I Have 8 Kids, If You're a Parent, Read This, it Might Help

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Yes, they are all mine. Yes, with the same mother. Yes, we know what caused it, we like it! No, there were no twins, multiple births, or adoptions. No, we are not catholic, or mormon.

Okay, that's out of the way. Hi, I have eight kids, four boys and four girls, and in a world that preaches the idea of scarcity, there are days when I feel like I should hide this about myself, but I am super proud of how all of my kids are turning out, so, don't like it? suck it.

I understand, hear and appreciate your aversion to my choice, I also
know that I am being represented by 8 beautiful new human beings who
disagree with you, so my ideas may go further than yours.

Diatribe over:

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A "rare" image of all 8 in one place, oldest to youngest

We have four boys and four girls,

Elizabeth (girl) 21,
Asher (boy) 19,
Abigail (girl) 17,
Gideon (boy) 15,
Noah (boy) 13,
Lydia (girl) 11,
Anna (girl) 9
and Eli (boy) 7.

Two are in their third year of college, both on the honor role, (one is about to apply to Vet school, to be an exotic animal vet, cool, huh?) one is a senior and one a sophomore in high school (charter school, selected by lottery), both honor students, one is in junior high and received awards for his 4 point plus grade average last year (charter school, selected by lottery).

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My oldest, graduating high school, surrounded by family

The younger three are home schooled, which is where all of my others started. My oldest son, taught himself calculus, earned and engineering degree, did one year engineering, one year architecture and was finally encouraged, after being bored with these, to pursue "entrepreneurship". The eleven year old, was also a state champion on balance beam last year, but has decided to pursue dance. The younger three test in the top 5% of their age bracket and attend an online charter school.

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The three youngest, in a peaceful moment, as captured by their older sis

*Note: there is no "Tiger Momming" here, we don't have time for it. They achieve these things because we tell them they can, we let them choose a path that makes sense and we cheer like crazy for every single win and hold them and buy ice cream for every single loss, and we also teach them to celebrate the winner, even when it's not them!

Out of eight, I have never had an issue with delinquency, discipline
issues outside the home, major defiance inside the home, drugs,
alcohol, or violence outside of minor sibling quarrels, none of which
has ever led to a medical emergency, or even bloodshed that I recall.

I am the oldest of 7, with similar statistics

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That's me, in the hat, with my four younger brothers about a year ago

I say all of that, not to brag, but to say that I do have something to back up my ideas. Whether you consider them right or wrong, they are producing results that most parents want for their children.

My children are also free thinkers who have learned to challenge authority with respect and state their beliefs and opinions in the face of opposition, with love
My children are taught to respect the beliefs of everyone they come into contact with and to remember that truth is the goal, not having the "right" ideology or belonging to the right group.
My children have all voluntarily given of their time to help others and continue to do so, even without direct compensation, recognizing the reward that comes from service.

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Here they are on the first day of school, HA, (Halloween)

I am not an authoritarian parent in the traditional sense

My wife and I have worked hard to establish a home where we respect our children, but expect them to be decent human beings.

We try to have as few rules as we can to maintain order and harmony, while giving them as much autonomy as they are capable of at every stage in life.

The rules, are the rules and will be enforced, but beyond that, they are free to make many of their own choices.

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The youngest, about to learn why they are called, "constrictors"

We teach them to respect life, liberty and property, and to know that their own rights end, where another's begin
We teach our children the Non Aggression Principle, which from my view, teaches that violence is only acceptable in response to a direct, undeserved application of force against your person, property or liberty, or the person property or liberty of someone else incapable, and deserving of defense.
We insist they treat their siblings with at least as much grace and courtesy as their best friends, or they will be limited in their contact with friends.
We teach them kindness to everyone, and encourage humane treatment of all others, including animals.
We teach them respect for their environment, to treat it as they want their own homes to be treated.
We insist that they follow established rules in our home, and when they choose not to, we apply known consequences, as consistently as possible.
We do not strive to treat every single child, the exact same way, in every single circumstance and those differences are open and explained

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Elizabeth's senior reward as jr curator, a day with the elephants

*Without going into mundane details about room cleaning, etc, that is the core of our rules. Everything else extends from that, and they can be summed up in this statement, "Love your neighbor as yourself" We also teach them our beliefs, but understand that they will choose for themselves some day. *

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Myself, wife and 2 oldest girls riding the beach, Surfside TX

If you are a parent, looking for similar results, here are some tips

First, if your child is experiencing discipline problems, is in
constant defiance, or has special needs, I am not an expert in these
issues. In some cases, I think that parents recognize too late the
need for instructing and guiding their children more carefully and
have a long road to recovery. Other times, brain chemistry, developmental issues and outside influences weigh heavily on the outcome. There is no "normal" child, and some children can never conform to society's standards. Love them, celebrate the good, patiently work through the bad and know that my heart is with you.

