“If pretending will make everything better, can I take a step towards it and embrace this sweet facade?”
This question came ringing in my mind with an intention of alluring my consciousness and draw me into this idea of indulging this pretense just to hide away the real battle my inner self was trying to win. It was a raw risk I wanted to take, hoping that it would make me feel better because all my life, what I wanted was to feel at ease even for a moment. I already stopped thinking what was right and what was not and just start believing with something closer to unrealistic expectations because who am I to just overlook the idea of being happy in this pretense when I know it can quench my thirst for a good life?
“But where would it lead you?”
The deeper side of my soul— my innocence— can't help but whisper this another worry I was trying to ignore, making me feel restless and nauseous knowing that the other part of me believes that faking now will also be faking everything in the future and that standing for this decision will only entice people in my lies and I, eventually, will never distinguish what's real and what's not in every action I try to show. It is scary, I know. It is scary to never know how sincere you are to those people you love, to never know if you're still giving them a bowl of rich words with honesty or now feeding them with your sugar-sweetened lies.
But is it bad look after
my own welfare now?
to even just this once,
choose myself over
anyone else?
People might call me crazy and selfish but believe me, my selflessness led me to this and I regretted every second where I chose to ignore myself in order to satisfy other people's ego. Trying to choose myself now is attempting to save me from losing my reasons to keep moving forward. Would it be too much if I become reckless and drive over this pretense?
“No, darling. But the decision you’re about to make is leading you to the wrong path. Listen to your soul, hear what it is screaming. It knows that this isn’t what you deserve despite believing that it is what you want. Darling, this isn’t you.”
It was my inner self whose innocence was dwelling deeper in me spoke for myself, stopping me from my tracks.
And that voice made me realize that I am now walking towards more complications and hatred. She was right. This isn't me. I know better than faking my intentions and neglecting my pain. I am aware where things will lead me if I dare to choose the wrong escape.
And that was the assurance I needed.
So now I say, “There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable. It may take a lot of courage to put off this mask and face how fcked up our reality is, but doing so is like tasting freedom for the first time. And so I did. Now, I choose not to hide and be a total coward for fearing what might life throw at me. But please, don’t leave me when you witness how things got me ugly.”
Image sources:
https://pin.it/2RuTaTe
https://pin.it/1fgXa4E
You are doing well. Be true to yourself shanny be vulnerable at times. Be prepared to be broken as brokenness makes a great masterpiece.
Grabe ang gagaling nyo talaga ni @rene.neverfound sa creatives.
Thank you so much, kuya! Salamat sa guidance at suporta. ♡
thank you so much po, kuya!!!
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