I grow very worried, sometimes, about the lack of certainty in my life.
As you know, I didn't go to college, deciding that the one thing I genuinely wanted to do (write) couldn't be taught. Not in a classroom, at least. So instead, I opted to devote my time to that, and later, to work. I worked a variety of jobs. I worked as a babysitter when I was a kid, then when I was about 19, I started getting my first proper writing jobs. I worked for small-time publications, and as a freelancer since 2019 to present.
Over the past year or so, work has gotten slow. Which is partly my fault. In 2023, I chose to take on less writing projects so I could focus on the trilogy I was writing at the time. So I rejected some people reaching out, and gradually, people started reaching out less.
Then, AI came. Well, you know what I mean. With the rise of things like ChatGPT last year, people in my field noticed a tremendous shift. Suddenly, people who could write bland, filler crap were needed a whole lot less. By the way, I'm the first to admit that's what most of the jobs were. While I did them well and enjoyed them, they were mostly bland and indistinct. Stuff a robot could reasonably write without much difficulty, since my job was also reading through a bunch of similar articles and just rehashing it into something new.
So paired with my own break from work, that cut down the flow of freelancing work dramatically.
However, I'd put myself ahead of the curb. In 2023, seeing this happening, I also saw a choice between swimming along with the herd, picking the sparse, increasingly absurd work opportunities, or taking the opportunity to focus on and grow my own writing.
While working as a freelancer, much of my personal writing went into short stories and later novels. I wrote here, sometimes, though I hardly considered that as part of a larger effort. It was just a thing you did, you know?
But last year, I had a bit of a sit-down with myself, decided I still wanted to write in any way I could, and figured okay, what's the option then? Keep trying to please clients that are inevitably gonna dry up, or focus on building my own voice, my own human content online?
Obviously, I went for the latter. So the past 8-10 months have been writing consistently here and on Medium, while also finishing the books and picking up the occasional freelance piece. While satisfying, it is in many ways very hectic.
It doesn't require a strict schedule of me, and there is a lot of volatility. Obviously. Who's to say what will work and what won't, what will be liked and what won't? It breeds a lot of insecurity. I think it's fair to say, it takes nerves of steel to live this easy, bohemian life of mine.
Which isn't to say I'm complaining, merely expressing uncertainty.
I wonder sometimes if I wouldn't be better off looking for a stable 9 to 5, or at least a more secure type of job. But then I think... in what?
Perhaps there will come a time when necessity will push me into a job I dislike to make ends meet. But as I see it now, I don't want to get bogged down in a soulless job which would slowly drain away my time and effort from my actual passion - writing. And sadly, that's what I see happen with the people I know who would have creative/artistic passions.
They transition a passion into a hobby. At first, they say oh yeah, I'm gonna write or paint or whatever in my spare time - evenings, weekends, holidays. But then, life catches up. You gotta do the laundry, buy groceries, visit the in-laws. You want to enjoy some sun. And your free time's gone, your passion unattended. And suddenly, years have gone by. And you're still there, saying the will do.
Pipe dreams.
In these 25 years, I don't think anything has terrified me more than pipe dreams. Looking back, I realize I've lived my whole life running from that possibility, that what I love might be turned into a pipe dream. That I'll end up an O'Neill character. It was that fear that said don't go to college, learn to write instead. It was that fear that said don't write another tech article, focus on your book. And it's that fear, that reliable gut-churner that intervenes now as I worry about my future, and says keep on keeping on.
Maybe someday, that fear will lead me down a dark forest path that I won't know to claw my way out of.
Oh well. I guess we all gotta trip running from something.
It's a hustle, creative work.
Then again, so is corporate work. You're just hustling within an organization instead of outside of one.
For that matter, so are the trades. Always gotta find someone whose plumbing needs fixing, or whose roof is leaking.
I guess it's just a matter of finding the hustle that works for you.
Good point. I gotta pick my poison, I guess :)
I guess nowadays with the influx of modernization so many people have been very successful even if they haven't gone to school or graduated from college. A lot of learnings can be taught in the internet most specially in YouTube. But if you wish to truly have a degree and a diploma well you can still study while working if that's what you really wanted and if that's your measurement of being successful.
You are still very young dear, you can still follow your dreams.
You can study online and work during the day a lot of people are doing that
As long as we are alive we can still accomplish the things you wish to attain. Never let anything or anyone get in the way.
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