At this time I am in my aunt's home lonely, all her family come out to work. The whole house is so quiet only leaving the ticking of clock.
Suddenly my aunt gave me a call that she would like to buy me a pair of sandals, letting me choose from the different sandal styles online, I felt so moved.
The token of love! Thanks to my aunt for sending me the beautiful sandals!
Being taken in her house's balcony! Taiyuan city, Shan Xi province!
She invited me to play for a few days in Tai Yuan city after she heard of my miserable experience, I know she wants to send me some warmth and love since I lost my American husband. She really felt very regretted about my husband's death in China.
My wedding was hold in my aunt's friend's house -- our hometown. So my American husband's group photos with her friend still remain in his home, being cherished by him deeply. My aunt exclaimed that my husband's photo looked so handsome, so high and so white. (Of course, he was white, white American--the mixed blood of Scotland and Italy.)
Somehow, I think of my American husband's son. I don't understand why he broke his promise to me after I lost my dearest American husband/his father! Why did he stab a knife into my heart at my most painful and darkest moment so cruelly?
I don't know why! Maybe the only explanation is: The more he loves his father, the more he hates me! In his mind, I am an evil and greedy woman who caused his father's death in China. Alas, if he is stung by his conscience someday, he will know that he shouldn't have treated me so mercilessly!
Here I want to tell my American husband's son about my family story! I wish he can read it carefully, because I wrote it with all my heart!
My aunt is my mother's youngest sister. She lost her own father when she was only 5 years old, later my grandmother died, too. She just became parentless. My mother has been married at that time, so my aunt lived with our family until she married and followed her husband to move to Tai Yuan city.
Once a time there was an intense conflict between my mother and my aunt due to the inheritance of property left by my grandparents. I believe that there is an unhappy story in every family. It is really a very bad memory in my life! I witnessed how heartbroken my mother was, being hurt by her own younger sister to whom she poured all her love and sympathy after my grandparents both passed away.
But decade years later my aunt realized how my mother helped her so much when she became an orphan girl: My mother spent money in letting her learn dressmaker. It is just by means of her excellent sewing skill that she married a husband from a family of a capital city successfully, then getting her urban citizenship. Oh, if you know how expensive the house in Chinese big city is! It is really a great bless for my aunt to have a family(house) in the capital city--Tai Yuan city, Shan Xi province, I still remember vividly when I was young -- a girl in my 10's, how I checked my aunt's jewelry box excitedly, trying her beautiful earrings in secret matching my beloved silky red skirt when she returned our countryside home from Tai Yuan. I forget if I finally owned that pair of earrings. I always wore the clothes in new-style made by my mother or my aunt. Before my aunt married and moved to city, my mother and my aunt were the famous tailors in our small town! Their cooperation were very perfect. My mother is good at designing the new style, my aunt is good at sewing clothes. The sisters are famous for their embroidery, too. They made and sold pillow covers with their own embroidery, It is a golden memory in my childhood.
Oh, if only you know our Chinese society system! We have the special household registration system--Chinese people are divided into 2 main classes according to their family background-- rural Chinese and urban Chinese! There is a huge gap between countryside and city! In big Chinese city, people can be as wealthy as American people, but in countryside, people can be as poor as African people!
My American husband/your father drew his wrong conclusion from the fact that Chinese government holds a big amount of United State public bond. I never cheated him on purpose like your mother blamed me. We once talked about "Treasury securities" ! Your father said that US government had owed a lot of money to Chinese government, it is he himself who mistook China as a wealthy country. I was also puzzled about the so-called "United State public debt". Until a few days ago, I attended a free PMI financial training course online from an outstanding financial expert in Shanghai, this riddle which confused your father and I was at last unriddled by chance! I got my answer about how "Treasury Security" works.
Just as your brother Damien said to me that US is better than China forever. Yeah, it is absolutely true. The whole financial world is a pyramid with FED (the Federal Reserve) at the top. The more Chinese government holds "Treasury Securities", the more wealthy US is.
The truth is that the house in 4 biggest cities of China such as Beijing, Shanghai, etc. is even more expensive than American house, then the house in the capital city... while most of common Chinese people are so poor, especially Chinese countryside people--amazing poverty--such kind of poverty American people like your father can't imagine. And me, just from Chinese countryside.
