Punkin bread and pies š
Yesterday was a great day. It was also very hard. Emotional for me. I donāt do emotions well. So i am one of these people who holds it inside. The reasoning in this is that I feel deeply. I eighter like it, donāt like it or it has no meaning to me. 3 things thatās it.
I am so greatful for all of my life. What I have. Who I know. Sure there are things I could have done differently. Done a better job at. But basically I am very happy and content. Greatful with no regrets.
So when on 10/02/18 I was informed that I had an advanced stage of an incurable cancer with weeks to live reality sets in. You question your life. Thinks you have done. Things you havenāt done, so called bucket list. What happens to the people you leave behind. With many many more things. All around the holidays to. What timing.
I guess it all boils down to who one is. What they stand for. Not the material things like money, wealth. Itās not the big things people do, itās the little things. Like helping a little old lady šµ put her groceries in her car because her husband pasted and now she doing it herself. A small thing that means so much.
Trivia by wolfhart
If you take care of the small things the big things will take care of themself
I am good with who I am. Thereās is no one I have to make amends too. Sure I wish I could do more. Give more but I just donāt have it to give. I wish I could have gone to steemfest. I wanted to go. But there are other things the have priority. It would have been nice to see face to face with the people here. Next one is my plan.
One thing for sure is that I have a lot of time on my hands. Canāt do much but š¤ think. And not to coherent at that.
Donāt think this is a pleasent road. It hurts. Physical and mentally. Physically I like to get out of this body. It hurts. Canāt sleep, eat, walk or anything. I š hurt. So what you do is put your big boy š pants on. And be a man.
Yea I broke down yesterday it was a hard day. A great day. A day that I gave thanks š. A day of life.
I am glad many share this day. Not the holiday but the theme of it.
Well I said that I would give you some tests results. I could not get the cat scan loaded but here is one of the blood tests.
Blood tests September
Bilirubin indicates cancer and mine is 2.4 which is very high
The other two highlighted tests is a liver indicating function. Liver stopped working
I will get more tests as I can for two reasons
Record and explanation
Trust
Trust is very important. More so on social media. To many times truths are stretched for personnel gain. Or made up.most people are happy to help and give here and are taken advantage of with their giving sprite. This is important to me. And it needs to be my story no matter how it turns out. So no bull shit.
So look at the tests ask people you know and tell me I have a good shot at a long life. š¤£
I will post my new result when I get it on Tuesday . Current blood test
I have been writing this post for the past 3 hours. I did doze off once or twice I donāt remember.
Well I have to call this and just sit. The chemo week is tough and I understand why people donāt do it or go to alt meds.
Did I tell you that they are setting me up with terminal illness patients care. They sure do like telling you that you are terminally ill all the time. I do not consider myself terminally ill. Maybe I just donāt want to hear it all the time. After all I am here.
Ok I have to stop for a while rambling here.
Wolfhart
You know I have lost people but still news like this just breaks me down a bit. I don't get it sometimes how people so strong are always tested. Why a kind hand that reached out to me has to face this. I am in awe of you a lot of the time man. To be happy with who you are and what you have done is said easy by many but is not easy at all. I know you will take this on like you do other things and that gives you a better chance than many out there. Thanks for being so open oh and the bread looks good man.
I hope that it might help someone else. I donāt know how or when but I hope it does.
You hear about these things second hand. Maybe first hand might help.
I am ok š
One thing I have always known is that. ....shit happens.......
Thanks for the pumpkin bread and pies pictures @wolfhart, in your situation you still know how to entertain others, I know that those foods also about love of the family you have and no matter what, you're still there with them. I'm worried about that "high high" but I still believe that you can't go low-low .. with all the love in the world you knew, hope that next test would show a different positive result.
It was bad. Real bad
Pet scan is going to tell all. I think we will get it to go into remission. š¤
Then the next challenge
We will do one challenge at a time. Hence the one day at a time saying.
I was going to comment on the pumpkin bread and pies but everything else you wrote was so meaningful that they moved down the list.
I don't know why you say you don't 'do' emotions well. Maybe that was true but that's not what I am seeing now. You write about them beautifully, so that must come from somewhere. From a place of emotion?
When I hear you say that people seem to like saying "terminally ill" it makes me so mad. Maybe they think that's "facing reality" but you know what, I don't think it is. If those words don't resonate within you, if you don't feel that they are true, then I would trust that more than what anyone says.
This might sound silly, but I use a C-D-E energy thing when I hear, think, or say something really negative.
C is for Cancel
D is for Delete
E is for Erase
And I say them three times each because three times is magic!
Like I said, maybe silly, maybe superstition, but it's something I use as a defense against negative stuff. More than a defense, an energy shift to stop it in its tracks.
Be fierce! Be strong! And napping is really good!
I find negative things funny. Weird sense of humor I guess. So it doesnāt have any effect.
I also donāt believe in rolling over for anything. Giving up. Been behind the 8 ball many times. Work through it and it works out.
Things are not free and takes time with hard work to achieve. I am here for the long hall to hell with the rest.
That's a pretty great, if weird, sense of humor! A lot of people let negative or critical comments beat them down. Sounds like it works in the reverse way for you!
I have always formed my own opinions. Negative or critical comments serve to sway ones opinion.
Fake news šš¤£š
WoW, that went straight to My hart and Made My eyes wet , you put it in writing so that everybody knows what this disease is All about, how the world willevolve around you while you are fighting the battle of a lifetime. I am with you in thoughts I hope All ends well but I know I have to follow your realistic view but Nevertheless look forward BECAUSE MIRACLES DO HAPPEN !
Big hug from me on a cold Sunday morning in Holland
Because miracles do happen ! My wife says that every day.
Big hug back to you and your family. God bless
It's good to something show some emotion on the outside... I'm the same as you, I tend to hold it in or hide it...
Perhaps the small things are the big things?
Small things develop into large things
And sometimes they are.
Last time I checked my health was fine enough. However, some of the questions you make are the same ones I ask myself, specially because I am already over 40 and totally missed on the "build a family" part of life.
After going through a few completely failed relationshits, I said enough.
I have finally settled with being alone and if I can't have that part of life everyone around me has... Then I will just travel the World alone. All the money I save because I don't have to support a wife nor to raise kids... I just spend on knowing the World.
When Plan A fails, we gotta have a Plan B. Right?
Nice to see you being positive, even when all the odds are against you. I don't think you can do much more than that.
Happy holidays to you and your family. May you spend some quality time together on this season.
Yes plan b when a goes to crap.
Travel is nice as long as there is no rush. Just go with the flow and enjoy
I refuse to lay down and give up so have to be a little positive with a good understanding of how things really are.
We are all terminally ill @wolfhart. Maybe using that term helps some people get their shit together while they can but it sounds like you've got your priorities sorted so it's not helpful to you.
They've already been wrong with their prognosis if you were told in Feburary that you had weeks to live but then maybe they didn't say how may weeks.
And . . . again . . . we all have weeks to live. š
I'm sorry you're in such pain and have so little energy. You're doing so well handling all that.
Wishing you joyful moments amid the crap and sending you heaps of love to you and your family as always. š
Weeks from October 2 nd .
If I can do this others can. Itās hard, but it can be done.
So letās do it