If you had the enormous privilege to read some of my previous posts, you must have concluded that I am of very average intelligence – not a complete dumb-ass but not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. The firm belief that I wasn’t a complete Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds made me believe that I could attempt to apply for a place in a project for advanced students at my university.

Obviously, I succeeded in my application and managed to secure a place in the programme because I am simply that good. It definitely wasn’t because barely anyone else applied for it because it required putting on extra load without any extra credits. You may be asking why anyone would even want to attend something like that. The answer is simple: I have no clue. I guess that right about now, you are starting to doubt my previously established average intelligence...

Never mind that.

However, before I got in, I have had to submit a motivation essay and several recommendation letters from my professors or employers. You can imagine my horror when I pictured myself asking the people who can barely recognize me in the class for my personal praise.

When I finally gathered enough courage, practising my speech about determination over and over again and trying not faint during the request, I was shocked at how unimportant it was to the lecturers. They were all like: “Yeah, sure, just write it and I’ll sign it. Now, move out of my way ‘cause I need to catch that bastard that always steals all my whiteboard markers.”

Whaaat? I need to write several different recommendation letters…for myself? WTF? I had no idea this is something so typical that no one around me was really surprised. Why am I the only naïve soul around? So much deceit in this world!

Time to join this deranged society!

Writing a recommendation letter for another person is surprisingly easy for me. I am able to praise someone even for the way they manage to pop a champagne without taking anyone’s eye out. However, it is surprisingly difficult to appreciate yourself when all you see is garbage.

Well, enough with the sweet talk. Here is how I managed to write several different letters recommending my awesome self to the advanced placement.

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1. FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

The project required people able to work in a team, come up with innovative ideas, be culturally adaptive and not to be complete pussies.

Those are the things, you should subtly focus on in your letter! Something like:

“This chick/dude came up with the idea on how to stop the global warming, so she/he travelled the world to preach their word to all people, especially to forgotten communities on deserted islands, in Amazon rainforest and colonies of penguins on the South Pole. She/he was so good at everything, that they gained a huge following that worshipped everything this chick/dude said. Total President of the World material.”

2. BE SUBTLE!

Okay, maybe I have let myself carried away a little. Subtlety is the key!

Mention some generic abilities (teamwork, good listening skills, quick adaptability…blah blah blah) and connect them to a specific experience.

“This person is an A-grade teamwork material because they managed to not strangle anyone with their bare hands during standard group discussions. That’s what I call an achievement!”

3. USE APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE

Sometimes, it takes me an hour to compose a simple two-paragraph email to my lecturer because I am perfecting my Thesaurus game for maximum effect. A few hours (days, weeks, lifetimes, rebirths of the planet Earth) later, I receive a reply saying: “yea, no prob. c u in class.”

This is a method of learning a specific person’s writing style. Now, I obviously write like a civilised person, so I would need to dumb myself down for the professor in question and write something like: “Yo dawg, this chic is like totaly lit…ya’ll need to get it capiche? juz keep slayin bo!”

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4. MAKE USE OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS…

astonishingly brilliant
extremely talented
enormously balanced
admirably intelligent
incredibly focused
the best student/worker I ever had
“fuckin dope” (Dumbing-down method)
“coolest bo evah” (Dumbing-down method)
“dis motherfuckah is lit, yo” (Dumbing-down method)

…and don’t forget to write the actual recommendation! Something along the lines of: “You would be an idiot not to accept this person!” (Channeling my inner Miranda Priestly – no one played by Meryl Streep can be wrong, so better follow this advice!)

5. TRICK THE TEACHER/EMPLOYER INTO SIGNING IT

…or sign it yourself. It’s your work anyway. Why should they take all the credit?

…or sign it for them. I’m pretty sure that a signature forgery cannot be taken seriously here when you just basically praised the shit out of yourself. Don’t take my word for it though. Just because I wasn’t caught yet doesn’t mea- I’ve said too much again.

6. REAP WHAT YOU SOW

After your submission, the sweet moment between the lie and its discovery begins.

Prepare yourself for all the benefits. Can you hear the applause already?

I know I did. My own letters of recommendation succeeded in their jobs of impressing important people. That’s why I got the great privilege to work my ass off on an extensive extracurricular project which helped me in…exactly, nothing. Yay!

Feel free to share any insight on recommendation letters in your experience. I might have been wrong in a few points…

@vendee out