We’ve all experienced that awkward moment of uncertainty when confronted with a woman who may be pregnant. Should you ask, just to be sure, before making a fool of yourself? After all, she may just have a bit of a belly, a medical condition, bloating from PMS…the list is long!
Fear not! I am here to give you the ultimate, absolutely fool-proof guide to any situation. Once you understand the basics about why you should abstain from inquiring about a lady-person’s reproductive status, you will not only be free from uncomfortable silences and stammering apologies, you’ll be able to spread the word and help others do the same.
The answer to this difficult conundrum is surprisingly simple: Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Period. This includes alluding to pregnancy related themes in hopes of extracting a confession.
Master level: Never assume a woman is pregnant if she has not told you personally that she is pregnant. Even if she appears to be 17 months pregnant - never assume!
This approach will not only save you from embarrassment, it will save countless women from embarrassment, anger, shame, frustration, and probably a whole range of emotions too long to name.
“Why so draconian,” you ask? “Pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful things and should be celebrated! Why shouldn’t I congratulate a woman who is clearly glowing with that lovely pregnancy aura? Everyone gets excited about babies! I just want to share in the joy.”
Yes, the prospect of new life is amazing and miraculous and life-changing. We love to celebrate new babies and the women having them. But there are plenty of reasons we should always let women declare their pregnancy status on their own terms - or not.
Full disclosure: I am six months pregnant at the writing of this post, so I have a very personal stake in this matter. This will be my second child, but my third pregnancy. My husband and I were incredibly lucky that I got pregnant easily for the first time at the age of 35. When we started trying again at 37, nothing happened.
I started getting acupuncture, taking all sorts of supplements, and following all the advice for getting knocked-up quick. To no avail. Soon, my acupuncturist was encouraging me to see a fertility specialist and we eventually gave in. After six months and multiple failed treatments, I “accidentally” got pregnant on an off month. Miracle! But it was not to be. We found out at seven weeks that something was wrong and waited two never-ending, excruciating weeks for the baby to die before my insides could be scraped out.
I was distraught, but sure that next month would be the month! But next month was not the month and neither were the five after that. We tried IVF and the one embryo that survived did not implant. This almost three-year struggle only came to an end when we decided to use a donor egg.
Now, well into my second trimester, I am bursting with joy and anticipation of the arrival of my son’s new little brother or sister. We all are. But even when I got that coveted plus sign on the test stick, the challenges were not over. Sure, I was happy, but I was also terrified it wouldn’t last. Now I had to pass the blood test, pass several more blood tests and a couple of early ultrasounds, be released from the specialist, feel the first kicks, survive the 20 week anatomy ultrasound, etc.
It was an ambivalent few months. Only a few people knew what was going on and they were all sworn to secrecy. Who knew what might happen? I’m still on medication for anxiety and seeing my therapist weekly. You wouldn’t think such a positive event would cause so much mental turmoil, but it did for me. I did not and still do not want to discuss it with everyone who notices my “bump” - oh how I despise that word - and wants to expound upon it, no matter how innocent their intentions may be.
I’m not over it. I’m getting there, but I’m still scared.
That’s why I hope you’ll read this post and take something useful away from it, even if you don’t totally understand my reasoning or agree with what I’m telling you.
Just last week, I finally told one of my colleagues that I was close to six months gone and I didn’t want her to hear it through the grapevine. She admitted that she had her suspicions but didn’t want to put me on the spot. She’s cool like that. I thanked her for her discretion and told her how much I appreciated her sensitivity.
That’s the short version of what inspired me to write this post. It’s way longer than I expected, so if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading! Guidelines for avoiding unpleasant incidents below.
A Non-Exhaustive List of Reasons to Respect a Woman’s Reproductive Privacy:
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Infertility: This cruel harbinger of despair and insatiable longing is indescribably painful to the woman/couple experiencing it. Even though about 10% of women experience infertility, stigma and silence still surround this rotten condition. It really is one of those things you just can’t imagine unless you’ve been there. Compassion, sincere empathy, and endless listening are the only remedies for the devastating cycle of monthly trauma that so often characterizes infertility. Let her come to you with her woes if she wants to.
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A previous loss: Or multiple un/explained losses. Enough said? Unless a woman has confided in you about what she’s going through, she may not want to talk about it and that is her right. Miscarriage can take so many forms, from a so-called “chemical pregnancy” to a late stage termination or still birth. Women react to these heartbreaking events in myriad ways. Perhaps the first miscarriage seemed like no big deal since 20% to 25% of pregnancies terminate on their own anyway. Even the second and third loss may be taken in stride, or maybe they hit her like a ton of bricks. Every woman is different and her personal reaction and coping mechanisms should be honored.
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Problems with the current pregnancy: Just because a woman is visibly pregnant does not mean the subject is automatically up for discussion and/or congratulations. Imagine running up to a woman (maybe you even have the urge to touch her stomach - DON’T!) and telling her how wonderful it is she’s expecting, only to be told that the baby has a genetic defect and will not survive the birth. Worse, imagine she feels compelled to smile and accept your well meaning congratulations even as she is dying on the inside.
