I wanted to write and post this soon after my last post regarding failure and getting up and trying again, but I didn't. On the day I wrote my last post is the day that I started a cold turkey quitting smoking attempt, the reason I didn't write this the next day or sooner is because I didn't know if I'd quit at quitting... again, and if that was the case then this post would become, what? A lie? Invalid? I'm not sure.
Anyway, That may sound like I don't have much confidence in myself regarding abstinence from nicotine, and that's completely true, I remember my first proper quit attempt and how two days in to to the attempt I was yelling at being a-word-I-shouldn't-type towards my then girlfriend who I was living with, she was trying to quit too and was handling it much better, but after that second night she just gave me her bank card and told me to go buy smokes, she couldn't live with me in the state that I was during withdrawals, and to be honest, neither could I, and so I stopped the quit attempt there.
It took 2 years and a throat infection (unrelated to smoking, but it did make smoking painful) to start my next attempt, this attempt lasted 2 days again, I caved in after almost crying in frustration at this strange feeling of just anger mixed with dread that just wouldn't go away, and so I smoked even though it seared my swollen throat, ahhhh sweet relief.
The next attempt was a few months after that, using a smoking schedule that focused on cutting down, I managed to go from 12 a day to 3, and stayed on this for about two weeks, one night out drinking put an end to that.
2 months later I tried nicotine gum and managed 3 or 4 days, gum just didn't hit the spot, I was still just so angry, sad and unable to think clearly, wanting to burst into tears of frustration at random things, like missing a red light, or maybe dropping my pen.
My quitting attempts got closer and closer together, even managing about a 3 week stint of no cigarettes, I built up a desire for sugary food during this attempt even though I usually struggle to eat sweet things and avoid sugar. Within a month I was back to smoking and still eating sweet food, and now a few months later I'm back here again, attempting to quit.
It's not easy, but anything that's going to add years to your life and health isn't going to be, I'm down, I feel
depressed and have already started stupid arguments about small things, quitting and the subsequent withdrawals have wrecked havoc on my mood and the prescription I am using to curb withdrawal symptoms (champix) doesn't seem to have much of an effect, although from past experience I know that by now I would've relapsed if I didn't have some kind of supplement.
I'm really struggling to write about what I wanted to when I thought about this post, turns out that writing about smoking makes me only really want to do one thing, so maybe this can be something I come back to, I will talk about having honest conversations with yourself, saying goodbye to unhealthy coping mechanisms and how I formed them in the first place, I can talk about building willpower, and I can mention again that failure is no reason no to try again, and again, and again, as many times as it takes.