GIRLS HATE WRESTLING [011 | Summmmmer Slaaaaaaaam!]
Girls Hate Wrestling is a blog run by a girl, who in fact, loves pro-wrestling. This was originally an idea for a youtube series with my best friend, but that never happened. Now it's going to be a blog, possibly some videos, of me channeling my love of a testosterone fueled soap opera of greased up men in underwear battling to lay on top of each other for 3 seconds... sometimes for a belt.
I have to say I’m sorry a million times before I start this. I’m having a hard time enjoying, focusing or even caring about wrestling, or anything for that matter, for about three weeks to a month now. But Summer Slam is tomorrow, and this is the one I’ve been saying for months Ii hope creative writes and books well. We will see. I can’t say for sure the bookings/storylines have been shit or if it’s just my brain hating everything. But I’m not totally understanding the point or build to some of these matches and I think there’s gunna be a lot of disappointment that doesn’t make sense for a few weeks. Let’s go!
[DING DING DING]
Summer Slam 2017 is a Raw and Smackdown joint-ppv going down in the Barclays Center in New York. We have EIGHT TITLES on the line for this one. I am unsure of what order the matches are booked so we’re gunna break down the card by show.
RAW SUMMER SLAM CARD
Universal Championship Fatal 4-Way Match
Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs Brock Lesnar (c) vs Braun Strowman
They have been building this up to the highest intensity they can muster. This is a Fatal 4-way. First man to gain pinfall or submission wins. This match could really go a thousand different ways. Brock can lost the title without even being a part of the finish. If and when he does tomorrow, Paul Heyman has said Lesnar leaves WWE. NA NA NA NAAA, NA NA NA NAAAA, GOOOOOD BYEEEEE. Remember, I hate Brock.
Braun Strowman won a Last Man standing against Jabroman a little while back, and Joe Coquina Clutch’s on everyone. Jabroman has his yard. It’s four big dudes in a fight for THE title of Raw. I’m gunna put my faith in Roman or Joe, as I have a strong dislike for Braun, and I can’t wait to see Brock leave.
RAW Women’s Championship
Alexa Bliss (c) vs Sasha Banks
This was an “unexpected” switchup last week. Alexa was originally booked against Bayley for the title match, but the little hugger got herself a nice shoulder injury thanks to Nia Jax and can’t compete. I couldn’t tell you if it’s legit or storyline, don’t care. Sasha ended up beating Nia in a matchup after Bayley’s injury let a vacant No. 1 Contender spot. I want to see this go to Sasha. It’s a better feud than Bayley vs Alexa.
Raw Tag Team Championships
Cesaro + Sheamus (c) vs Seth Rollins + Dean Ambrose
Cesaro and Sheamus have been doing FANTASTIC as Tag Champs. I love those boys. Seth and Dean have the Shield history fueling whatever storyline they’re pushing. For weeks one of them would get beat up and the other would come to save the day but then they couldn’t decide if they wanted to keep hating each other or be shield bros again. Creative could be cooking up some sort of full Shield reunion depending on if these titles change hands and how the Fatal 4-Way goes. I’m honestly okay with either.
Singles Match
Big Cass vs The Big Show with Enzo Amore locked in a Shark Cage.
So Cass heel turned and attacked Enzo a month or two ago and they’ve been building this up, and no one can figure out which direction. Zo’s buddied up with Big Show since Cass’ attacks. Cass and Show have been facing off for weeks and Cass had Gallows and Anderson help him beat down Show and break his big fucking wrist in the shark cage. Enzo’s going in the shark cage… probably for behind the scenes reasons of pissing off the locker room, and not actually because of this match. I have a feeling Show is retiring soon and Cass is a great person to do it. There’s rumored Enzo heel turn from the shark cage to assist Cass and team up again as heels.
My choice honestly changes depending on how they’re trying to write this one for the future. Like, Enzo and Cass as heels could be really cool. I dunno. I’m not gunna be mad either way, I’m just sick of seeing Big Show start looking like Undertaker in the ring.
Singles Match
“Demon King” Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt
Alright, this is one where I’m lost on the storyline. I feel like no one had any ideas on what to do with these two so it’s the demon vs the god. I love Finn. That dude’s insane in the ring, and Bray has wrestling in his blood. They’re both so great, I’m just not sure there’s been enough storyline build to really have a solid pick. Probably Finn. I hope he’s in body paint. There isn’t really a Wyatt Family anymore for Bray to be trying to turn someone to his side. I did like the bucket of fake blood this week all over Finn.