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She isn’t pregnant: Don’t make a woman explain to you that she has a beer gut or a medical condition or that she’s “just fat.” How would you feel?
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Denial: For one reason or another, a woman may prefer to ignore the fact that she is pregnant and she sincerely hopes that you will, too.
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A woman’s body is her own, even when it puts her on display against her will: Whether a woman is expecting or not, her body may at some point betray her, telling the world something she cannot hide forever. Nonetheless, just because her apparent state seems obvious to everyone around her, it remains the state of her body and thus, not up for uninvited public comment. We don’t generally walk up to bald people and ask how chemo is going or ask how a person lost their leg - unless we are five years old…
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Pregnancy is a very personal matter: Just as women of child-bearing age often do not wish to be interrogated about when or if they plan to have children, many women would rather not constantly talk about their apparent state of impending motherhood. Regardless of their eventual maternity, women are more than incubators and might occasionally like to talk about other things.
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She’s not keeping it: For whatever reason, a pregnant woman does not necessarily intend to carry her baby to term. This is none of your business. Don’t risk getting yourself into a sticky situation or putting her in one.
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She doesn’t want to talk about it: Have I mentioned this one before? Let it sink in. Really sink in.
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She doesn’t want you to know: When she shows up with a baby in arms, there will be no denying it, but if she hasn’t told you, maybe you need to accept the possibility that she just doesn’t want you to know at this point in time. Try not to take it personally.
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It is her news to tell, not yours: This may seem painfully obvious, but it’s good to be reminded that loose lips do sink ships. Even if you know what is going on with your friend or acquaintance, other people may not, so avoid letting her cat out of the bag in mixed company. Definitely never tell anyone else without her express permission.
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She doesn’t want to tell you here and now: She might be burning to tell you the good news, but this is not the time or place. Be patient and understanding.
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She is a private or shy person: As mentioned above, this is a very powerful personal matter and she may not feel comfortable sharing with you or anyone just yet. Give her time and space - she will thank you!
What’s your experience with these issues? Have you put your foot in your mouth before? Has someone put you in a tough spot without meaning to? How did you respond?
I welcome your comments and questions.
Photos from Pixabay.com
Written with StackEdit.
Oh sweetheart, I totally agree with you, our bodies are our own, and no-body elses. That is something thath they also keep tp forget in hospitals. I have had 2 miscarriages before I was pregant with my baby boy and what hurt me a lot was how I was treated by doctors in the hospitals. So worthless and not a word about the psychological pain I was going through. Thanks for sharing your story with us, and I am sendin you a lot of love that it will work out this time!!
Thanks for reading, Niinja! You are so right - the medical profession is a mess in so many ways. I'll never forget having to fill out the form before the D&C that asked me if I was pregnant - I just looked at the nurse, like, WTF??? Then they sent me home with a list of psychologists specializing in infertility. They were all listed with their areas of expertise - but not one of them admitted in their list that loss was even a thing. Nope! So sorry you've been through so much yourself. So far so good this time - thanks for the encouragement!
I agree with this so much! There is another reason not to ask, as well. She might have just had a baby!!! Most women still look pregnant the first few (ok, in my case it was more like 6 weeks!) weeks after giving birth. I had someone congratulate me that I was "working on a sibling" for my baby when I was 6 weeks post partum. I was like, I'm not pregnant, this baby is 6 weeks old. It was awful. I went home and cried and didn't go out in public again for several days.
Good point! I knew I'd be missing some of the millions of reasons! You are so right. What is wrong with people? I really feel like it is a terrible idea to ever comment on a woman's body - or anyone's body. They're just our vehicles and we worry about them so much. But women especially are subject to so much curiosity and judgement. I'm so sorry you encountered such a clueless person at such a delicate time. ugh.
First of all congratulations on being pregnant. Now the comment I want to make about the post is a personal one. All the advice above is great but it did not apply for me when it came to my mother, mainly because I was living in her house at the time and I was at a all out war with my boyfriend. Mom thought it was odd since two weeks earlier I was madly in love with him(This boyfriend by the way did become my hustband in a couple of months.) But back to the story...My mom did not ask me was I pregnant she told me I was pregnant, which took me totally by surprise. I asked her how did she know. My Mom was a nurse and a very Wise Woman, she said I can look at how fast the front of your neck around the throat area is quivering vibrating fast, that's how I know It only happens when you are pregnant. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror at my throat/neck/area and I did see what she saw. Mom's are amazing.
Thanks for reading! I have never heard of the quivering neck phenomenon - I'll be checking in the mirror. No, you are right, I didn't think of all the possibilities! I guess this would fall under the "never assume" category, but with mothers all bets are off, aren't they? ;-) I'm sure there's not much you can get past a nurse...