man·splain | /manˈsplān/ | verb
(of a man) [to] explain (something) to someone, typically a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.
I have over four years of experience as a financial aid professional working with students in America to finance traditional college and career training school. I have enjoyed this profession because I get to work with the most eager hearts and minds of our generation. Every day I get to work with hope.
Today I met with a young married couple, a lovely husband and wife duo, and the wife is pursuing enrollment with our school. I asked to review their taxes for 2016, which they shared they filed separately that year because of “reasons” and they wanted to save money.
I tell them that I get “reasons” because my wife and I are considering filing separately as well to qualify for a lower student loan payment. I empathized with wanting to save money because we are shocked and bitter that somehow we owe taxes for 2017 when we are poor.
[White] Husband explains that I have incurred a tax bill because I went to college for free.
[Black] I mentioned that I absolutely did not get a free education (hence, aforementioned loan debt). I also made it clear that I financed college through a combination of loans, small grants and academic scholarships (Magna Cum Laude, baby!) and working 30+ hours a week.
I did not get a handout. Hardly anyone does these days.
Husband then redirects with a loud “oh, well, ya know” that makes me twinge, and goes on to explain that I must still be paying “scholarship taxes” (what???) and that we aren’t entitled to education tax credit breaks blah blah blah . . . I don’t know the rest because I began looking for the camera people from The Office to capture my reaction.
I am literally having someone confidently and poorly explain financial aid to me in MY FINANCIAL AID OFFICE. I am trying to have a human conversation over our dysfunctional tax system in our country, my student loans aside. We are both young couplites working hard, rubbing a few pennies together to get by. (Though since I have his taxes, I know how very few pennies they are.) Our generation has taken a hard bend over and shaft from the generation before us. Our rents take half our income
I tried to politely interject some truth into the matter, but he mostly insisted on lecturing me.
Quick Sidebar...
Some may read this and feel our races are an irrelevant mention, but that difference does affect my perception and feelings, and Let me be clear, I don’t need your permission for that. It’s my reality, but I find our perceptions often bear some degree of semblance to the truth.
I can only presume that he has succumb to a prevelant false narrative in White America that states that Black, poor kids go to college for free while hard working middle class families are wrung out dry for tuition monies.
But I’ll concede that while I believe it was necessary to mention, it doesn’t change my overall point. So stick with me.
I know this conversation holds a strong, “you should have” to understand the tone of it all. But this conversation was unsettling for me – as is any conversation that questions my competence.
But let’s get to the heart of mansplaining
because I believe we are all guilty at some point.
Mansplaining is driven by our inflated perception of the importance of our opinion.
It happens when we allow our insecurities
and people’s impression of us guide our conversations. We pride ourselves in always being right or always having a formulated opinion. Every wheelhouse is (at least a little bit) our wheelhouse.
Sometimes behind mansplaining are insecure thoughts like:
“Everyone seems excited and passionate about [insert current event/issue]. Will I look like an idiot if I admit I’m unfamiliar? Surely there are at least two cents I can contribute here...”
or the other, more common extreme of
“I know everything about [insert topic], let me overexplain every belabored detail so that everyone knows that I know.”
The only remedy to Mansplaining is humility and a willingness to listen — to being open to the possibility that there are more competent minds in the room.
And so the charge is simple: Listen and Be Humble. Listen instead of being quick to speak, and be humble enough to admit when you are wrong. In doing so, we give others the peace of knowing that conversations with us aren’t power play campaigns to “one up” each other, but that we are a safe space to dialogue.
All photos taken from Unsplash.com or taken on my iPhone.
I feeeeell youuuuu. ANd I get where you are going with the "we all do it" thing because it helps you to be productive and turn it around. HOWEVER the definition doesn't really do the practical reality justice. Anyone can be condescending, yes-- especially older people to younger people. Mansplaining describes a specific phenomena (which definitely happened in your office) in which a man assumes they know more than a woman. They "explain" things rather than ask questions because society tells them not to ask questions. Men give answers. Men dont ask questions.
What he clearly assumed was racist and his approach was sexist. He could be a nice guy otherwise but in this case, he fked up. Its okay to claim that!
You don't have to apologize and you WERE NOT overreacting!!!
I wonder if you can help the woman without her husband? This seems like a really arduous task. How did you get through it? I legit can't even imagine making it through such a thing. Thats probably why I work retail and not in an office. I would have definitely told him to fk off and that they can find financial aide their damselves.
I totally hear you @limabeing. I think there’s a strong sense that we can’t let men that do this off the hook by saying we are all complicit. But I do want to make it apparent that it’s not beyond all of us to act in this which.
As far as helping her without him.... She was all “I could have done this without you, Husband” so she definitely has a strong damsel in distress swag that just makes me...ugh 🙄 But I’m giving him the courtesy of the benefit of the doubt, and hopefully it was just a moment of douchery.
I appreciate you so much ❤️
Yeah its sad but thats her choice. School is gonna be hard as hell if shes playing that game. She betta find those bootstraps!!
Yes! My job is always 100x harder when the student refuses to take ownership for their own finances and future. I ask a question and I always get a, “can you call my mom?/can I talk to my spouse, I don’t understand this stuff?” And I get it, people want to make sure they are making sound choice and want to consult their support system.... but mostly I’m entirely cut off and told “I don’t understand any of this financial aid jargon.” Well this is your ball and chain for the next ten years, better get acquainted 😬
"Mansplaining is driven by our inflated perception of the importance of our opinion." You nailed it!!!
Mansplaining makes me SO MAD. I want to rage 1000s of years on whatever man does it, yet I usually say nothing, keeping the hurt and anger inside. I get afraid and hide. To make it doubly insulting, you have the white condescending tone to someone with black skin. Ugh.
Yet your final thoughts are perfect. Listen and be humble. Listen, and don't be afraid to be wrong, or to just allow someone to have their experience without you having to know "better" than them. Such wisdom. I'm working on this. ;)
It’s always so hard to know how to react, because you can easily be “overreacting” and getting your “panties in a bunch” because it’s “just a conversation”.
In this particular case I was angry that it was at work. I couldn’t respond how strongly I wished I could have.
But I definitely came away with the thought that hey, imma kinda like this guy sometimes.... and it gave me a newfound strength to do every thing I could to not be that way or make others feel the way I felt.
I know I've been guilty of this with young people, and have actually learned to love giving praise to those who are right when I am wrong. I just long to have vigorous dialogue where growth is the goal with the youth I'm engaged with. Have been mansplained all to often by peers and superiors... Who ended up being neither peer or superior. Keep it humble, kind, and moving forward. Excellent post!
Hi @drwillwho, I’m glad you brought up the fact that this happens between older and younger people as well! I’d consider myself young and it’s always humbling to be in a conversation with someone older and they are looking to me for insight. I’m always awed.
I've been in so many meetings, where I've had the other interesting phenomena, where either myself or another woman will make a point or a comment about the issue being discussed and literally had men take the point and start to claim it as their own.
We have an unofficial policy that if that occurs, that every woman in the meeting, makes sure to talk about the point made, whilst specifically referring to to the woman that made the point by name.