Since your father's Chinese school is wealthy, so at first he really had no idea about the truth of Chinese society so that he told me that it was not so easy to earn money in US like I imagined. All of his Chinese school students are from wealthy family of capital city. It is an English training school especially for those wealthy Chinese students who prepare to study overseas.
Now my aunt's daughter unexpectedly married a husband who studied in the college of Australia. My aunt said that he also attended an English training school in Beijing for 1 year before he went to Australia, and his family spent at least 1 million of Chinese yuan on his Australian college fee. God, 1 million of Chinese yuan! (1 dollar is equal to 6.5 Chinese yuan) it is just about 150,000 dollar, like an astronomical figure for common Chinese family. Even if common American family also can't afford it at a stroke.
I "hate" my American husband/your father told me about his American family's wealth, which only caused me self-abased, my family's house is in countryside, too broken and shabby. It is just the reason why I didn't let him come back to my family's house during the Spring Festival. The house is cold like an icy cellar in winter! I know he would fail to suffer it. It turns out that he even failed to suffer the living condition of city in China if without my company. As result, he died a heart attack miserably and lonely. I was just thrown into the hell with his passing. I really wanted to end up my life.
Your father told me that your grandparents' house in New York was as big as a castle. I couldn't wait to visit it. It is the reason why I made a fatal mistake--applying for American tourist visa, being denied! We both didn't realize that American visa policy was so strict and specific. I should ask your father to help me fill in the application form of American spouse visa, then after half a year, I will be noticed to take the interview by American embassy in Guangzhou, instead of American embassy in Beijing.
Who knows your father couldn't return to US alive forever? Who can imagine that there's such kind of marriage in our present world? Even if my American husband has paid the price of his life, I still can't be allowed to visit his country.
Your father once said to me excitedly that he finally realized his Chinese dream after waiting of 40 years. He had a Chinese dream for 40 years, So silly, OK? It is all because that he only immersed himself into a world weaved by beautiful ancient Chinese culture and art, ignoring the rigid hierachy of Chinese society. My aunt frankly admitted that her daughter--my younger cousin sister really married into a high-status family, her family's status and wealth is so low compared to her relatives by marriage. In China, as usual, the families of the bride and bridegroom should be of equal position in the social scale.
Undeniably, the reason why I desired to marry my American husband/your father is because I wanted to change my fate. I dream to teach Chinese and beautiful ancient Chinese poems in US. I think it is just my secret weapon-- ancient Chinese poems describing the beautiful natural landscape that captivated your father in a way. He loved the nature and Chinese Taoism, so he sent me an English name Gina: "the daughter of nature". I clearly know that once I marry an American, I can be like my aunt who married a husband from urban family to give full play to her sewing talent. If you have seen the scene of my aunt's sewing clothes by hand, you'll be reminded of a Chinese idiom: 飞针走线 the needle seems to fly and the thread seems to run. However, Chinese countryside is too poor, no matter how great your sewing skill is, you have no way to earn good money.
I won! God really allows me to realize my craziest dream this life, even beyond my craziest dream -- I really married a white American scholar with good American college diploma who I love and worship with my whole soul and life. Pitifully I failed again completely due to my foolishness and ignorance. I did a very wrong choice. I should have given up my job in time, however, I have worked at that job for so many years, I didn't want to lose my retirement pension before I got American visa. Of course, there're other causes, too... All in all, I am not like my aunt. When she married, she was in her 20's, very young. When I finally married, I have been so old, I have worked for nearly 15 years, my single life is too long, too long. To some extent, I just married myself off to that job which I really hate but allows me to be an financial independent woman. But now I am described as an evil and greedy woman only for money by your American family. I'd rather that I married your father only for money, thus I can't lose my respected American husband, since he was my meal ticket, I must accompany and take care of him very well all along. You should know your father's financial situation, he could pay his last penny to satisfy his kids'-- you and your siblings' material demand.
