I never thought I would beat the beast with something so simple as ego soul separation. To watch what my mind spews out is a necessity to remain at peace. What follows is how I was over ten years ago, it's different now.
It's demonic, it takes you over, it possesses you, it builds castle like impervious walls around you, it silences you and can sometimes convince you that the only escape is death.
I've just come through another bout of depression which started at the end of August, no warning apart from a couple of weeks feeling anxious and fearful for no apparent reason. In the early stages I was fighting the anxiety, making myself go out, putting myself amongst people and making myself go the the place that I hate most, The Supermarket. This is a territory that brings it home usually, I start comparing myself with others, they are functioning and I can't even remember what day it is let alone what I went there for. I make a list because I know from old that I'll walk through the doors and forget everything I wanted, it's a place of confusion. The list that I've made will be 'left on the side', and I'll find myself going home feeling useless and letting my demonic little demon tell me things like, 'Your doing it again, you're on a slippery slope, you're not safe out here, you don't belong with these people, you have nothing in common with the world, your useless and you're totally on your own!', amongst other detriments.
Unhinged fear sets in, I try and make some sense out of how I'm feeling, I tell myself I'm not depressed but can't explain to myself what it's like not be depressed, if feels as though I've always felt like this but on the other hand I feel abnormal. I start to fear depression but have no registration point of what it's like to feel 'normal', perhaps I've always felt like this? If I'm feeling normal I really don't want to feel any worse! It's a madness that becomes relentless, what's madness? Am I going mad? The saying 'I'm not feeling myself' becomes a reality, there's someone else in here with me, I know them but I know they are only a part of me, not the whole deal but they are taking over, swallowing up all that's positive and making my negatives positive to trick me into the fact that that's how I should be feeling. The world sucks, it's full of people that are deliberately lying, they know the truth so why do they play the corporate game, why do they join in with doing something that they hate, to fit in? Oh to pay the bills! How can they be so strong to go against their true instincts, is that their true instinct? I've got to change the world and I feel so powerless, can't they see? Now the depression has meaning, I'm in the wrong world, that's what it is! That's why I feel so isolated and the outside is so frightening, at least in here I can be safe-ish, that's if nobody knocks at my door, that's if no-one wants to meet me. Depression has now got me on my own to do what it wants with me, shit I'm giving it control, I'm letting it take over and it's somehow sneering at me. If I'm going mad then how can I know that I'm going mad, how can I comprehend the thought that there is someone in here with me, in my head, when if I'm mad I just would be? The discussions continue, day in, day out, sleepness nights that feel safe because the world has gone to sleep and I don't have to perform for it, safe in my turmoiled bed in the dark, no expectations, It's painful but at least no-one can see me in my pain, that would be embarrassing eh!
I make my way to the doctors and in the waiting room I'm tricked again, my mind here has the registration point it needs from the last time I was depressed, 'You're not as bad as the last time, look at the pot half full instead of half empty, why are you here?' Is that my voice or the depression kidding me the pot is half full so it can empty it again when it gets me in another vulnerable moment? 'Mr Degnin?' I walk to the door of my doctors putting on a smile, I feel I have let him down feeling depressed again 'I tell him I'm a bit low but blame it on my skin infection' I walk out having interacted with a kind person that I trust, I feel ok for a while and then I panic on the way home, shaking, palpitations, sweating, sickness, feeling as though I'm going to pass out, lose consciousness, is it blood sugars? No I think it's a panic attack. I get myself home somehow and drink some sweet tea. I feel myself taking control again for a short while which is good, I know now I have a validation of who I am and can differentiate from the evil presence that is trying to take up residence in my head. Some respite in the fact that I know now I am depressed and that I'm still here somewhere, I can now identify the destructive thoughts when they creep in again, on guard, on guard, keep the awareness at critical point, watching the depression can then be as simple as watching the night take the day, black and white until the beast twists my reality again using the technique 'shades of grey' that gently lead me back into the darkness. I go through this process usually for three to four months, I can function only in short bursts. I think I should be talking to someone close about it but would imagine my friends would not understand. It's arduous trying to explain it to myself. I usually don't talk about it, put on a smiley face and hope they don't notice, it's easier and I don't want to scare them or have them worrying over me. This is another illusion depression creates, of course it would be good to talk to someone and I know deeply that my close friends would want to help but the depression needs to keep me isolated so it's safe from any positive help.
I now understand that this is learnt behaviour and armed with this knowledge I am now developing personal techniques to pull myself out of the dive. When I'm in the midst of the darkness I know that I won't be there for ever. Positive effort is required to see the light, 'It doesn't rain forever, the sun always comes out again'. Depression will try and tell me otherwise but I find if I acknowledge it, I know there's a path away from it. For years I have tried to ignore Depression and it creeps up on me and twats me on the back of the head, before I know it I have gone down to what feels like the point of no return.
Looking at my diaries over the past fifteen years there are huge six month gaps, the last entry before the gap might be slightly on the low side, then there comes the gap and then some notes about what hell I've been through during the gap. This time I've tried to write through the blackness which has given me some sense of achievement and positive self regard.
Ego Soul Separation, observe your mind from your soul, you might ask yourself who is observing, you are not your mind.
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