Hugs to you sweetie! I don't wish those nights on anyone. Those moments when you tell yourself it's okay, things check out, but your heart and your lungs don't believe you. Do you have something that you can hold in your hand that won't hurt you if you fall asleep holding it and roll over onto it? Maybe something that your boys made for you? When I was younger I had a marble alarm in my room and after it would go off I would have the hardest time falling back to sleep. I would hold this bookmark my grandma gave me. It had a tassle with a metal sun on the end and I would run my fingers over the Sun and strain my ears to listen to my room. I don't know if it was the repetitive motion or just the pure exhaustion but I think that having an object in my hand made me feel grounded. Maybe a talisman would help you? I'm glad that you have/are taking courses to strengthen and grow. It's good to know that you have a strong set of claws to protect yourself with. Take care and I wish you nights of warmth and dreams of joy.
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Well, there is always a feline to cuddle, which is helpful :)
Thank you so much doll :)