What's worse, I never thought that I was tortured and frightened to be ill for our complicated cross-country marriage registration and my husband's Chinese marriage visa! I need to recover myself! Chinese visa policy is also very troublesome since I really didn't know how to do at that time. Nobody helped me, I groped my way, running my head into stone walls everywhere, scars and wounds strung together like beads. I suffered so much, my American husband/your father was utterly ignorant, just like I was utterly ignorant about his poor healthy situation. Before he passed away, he told me that he felt not well, wanting me to come with him, but I was extremely sad for my failing to get American tourist visa. I didn't know the reason why I couldn't get my American tourist visa, since I have been the legal wife of American citizen. My younger sister even burst into tears on the spot, after our being denied in American embassy. I told your father that I really couldn't go to US with him together in a state of guilt and he just returned to US alone. I felt that I was so useless and I disappointed my American husband. Your father insisted that we should return to US together. I mistakenly thought that maybe it was because my English is not good enough, so I should try my best to continue to learn English, in order to pass my American visa interview later smoothly. God knows how I have learned English by myself for more than 20 years! When I was studing English so hard for American visa, who knows my beloved American husband/your dear father had been ill so seriously? He couldn't speak Chinese in China, who could really help and take care of him when I was not on his side? I am wrong! I am wrong! I am wrong!
Too unlucky! If at first my aunt told my mother that her daughter's husband just returned from Australia, how could I miss my cousin sister's wedding? We married in the same year--2014, at that time my younger cousin sister especially called me: make sure to come to Tai Yuan and attend her wedding with my American husband, I refused with the excuse of the long distance stupidly.
Until now, I begin to know the fact that my cousin's husband has lived in Australia for 5 years, having enough experience about how to go abroad and deal with visa. He is just an expert on visa. Pitifully everything is too late.
I was intending to visit my American husband and start our real happy marriage life in China, maybe being a mother, since I decided to give up the efforts of getting American visa for the time being. I figured it out, I felt that there would be enough time to do it later, no need to rush. Like a bolt from the blue, God took your father -- that American man I have waited for the whole 5 years online. My whole world collapsed! All my past efforts became zero all of sudden, my dream to go to US is also broken into pieces. I am still that poor person in the bottom of Chinese society. My attempt of climbing the slippery ladder of social class is a total failure! a total failure!
Just as you said, I get nothing! But God knows it is not my fault, it is all due to ignorance -- my ignorance and your father's ignorance -- Our common ignorance on visa policy between China and US!
God also knows the love between us is very pure and true!
You American family blamed me, even slandering that I married your father only for money and American visa. No, I only want to get a chance to change my fate like my aunt. After my aunt followed her husband to move into the capital city, she gives full play to her sewing talent, she earns good money by herself, many times she earns more money than her husband. It is my aunt who helps support the whole family.
Now my younger cousin sister married such an excellent husband in upper class, I am really so happy and proud of my aunt!
Although her daughter's husband refuses to help me contact you, (Maybe what he said is true. He shouldn't and can't take part in western people's private thing. Otherwise he can be charged as "an invasion of privacy", Maybe it is really western people's culture and work style.） he respects my aunt so much, he calls her as Mama intimately.
Please allow me to explain the Chinese marriage custom in details to you!
My aunt's daughter's husband sent a "red envelop" to each close relative of my aunt in his wedding when he came to our countryside town. (My mother said that she felt so happy to get his "red envelop" of 500 Chinese yuan. At that time I was in Nanchang with your father, losing chance to meet him in reality, again) And when I married your father in China, my aunt send my mother 1,000 yuan of as my wedding "red envelop"/gift. Of course, my father also sent a wedding "red envelop" to my cousin.
But nobody from your father's American family sent me any gift except one of his American friend's wife sent me a pair of rings. I felt unhappy, I painfully thought that my American husband's family didn't love me, refusing to recognize me since I was poor and humble. So when your father passed away in China suddenly, my first response is that your American family should deal with his funeral, instead of me. I claimed to give up the title of his wife in order to reduce the legal trouble and help your American family deal with his funeral in China.
My wedding ring--the only symbol of love between my late American husband and I. He sent me a pair of wedding rings. The ring I sent him has been cremated with his remains! He wore it till he passed away!