*As someone who also worked with a lot of other's children as a youth organizer and as a youth theater teacher for more than 20 years, I have found that many children, even in these conditions, respond well to clearly outlined expectations, clearly stated boundaries and consistently applied consequences that are agreed to before problems arise. *

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Lydia winning all around at a regional gymnastics meet

Be patient, understand, children are ALWAYS a work in progress
Make rules as early as they can understand them
Don't frustrate them by demanding something they are incapable of complying with, or should not reasonably be expected to do
Don't surprise them with rule changes and consequences, never punish a child for something that was acceptable behavior yesterday
Be as consistent as possible in enforcing your boundaries and applying consequences, including teaching your children to make amends when they are wrong
Say yes as often as you can, but when you must say no, mean it and stick to it
It is okay to teach your children to work for things that are beyond the norm

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Our crew, Mother's day, the monster in front is Ruby 200# mastiff

**For us, this often means, we provide the basics and pay for what we can, but they have worked to help pay for extracurricular activities, nicer clothes, things they wanted that we could not afford. Set this standard for your own family, but please, even if you can, do not give them everything without expecting effort. *

Keep in mind the preciousness of others and teach your children to be aware of how their actions and choices effect others

**Correct your children with kindness, explain why it matters. **
Do not fight in defense of your child when they are wrong. Protect them from undue consequences, but let them suffer for known poor choices.
**Teach your children to share public spaces respectfully. I do not mean, "be angels", they are still children. **
**Let your children see you work, give, worship (if this is your belief) practice mindfulness, and volunteer and love. **
Answer their questions, especially about sex, there is nothing worse than taking "private" things and turning them into "secrets"

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Dolphin tour, Galveston Bay 2014

**To my knowledge, none of my children ever engaged in sexual activity as minors (yet) what they do as adults, I hope they make wise choices. *

Here is how we handle "the sex talk"

**We answer questions with age appropriate information overkill, using correct terminology and as much detail as they will sit still for. This creates an air of understanding and generally quells curiosity until a later age. **
**All computer usage is conducted in public space. We do not filter our internet. Yes, I know. But, many times, my children have come to me and shown me inappropriate things they have stumbled across, because they know I"m not going to blow up, or shame them, and we correct it together. ** they also police each other! LOL
**We have an "open browser" policy for all minor children in our home. They understand that when accepting responsibility for online activities, mom and dad can, and will, check histories, emails, etc, when we see fit, to find out what they are up to. No privacy software, or passwords we don't have are allowed. This is for their safety. We don't "snoop" unless a problem arises, then, it is dealt with calmly and lovingly. **
**We do not micro mange their viewing, or internet usage. They understand the rules and mostly abide by them. We allow them to learn to make bad choices and correct themselves, in the safety of our home, before sending them into the world and being surprised when they get into trouble. **

**I am not naive to the fact that my children still have secrets from me. I had them from my parents, and you did too. There is nothing I can do to prevent that. I am not expecting all of my children to follow my beliefs lifelong. (hell, some days, I don't even come close) Also, it is not just about those old enough to be justifiably curious and horny, they have younger siblings as well to protect. *

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Me and the girl who gave birth to my 8 favorite people, @ Tulum MX

We have a policy to encourage "friendships" over "dating" until later teen years. Note: we don't try to forbid them from having a significant other, but we don't acknowledge it much, or make a big deal about it
We keep our own sex life private, but not secret. My wife sells for "Pure Romance" so, they are aware of some things other children are not, but no pornographic or explicit images, or information are involved
**As our children age, we openly discuss romantic and sexual topics with them. We ask them about their level of intimacy and discuss their choices with them. We teach them what we believe, ask them to wait until they are of age, and the rest is (as is ALWAYS the case) up to them. **

I encourage my children to work outside of our home from an early age

I had my first job at thirteen. It was my choice. We were poor, I wanted nicer clothes, we had a big family, this was my solution. I try to make sure my kids have what they want, within our budget, but some things they arrange for on their own.

Work teaches them discipline, diplomacy, time and money management
It encourages self reliance and builds self esteem and confidence
It gives them another real world laboratory to test their beliefs and ideas in, against other views.

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*My gorgeous oldest daughter, with my beautiful wife *

I would encourage parents to talk to kids about their jobs. A couple of times, we have helped them negotiate tough situations, and once pulled a kid from employment due to a verbally abusive supervisor, who went too far. I don't want them to be cry babies, but they don't deserve abuse, either.

I try to take the good from my own parents and leave the rest

My parents were not perfect, but they were both there for me, and I never questioned their love or support. The material things they could not supply, they made up for in love and encouragement and I hope I do the same.

When I hear my dad come out of my mouth, I think, okay, was that a good thing, or a bad thing, and correct accordingly.
I try to have good reasons for my expectations and the way I teach my kid, and I try to explain, when I can.
I recognize that it's okay to screw up, and tell my kids when I'm wrong and ask them for forgiveness, and mean it, by doing it differently the next time.

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the next generation, my son and fiance, behind us at a gym meet

Random thoughts

Kids are precious, but resilient, work to be a good parent, love them and they'll surprise you.
One of the best thing about kids is, they are washable
Stuff is replaceable, kids are not, make sure they know they are more valuable than stuff
You are the mom or dad your kids will remember, for always, act accordingly
Don't make your kid everyone else's problem just because you don't want, or know how to train them, get some help
Don't beat youself up, there is no such thing as a perfect parent
Your child is not that other kid, stop comparing and celebrate what is great about them
If you have to choose between giving them more money than is required to be safe and healthy, or more time, give time, every single time
When traveling with kids, buy the smaller souvenir and the bigger experience, it lasts longer
Make birthdays huge! Everyone deserves to be celebrated for one day out of every year
Make sure that when gift giving happens, (christmas, hannukah, whatever your tradition) you teach them to give and receive thankfully and graciously and generously
Spend as much time working on the world you will leave them, as you do preparing them to be a part of it
**Laugh, say thank you, find joy in every single day, being a parent is a magical thing, love it. **