In continuation to the first part, the story of a women who has gone through soo much in life, yet ready to face the life with a positive approach. You may read this first part as given below before continuing to read further.
Voiceshares #12- Molestation, Sexual Abuse As A Kid, Rejection - Story Of My Life Goes On!!!
Continuing the story, here we go
We married 5 years to the day of meeting. I remember praying that if it rained I would know I was doing the wrong thing. It was a beautiful sunny day.
In the time that I knew him, he got arrested at least 5 times for aggressive behavior against other people, charged for three.
He told me had unofficial work that was army related and would disappear many a night on mission and come back telling me mad adventurous tales that I believed unquestioningly.
He had a best friend who would go everywhere with us, for those for those first 5 years.
My ex also went to prison for two weeks, saying these friends would look after me, I went to work, they sold heroin out my house.
After we got married, I began to realize that if I got upset or angry about anything, he would be more angry and upset about it, so I began to bottle it up.
I had an affair one year into our marriage, with someone who actually answered their phone, texts and were interested in my thoughts and dreams.
This lasted about 6 months and things came to a crunch and I told my husband about the affair. I decided the easiest route and 'safest' was to stay.
He said it might take a year to get over it and he told me to leave work (the affair was with a work colleague) and basically not leave his sight, that's how it was for the next year. I had to 'make up' for what I had done and prove I still loved him, by telling him everything he wanted to know and turned he didn't want to know.
This was hard considering he phoned up the guy I had an affair with everyday for the next 6 months giving him grief and basically threatening him. But I thought I might be able to recapture something.
He wouldn't let me leave the house, when we had a particularly loud and distressing argument.
He would call my Dad and Dad would say it's your mess, deal with it. I ended up agreeing with that and living life as a humanized zombie.
Never have an affair.
Anyway after that year. Guess what?
It didn't stop
Every argument I was a 'bitch, whore, unchristian" whatever and reminded that it was me who fucked up, not him.
I tried to show it wouldn't happen again. I didn't go out.
He promised me that was it, no more on the subject, and we agreed to try for children.
I was unknowingly two weeks pregnant with my eldest when I went out with the intention of never coming back, I'd had enough of this life. I didn't want to be punished forever.
But I came back.
When we knew we were pregnant, it still didn't stop - the neighbour upstairs called the police when I screamed "you may as well just kill me!" and he went upstairs the next day and had a go at her, so she she didn't ever do that again.
He'd still wrestle me to the ground, if I tried to leave in midst of an argument.
Things did calm down somewhat on the argument side.
But then the undermining and emotional games began.
I should have listened when social services got involved the first time with concerns of emotional abuse, but I was in denial.
My husband attempted suicide as a result of this intervention and me confessing that maybe there were some issues to be concerned about. We separated for two months, he convinced me things would change and he'd stop drinking, which was a major catalyst of arguments.
That lasted for 6 months.
But two years later and getting to the stage that knowing that nothing will ever change. And people telling me 'no, it's not all in your head', I finally found courage something to call it a day.
I mean I'd repeat conversations we'd have and his point of view in public and he turn around and disagree with me. I just ended up almost completely withdrawing.
There wasn't any more to give.
The kids could feel the atmosphere. Sometimes my husband and I wouldn't talk for days and neither of us would concede, so it was always there in the air.
They'd see him having a go at me and reducing me to tears. I even started getting panic attacks as result of these bombardments.
In the end I did it for the kids and for me. It was time to stop walking on eggshells all the time.
I asked him to leave and he left.
I have remained on the receiving end of his anger though and this has resulted in me getting a restraining order against him till 2022 and him getting letter only contact with the kids.
I am going on lots of courses to become happier, more confident and learn some mindfulness skills and am on anti-depressants, but there are still some days when you just cannot escape the thoughts.
Life is still not easy as single mum.
But at least now I can work on myself to be the best role model I can be and do what I want to. Earn a living from home and use a good proportion of that to help people.
My girls are now thriving (for the most part) and we are doing ok
But its so damn lonely and more than anything I am frightened of not recognizing real love when/if it comes my way.
After all life is short and its a miracle when two people come together and find true love. At least I know now what love isn't.
In the meantime its about learning to love myself and being the best mum I can be. And making sure my girls always feel loved.
Believe it or not, this is a readers digest version
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wow...thanks for sharing - love is on your horizon, and your experiences have only given you greater appreciation and understanding of what it is and what it is not...thanks for being honest - your story is a comfort to many
An insistence binds the cardboard hierarchy. I had no idea that
story could do so well on here ... following you my friend. Hope you follow me as well so that
we can stay connected :-) See you around
@lovingvanadium
5ayrat
Nice post
The hardest part is felt by the child who is looking for a care of a father or mother...