I miss my late American husband crazily. I took this photo with his wedding ring in my aunt's home. May he knows he is loved deeply!
You see, China is a male-dominated country, all the wedding fee should be paid by husband's family like my aunt's daughter's husband did. So at that time my father also felt unhappy since your father didn't know to pay any money to him according to Chinese marriage customs.
Later, Amanda (your father's best friend) told me that in US it is wife's family that should pay the wedding fee. My God, too shocking! If only I knew American marriage customs earlier! If only I knew! I should take the initiative to show love to my American husband's family, OK?
Now when my aunt sends me love by buying me sandal shoes, do you know what I am thinking? Oh, If I can, I really would like to send you love by buying some Chinese speciality in Tai Yuan city. Now I have learned the horrible difference on marriage customs between China and US.
I never thought it can be regarded as a kind of "invasion of privacy" if I asked my aunt's daughter's husband to lend a hand in my issue with my American husband's son. My aunt and I were both shocked by his very serious speech last night. In his opinion, all western people are made of cold steel. Their family is very cold, too.
However, I don't think so, I know how your father loved his kids, he would like to do anything for them. When he saw the beautiful clothes in China, his first thought was he bought them to his daughter/your sister, I really felt so envious!
I wish that we can take money out of my husband/your father's Chinese bank card, I'm really afraid that it can be confiscated by Chinese bank later. According to my younger cousin sister's husband, both parties (you as son, I as wife) have no way to take money out unless both sides sign together. The last result is Chinese bank gets the money of the deceased pursuant to Chinese bank law. It is really too bad, too bad! Yeah, I still remember vividly how your father and I signed the name together when we registered in marriage! The whole registration process of cross-country marriage is very serious.
I admit that your father and I also faced the different cultural conflict. Maybe sometimes he really complained me to your American family, because I once complained him to my Chinese family at that time, my father even felt a little surprised when I cried so strongly after your father's passing suddenly, nobody else knows how I love your father with my whole soul and life!
Only I know how I love and worship my husband -- a very pure and kindhearted American scholar who always loved to help people in needy. So I absolutely don't want to believe that his son is a heartless person made of cold steel, I absolutely can't!
How I wish someday we can hold a momerial service for your father between China and US to comfort him in heaven! I dream to have a momerial service for him someday, I dream his son can visit the land where he dedicated his life, I dream his Chinese students can come together to recall their common American teacher...
I try my best to explain Chinese marriage culture to you in order to clear the air, since nobody else can help me!
How I wish I have a splendid pen, helping me write a wonderful article in English! Unfortunately, I have not.
I have read the blogs your mother wrote about your father's death in secret. Her writing is so wonderful and moving, everytime I read her words, my heart aches as if a needle is piercing it. God, she still loves your father, she loves him all along. Although they may have personality difference, their major are both related to medicine, they are both experts in medicine, they have the common interests and topics in medicine field! I can't talk anything about medicine with your father, I also don't know how to care about his health. I also had no idea about the damage of chronic desease such as heart desease, diabetes and high blood pressure, when your father was alive. And your mother is really a great writer. I even keep one of her beautiful posts.
China is a country which pays attention to marriage very much, at the same time, China is a serious male-dominated country. Son has the high status in the family. Without son's signature, wife can't do anything after husband passes away.
When your American family asked me to deal with your father's funeral and your aunt and her husband even threatened to sue me if I didn't cooperate, I did all things just due to you according to Chinese customs, since you are his oldest son, I respect you and believe what you said.
Who knows you broke your promise to me? In your family, the leader is your mother.
I have asked you to offer your signature for 2 years, you refused to cooperate all along. I tried to solve it through the local Chinese court , it also didn't work.
Sometimes law is also impotent.
I want you to know: I chose to give up my struggle, I chose to cooperate with you--his beloved son, Only because I am always moved by your father's deep love to his kids, I chose to believe in love.
I didn't expect that my naiveness and my belief/philosophy of love blowed me fiercely. I want to cry out to the whole world: "I really hate my late American husband's son. He broke his promise to me ruthlessly after I had done all I should and could do in order to cooperate with him, but he didn't help me! I hate him!!!"
