[SATIRE] How To Become a Successful Cult Leader!

How To Become a Successful Cult Leader!

Ah, yes. The cult leader. It’s never one of the choices offered as part of Career Day activities during school and there isn’t a whole lot of reading involved. But in order to be successful at leading your own cult, which gets you access to all sorts of babes, you do need some specific personality traits. Here’s a look at the main ones required.

Off-Centre

Okay. We are trying to be nice here. One really good start at the pathway to Cult Leader status is having slightly askew sense of reality. You know, a bit creepy, a bit nutty. A little bit confused and borderline crazy all tend to enhance one’s ability of being some kind of leader. Since most of the politicians have the Big Seats filled, that leaves a lot of room for you in the Cult Department.

Crappy Diet

Again, there is no nice way of putting this. You would want your disciples to eat certain kinds of food that will make them weak; physically and intellectually. By achieving that, you will have complete dominion. Good diets to consider are juicing, fasting and fruitarianism. Just be careful, so you don't become a victim of your own ploy.

Strange Attraction

As much as a nut job as you are, the fact that you are a leader of some kind is going to make you attractive. When you see doubt or resentment in their eyes, win them over with your charming smile. Blow the ladies some kisses and use the oldest tactic in the book… The wink.

A Cause To Represent

No good cult these days stands a chance without some sort of cause. You need to think out of the box and look for something that other cults are not using. Whatever you do, avoid using words like ‘Holy’ and ‘Righteous’ in the name of your cause. Go for things like 'Brothers & Sisters of Misguided Youth' and you’ll be on your way.

Rock Concert

In order to pull in disciples you need to dip your bat shit crazy ideas into songs. The most effective way to reach the demographic you will be able to influence most is through rock music. Metal in particular. The best part is that when performing and you forget your own words you can stop the band in mid-set and proclaim you’ve just had a vision. Sure, it’ll be blurry but it still counts as a vision. Turn each revival meeting into a spectacular rock concert and you’ll gain a lot of worshippers.

Light Bulb Power

You need to find a way that you can be able to harness all the energy from each concert and gathering to ensure you stay alive. All the good breatharaians do it and they do it with style. When you can focus in enough to turn on a light bulb in the room, you know you’ve made the grade. However, if that pent up energy trapped inside of you escapes from any other orifice, you may want to excuse yourself long enough to collect your thoughts and get back on track.

Wardrobe Preference

Suits and ties are for undertakers. Leather is for bikers. Polyester is for cheesy used car salesmen. As it turns out, you are somewhere in the middle of the last two which means a little bit of polyester mixed with leather will suit you up just fine. Stay away from whites, creams and any pastel colors opting for dark, mysterious and cuckoo.

One More Thing

If you possess at least one of these traits you could be an alright Cult Leader. On the offhand chance you have two to four of them, your odds are much better. Anyone with more than five of these traits is probably already messing with your mind. If you don’t have any of these traits, that’s sort of sad. The upside is that you could always become a doctor or lawyer instead.

Photos by @Jez T and @Melissa A

Thanks for reading!
Let me know your questions in the comments. Remember! Love your fellow Steemians ♥
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