Parenting may very well be the hardest job and responsibility anyone can have on the planet. Nurturing another human being and making sure that child has all the tools they need to grow into a well- adjusted adult is more important than any other job one can think of. Having said that however, parenting can be more challenging if you are a stepparent, even harder as a stepmother.
Many women become stepmothers because of different circumstances. Most times divorce contributes; the woman either being the ex- wife who gets remarried to a dad or the new wife walking into an already dissolute family structure. In Africa most stepmothers are usually just called “the second wife” which is an even worse stereotype to live with. To everyone, the stepchildren included, she will always be “the father’s wife” and nothing more.
I am not a stepmom, neither am I a mother. This article is basically surmised on my knowledge as a psychology graduate who has life experience with stepmothers. Some of my female relatives are stepmothers and I am a stepdaughter myself.
Before we dwell on the nitty gritties of stepmotherhood, consider for a moment that stepfamilies or blended families are a conundrum in themselves. In the past, most stepfamilies were formed after the death of a parent. Today, they are more likely to be formed after a parental divorce or non-marital birth. Whatever the cause, stepfamilies are common because most people find it difficult to be single parents and long for a chance to find happiness with new partners. Stepfamilies represent new beginnings, opportunities to correct prior mistakes and visions for a better future. Some opt to remarry as they fear they can no longer shoulder the sole responsibility of raising children.
Stepmothers are always the brunt of disgruntlement and the topic of bad parenting. There is always the presumption that the stepmother came into the scene and disrupted the family dynamics. Even most psychology books and blogs subscribe to this notion. They are subjected to the “wicked stepmother” myth and the Cinderella effect which presupposes that stepparents are more likely to abuse children than their biological parents. The number of stepmothers who are depressed increases everyday.
Stepmothers are subjected to a lot of stressful situations every day. Changing family dynamics is hard on both the stepchildren and the step mother. These are some of the emotionally depriving situations that a stepmother may go through every day:
- They struggle with the fact that there was a biological mother and feel like they should replace them.
- The ex is always a sore subject.
- They feel like an outsider, like they don’t belong.
- Their feelings are almost always on high alert and nerves are raw such that every action by anyone offends.
These are just some of the feelings that stepmothers face every day in a bid to try and be a good stepmother. To be clear, there is no such thing as a “good” stepmother, one should rather focus on being more contented and happier. Hear Ye, stepmothers: just rethink everything you have heard or read and reshape your role.
Stepmoms give their time and effort to make sure their spouses and stepchildren are comfortable while they are tossed every which way by the expectations of their husbands to be good mothers and the constant reminder that they are not the biological mother.
A few pointers to those stepmoms who mean well:
*Learn to detach yourself from situations because every statement will hurt you and every mention of the ex will bother you. *Communication is key; talk with your partner from situations that will make you the bad guy. Know when to speak and when to keep quiet.
To every other member of the blended family who might come across this article :
Stepmothers are people and deserve to have their needs met as well.
To stepmothers, you also have a responsibility to your own psychological health. A happier person is a healthier person and that’s good for everybody else.
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There is always a tug of war between stepmother and stepchild. There is an element of mistrust between the two. The head of the family has to play the Unity role. He has to be diplomatic when approaching either of the two. If he gains respect from the two its easier to promote unity.
indeed
so true the struggle is real. it is always hard to adjust to a situation where one totally feels that this woman is not my mother or the other way roumnd