Strangely, many times I find I can't hate you. If I hate you, I just hate my American husband himself. In your body flows my American husband's blood, your existence proves that my American husband didn't disappear from this mortal world completely.
Your mother posted your photo and your father's photo together online, everyone can realize that you are the father and the son. My sister even said that your standing posture is exactly the same as your father.
I have no reason to hate you even if you hurt me too much. On the contrary, I want to make up for my mistake! your father's death in China is an endless pain for me! Sometimes I would rather believe that your father was only a dream in my life! I try to get rid of his memory, I can't!
He has been etched in my mind just like his blood still flows in your body.
I don't know if you have heard of "圆寂"? For most of American people, you believe in Christian, you believe that after "the last judgement", those dead people can be allowed into heaven by God. So I remember you once wrote to me that when we moved into the next life, we could meet your father again.
But I am not a Christian. Buddhism is popular in most of Asian countries including China. What is "圆寂"? According to Buddhism, it is said that the enlightened eminent monk always passes away with sitting cross legged. Your father passed away suddenly in China, his death position sitting on the ground reminded me of the Buddhist legend-- the death of the enlightened eminent monk!
I was so scared. How could I deal with his funeral lonely? How could I have the qualification to deal with the "enlightened eminent monk"--such kind of people are very sacred? If you believe in Buddhism, you can understand how I felt at that time! but you unexpectedly mistook me to hold your father's body for ransom. Am I a fool or am I mad? If I really love money too much, Why didn't I ask for money from your American family from the beginning?
I even didn't try to contact any member of your American family when your father was alive. I also let your father open his Chinese bank account with his own name, instead of my name. His Chinese school once adviced me to open my bank card for your father's salary account, I refused. I wanted to prove to your father/my husband that I really loved him!
If I love money too much, how can such kind of trouble happen? I can take money out of Chinese bank card of my name directly, even if I lost my bank card's password, it doesn't matter. The problem is it is your father's name, not mine.
Everyone has a heart! What kind of person I am! Your father knew it clearly. What kind of person your father was, you know it clearly. He wished to be a bridge between China and US, so he even offered his English class in China for free.
Pitifully all his wishes are ruined ruthlessly after he passed away suddenly in China. He desired to take me to visit US, Amanda told me that she and you were planning to visit China the next summer when your father was in Nanchang, who knows such a huge tragedy fell on all of us suddenly?
It is absolutely not the situation your father wanted to see. If you love your father, you should't treat me so heartlessly! According to the blogs of your mother, you should be the kid who loves your father most, you just hide your emotions and pain. Maybe you're trying to pretend to be a coldhearted person on purpose! When you punish yourself, you punish other people, too.
Do you know what your father's biggest wish is? Before he passed away, he once told me that he wished people could love and help each other, instead of hurting each other.
We all experienced so many misfortunes, we all lost the common person we love so much. God knows how I paid such a huge price for my ignorance! My world without your father is like a wasteland! I miss my dearest American teacher/husband each moment!
Now I have explained and restored the truth to you as possible I can, if you still feel that hurting an innocent and helpless Chinese woman who dealt with your father's funeral lonely in China makes you happy, you're hurting that man--that great man who gave you life, raised you and lived with you all along-- your dad/father, just like you wrote to me at that time! (You have no idea how I was moved by those words of your emails to me.)
In this world, nothing is easier to hurt people by taking advantage of their love and trust to you. Nothing is more anguished to be hurt by the people you love and trust. I have never seen a person who is desperate to be loved like your father, only for getting love and warmth, he left No.1-- the most wealthy and powerful country--US to go to China, like a flying moth darts in the fire.
He could descend himself to stay with me in the poor Chinese countryside, sleeping in a very small bed, sitting in the crowded train for 17 hours on end which I nearly failed to suffer;(many times I doubt if he really came from US.) he could treat the begger in the street friendly; he worked hard, dedicated his life to teaching Chinese students...There is only one reason--He desired to be loved or be needed by people!
However, till the end of his life, the people he loved and cherished most are still his once--happy American family -- his beloved kids! Pitifully nobody from his American family came to China, seeing him at the last time...
