White Collar World: A Scientific Study

The office is a strange place… some may even compare it to a sort of alien planet (which is commonly referred to as “the Biosphere”). I have spent the last four years living in the sphere, studying its environment and its inhabitants. Below is a compilation of my observations:

Living Accommodations
The Biosphere is an enclosed area which contains all the necessary elements (i.e. water, electricity, toner) to ensure the survival of all its inhabitants. The only light source in the sphere are florescent lights (led if your biosphere is progressive) that dangle from the ceiling. The social structure of the inhabitants is comprised of a network of thin segregated 10” x 10” cubes of which share walls and have no floors or ceilings; this is where the subjects spend most of life cycle. Within this cube a phenomenon occurs called “escapitis” in where the inhabitants, out of self-preservation, attempt to create environment that resembles anyplace except the biosphere. The main indicator that a subject is participating in escapitis is agriculture in their cube, pictures of mates/offspring, etc.

Manual Labor
Subjects are required to reside within their cubes for a minimum of eight hours a day performing their assigned tasks. Within the Biosphere a subject’s contribution to the is largely associated with time spent and not results yielded; therefore, those who spend the most time are revered by their peers and held in high regard. These subjects receive bartering items that are used for the acquisition of material items such as luxury transportation, fermented liquids and sustenance primarily used for courtship. It is my observation that the subjects do in fact understand the concept of time; however, they do not understand that time is a finite commodity. Because it is finite this means the amount of bartering items and social status a subject can obtain is also finite…but I digress.

Social Interactions
Due to the amount of time spent within the sphere subjects tend to display acute cases of over compulsive disorder regarding office possession/conduct; some examples of this are as follows:

Using a subject’s stapler.
Moving a subject’s stapler.
Stapling papers length wise and not width wise.
Wearing shorts.
Not tucking their upper portion of their clothing into the lower part of their clothing.
Providing compliments to the opposite sex.

….the list goes on…

Social Caste System
The social system within the biosphere is one of feudalism and consists of three castes:

Serfs - This caste has the largest population and accounts for 85% of all Biosphere inhabitants. The purpose of a Serf is to appease the will of the Overlord in order to avoid negative repercussion.
Overlords- This caste acts as the enforcers of Biosphere rule. Overlords manage the Serfs to accomplish objectives provided by the God class. They account of 10% of Biosphere inhabitants.
God Class- This Caste is of the highest social stature and delegates all tasks to the castes below it. God Class subjects judge their peers via an inanimate measure of worth called “metrics”. Metric are then used by the God Class to rate each inhabitant from most valuable to least valuable; those that are labeled as less valuable are periodically cast out of the Biosphere entirely.

Feeding
Feeding ritual within the biosphere is unique and unlike any that has been witnessed in nature. All subjects feast between the hours of 12pm and 12:42pm; the origins of this feeding ritual and its 42 minute length is unknown. Should a subject desire to feed outside of this time period there are black metal boxes that accept bartering items for treats which consist of sodium, simple sugars ad carbohydrate. But potentially most importantly is the ritualistic consumption of a brown energizing liquid substance throughout the day. Some subjects appear to be extremely addicted to the substance and can exhibit eccentric behavior should the substance be unavailable. Some subjects go as so far in venturing out of the sphere to what is referred to as the “watering hole” to obtain this substance. It is in the best interest of the collective biosphere to have the substance available at all times.

Conclusion
The Biosphere is a complex ecosystem comprised of social hierarchy, ritual and survival. Inhabitants contained within have been seen staring out of the sphere onto the horizon. One can only speculate on the subject of their gaze; however, their curiosity of destinations beyond are evident. Perhaps the most perplexing behavior of inhabitants is that the doors to the sphere are unlocked but few rarely venture out of its walls.