6-Man Tag Match (kickoff show)
Hardy Boyz + Jason Jordan vs The Miz + Miztourage
So Jason Jordan is Kurt Angle’s storyline son, and things got a little heated when he was on MizTV. That’s where this all starts. Miztourage just tries to beat up everyone and Hardyz don’t play that game. Jason Jordan will probably be going against Miz for the IC Title shortly, but Miz can’t play fair so the Hardyz teamed up with Jason to keep Miztourage at arm’s length. Something like that.
Obvious pick: Hardy Boyz. It will never not be Hardyz for the win.
Cruiserweight Championship (kickoff show)
Akira Tozawa (c) w/ Titus O’Neil vs Neville
WHOOOOOAH. Neville isn’t champ! Being honest, I stopped watching 205Live a long time ago and raw has mostly irrelevant Cruiserweight matches. Glad Neville lost the belt, just hope Tozawa can keep it.
SMACKDOWN SUMMER SLAM CARD
WWE Championship
Jinder Mahal (c) vs Shinsuke Nakamura
Wow. Oh, just… wow. So We finally moved passed the awful that was RKO vs Jinder for waaaay too long. Shinsuke had a little thing with Baron Corbin. Shinsuke ended up suplexing Cena on his head to win this title shot. I was over Jinder as Champ before it ever happened. GIMME NAKAMURA DYNASTY. But anyway this is extra great because Smackdown this week meant there’s no fuckery after this match is over. I’ll get to that later.
Smackdown Women’s Championship
Naomi (c) vs Natalya
It’s gunna be great to see Naomi in a title match on a ppv again. And Natalya is more than deserving of this as much as I wanted it to be Becky or Charlotte. Should be a decent match given Naomi is in fact a fighting champ and Natty is wrestling blood. That girl is tough. Not even mad at the outcome unless that little idiot Carmella and slimeball Ellsworth show up to cash in MITB. Then Carmella probably holds the belt. Ew.
United States Championship (with guest referee Shane McMahon)
AJ Styles (c) vs Kevin Owens
They have been bouncing this title back and forth for WAY TOO FUCKING LONG. I was pleasantly surprised at the random Jericho comeback a few weeks ago for a triple threat. I would mostly be okay with Jericho interference fuckery as long as KO doesn’t end up with the belt. I don’t like that stupid idiot. I can and will watch AJ vs Jericho for this belt forever. There’s a lot of speculation as to which direction this match is going in result of the “accidental” bumps Shane has endured by KO and Styles in recent matches/promos. Shane can take a nasty hit and still call a pin. That’s the point. I really truly don’t think KO deserved this shot after attacking the senior ref backstage, resulting in Shane as ref for this match. Normally putting your hands on an official ends up in fines and suspensions.
Singles Match
Randy Orton vs Rusev
Rusev claimed people were scared of him after he failed to win the Flag Match against Cena at Battleground. Creative was at a loss with RKO storyline after the bullshit with Jinder and not getting his title back. RKO needs to be a heel, so they’re pitting one heel against a face-that-should-be-heel. Because RKO isn’t scared of anyone. Boom, here’s a random summer slam match. I told them to be better by Summer Slam. I can’t even say it’s 50/50. Gimme an RKO win even though I stopped hating Rusev at the last PPV.
Singles Match
John Cena vs Baron Corbin
I DO NOT CARE. I HATE CENA. I HATE CORBIN. WHY is this even a fucking match. Cena fought Jinder on smackdown and then Corbin tried to cash in MITB on Jinder but took a shot at Cena and gave Jinder a few seconds to get his shit together, resulting in Corbin being one of three men to UNSUCCESSFULLY cash in MITB. So he’s gunna be a little salty and Cena’s gunna be on his high horse as usual. Who cares.
Smackdown Tag Team Championships (kickoff show)
The New Day (c) vs The Usos
I am so happy this is a kickoff match. The Smackdown Tag titles lost all steam like a year ago. No one likes stale-ass booty-o’s or thug Usos. Gimme The Fashion Police.
[DING DING DING]
There's your Summer Slam 2017 card, and how Wednesday Miller wants things to go down. Stay tuned for the Summer Slam wrap up next week, most likely in two parts. I promise more wrestling content will be out... once I fight off this depression shit, again. I have some great ideas, just gotta make 'em happen.
And as always, don't be a Jabroni.