Now I have known about the visa policy between China and US in details, it is all due to my ignorance. American visa is not related with English. Even if I can't speak any English, I can get my American spouse visa smoothly if your father was still alive. At the same time, it is not difficult for your American family to get Chinese visa . China is not a country as evil as you imagine, US is also not a country as unreasonable as I imagine. I sincerely wish we can cope with things adequately.
Ignorance is the biggest enemy. Hate can't bring us any happiness. Your father's miserable death in China teaches me to learn what is most important in our life! If God can give me the second chance, I'll choose to stay with my American husband, cooking for him and looking after his health, etc. Comparing to money, title, fame and American visa, he himself is most precious!
Just as the late First Lady of United States Barbara said:
The third choice that must not be missed is to cherish your human connections: your relationship with your family and friends.For several years, you've had impressed upon you the importance to your career of dedication and hard work, and of course, that's true. But as important as your obligations as a doctor, a lawyer or business leader will be, you are a human being first and those human connections--with spouses, with children, with friends--are the most important investment you will ever make.
At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend or a parent.
Please forgive me! Everyone can be ignorant, Everyone can make a mistake. When you forgive others, you also forgive yourself!
Your father has left all of us forever. However, his love to China and me is always there! When you said that you had done with China and me, my heart was bleeding.
It's all due to my foolishness, facing the sudden death of your father in China, I was stupified. I cried, I didn't know how to do, nobody around me could offer me any help. Now my aunt said that I was really too silly, at that time I should manage to report to Chinese embassy in US, letting them inform you American family and issue Chinese visa to you, then we could deal with your father's funeral in China together. (The process your father got Chinese marriage visa is like this. When we registered in marriage in Zhengzhou --the capital city of Henan province, a Chinese girl was registering marriage with an Australian, too. So we got the marriage certificates at the same day. She told me that we'd better go to HK for applying for our husbands' Chinese marriage visa, she left me a visiting card of a Chinese visa agency in HK, then her Australian husband and she flied to Guangzhou city by plane the same evening, since they both worked in Guangzhou. I have told you that Chinese people in big cities are rather wealthy. But due to Chinese household registration system, that Chinese girl must register marriage in her household registration place, we both belong to Henan province.
The information offered by her is of high value to us. At first, your father insisted in trying to apply for his Chinese marriage visa in my household registration place, after I submitted a lot of files, as result, they only issued a Chinese visa for 1 month. I was Really tormented and threatened by those bloody Chinese local government clerks to Mad. I even complaint your father in my heart. I suffered lonely, being sick, but your father didn't know how I suffered since he didn't follow what those Chinese officials said.
At last, your father realized that we must go to HK. Once we arrived in HK, he immediately became my guide, talking with the clerks in the hotel and visa agency in HK freely. It seems that a lot of HK people can speak English. After he filled in the Chinese marriage visa form and offered our marriage certificate as well as my signature, very easily and quickly, he got his Chinese marriage visa for 2 years.
So I feel I needn't accompany him alI along, after solving his Chinese visa, I was finally relieved. It was the time for me to prepare for my American visa. I forget the whole situation in Chinese mainland is different from HK. Language is a huge barrier, it is just the reason why your father dedicated his life in China, he would like to help more Chinese students learn English, he was really too tired...too tired...
When your father passed away in China suddenly, your brother Damien wished that your father's school issued an invitation letter, helping him get Chinese visa. Pitifully the Chinese school refused to do it cruelly, since it is a private school, they didn't want to cause trouble, please understand the special Chinese political system! but they really have planned to pay an amount of death compensation if you American family came to China.
Now I realize that you American family must be ignorant about how to get Chinese visa. Maybe for my part, I feel that it is rather easy for you American citizen to get Chinese tourist visa, but it seems that you American family really didn't know how to do like me, too.
So please stop hating China and me. It is really due to ignorance. The Chinese school, your American family and I all failed to communicate and understand each other well.
I sincerely ask for your forgiveness and understanding. The love between your father and I is so true, so deep, so strong...
Long live the understanding!
Justice and the truth will last forever!
You have a minor misspelling in the following sentence:
It should be surprised instead of suprised.Thank you. I have revised it!
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Thank, good job