uncertainties by now. A free place to crash (parent's house), access to wealth or loan (parent's), government social welfare or big banks (country) and a job that pays well (corporations) - these are just the things that I don't have. Simply, what others have and should be grateful about. And for that, I'm thankful as well, because gratitude could be a burden and hard work is a pleasure.

I must admit that pain and the danger of insecurity are giving me this indescribable satisfaction, probably just some masochistic side of me. There's also this utmost pleasure that comes with pursuing the achievement of something that really matters because the danger is still there - the possibility of loss. The risk of not being able to get it and dealing with nothing in the end. Like a man who pursues this elusive girl, he would move the mountains to get her. The danger of losing her is there but when he finally conquers her, he would value this girl more than anything else in the world. It is just like when he was still a boy, he valued his toy that he saved his money for more than those fancy ones his parents gave him. It's just this whole hunting game.

I'm taking advantage of my adhd, ocd or something - whatever you want to call it. This ability to hyperfocus on something for hours, which explains my writing. I wake up at 11:30 am and prepare some fluffy scrambled eggs and a shitty cup of coffee, then I could write for 2-3 hours without blinking, depriving my cat of attention and affection for just a few hours. I don't know if a man could live with lack of attention and affection from me for a few hours, just a few hours. Then after writing, I could also work on my website for 6 hours or more without having lunch. I don't know, I'm just like that I guess. Someone has to stop me from stopping. In my dumb opinion, my life has a lot of interesting bits and writable parts that might not be so comfortable for others to read. Probably some people could not relate as there's a huge disparity in many levels.

On the other hand, it's funny that I'm not trained to concentrate on more important skills such as confidently walking in a big city without getting lost, biking continuously, and driving around. I tried these things which almost ended my life in an accident. Not to mention my clumsiness and forgetfulness. This explains why I'm afraid to be with someone these days, some people just find joy in emphasizing my weaknesses again and again. I don't think someone could accept this dysfunctional part of me. When I was traveling, a German guy ridiculed me because he said poor people don't know to do those basic things. It's probably because he's German and he has a posh backyard, a nice German car and loving parents who bought him fancy toys when he was a kid. Not to mention, he was also well-fed. I've met typical assholes like this in my travels, like a lot. Sure they are everywhere - whatever you say. I was blamed for my insecurity when in fact, it's their own insecurity being projected to me. They feel high by making someone feel low - just like in sex. Not that I don't like being submissive in sex, but I just become a convenient receiver of all their tragedies. I don't even know if they have ever felt how it is to be ridiculed regularly due to their background. I'm seething and blaming myself for even giving a chance to open myself to these people. This is just my shameless admission of my hatred against these groups, constantly hidden in my words, like a venom that has broken into my body. Slowly spreading, slowly killing me. I would like to freely be politically incorrect and I'm not ashamed of what I think about other people anymore. Just as they are not ashamed to flaunt their privileges and inflict suffering on other people. I'd rather live in a world with a majority of bad people and some friendly ones however you want to convince me that it is the other way around. I simply do not accept to be blind to reality or to the harsh truth of human nature.

Mind you, it's not all that bad. I've met a boy and oh boy, he was nice. Like I said there are loving souls everywhere in this world. It was just that time, my selfishness had taken its toll, leading me to embark on a great escape. Escape from the loving arms of a man to be welcomed into the loving arms of the world. Well, I found out that the world is harsh so I've learned my lesson...I appreciate kind people now. In the end, I also become a monster warrior, well-trained to inflict pain as well, prepared to attack when the war comes. I fully-equipped myself with knowledge as my armor and language as my weapon. Underneath it all, diabolika is still a human being, capable of loving, hurting and suffering, at least, this is what I have been convincing myself. Welcome to my world.

#life #philosophy #love #writing

7 years ago in #travel by diabolika (70)

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tarotbyfergus (70) 7 years ago

Sometimes I wonder if you have eyes or if you are an Ifrit, and they are two flames behind those glasses!
Also, I hope you find and accept the love that is looking for you.