As an author I think the words we use and the stories we tell play a huge role in how our lives play out. Especially when those stories are about ourselves.
There's a story I stopped telling about myself eleven years ago and now it feels like it happened to a different person, like it isn't even part of my identity at all anymore. That's the story of the three years I spent in a very depressed state during my mid and late twenties. I won't even bother telling you the story, because, like I said, I don't own that as part of me anymore. But I reference it now because I find myself in a similar place now where I'm facing the fact that I've told a particular story about myself since my tween years and, frankly, I'm tired of the story. It hasn't served me well, and I'm ready to let go of it. It's strange, though, because the letting go feels selfish in some ways, even though I can, and possibly should, spin a story where it's not. And there's always the question of whether or not it's always wrong to be selfish. But that's a post for another day.
So what is this story that I'm letting go of? That I have to hold space for another person's mental illness.
I've always been a safe person for people who struggle with sanity or their pasts or their own self-sabotage. I've always opened myself up as a source of unconditional love and support, trying to redirect them to healthier choices, shoring them up, etc. I'm incredibly accepting of nearly anything in another person and I've found over the years that people are HUNGRY for that kind of love. So, over the years, the majority of my friendships have been with people struggling deeply in some way.
The problem?
I'm tired.
I'm deeply, deeply, deeply tired.
Energetic reciprocity is a thing, guys. And what I really crave right now are relationships with people where we pull each other up again and again, riding waves higher together, moving forward in our lives toward the common goals of BETTER, and ONWARD, and CLARITY. I'm tired of feeling like this is my life:
Trying to drag adults kicking and screaming into a better future for themselves is exhausting work. I've put in years of it and, frankly, it's too much. Especially when you're getting nothing in return. So I'm walking away from this story about myself. Don't get me wrong: I still love these people. I'm just done assigning any part of my energy to a black hole. I can still love the source of the black hole without pouring into it.
So I am still a safe space for those who struggle with depression or addiction or whatever, in that I will love them unconditionally. I will hold a space of love for when they do the work they need to do to get better. But I am no longer open to putting my energy into that darkness. If there's nothing coming back from the pit? If it's just a massive hole of darkness that takes and takes and never returns? No. I won't pour into that anymore.
And, yes, there are personal events behind all of this, but I can't seem to get the words around it. It's far too vast with a bunch of backstory. And, again, it's a story I want to stop telling. I'm trying to let go. There are two songs I listen to a lot lately that help me with the letting go. I'll share them here. Maybe they'll be better at capturing what I'm trying to explain than I am at actually explaining it.
The Part Where You Let Go
Machete by Amanda Palmer
I love this post so much. You are so self-aware LB. so much is determined by the stories we tell ourselves, who we identify as, etc. i'm so glad you brought this point, that we can change our gears and our stories as to how we want to be going forward.
you are a very loving and empathetic person. I can understand how you were in the predicament… but a black hole is a black hole. 👈🏽 That is such an excellent point by the way… You don't know at the beginning of a friendship who's going to be the black hole , but after a while it becomes apparent even when we don't want to believe it. If We keep Feeding it, it's a bottomless pit of darkness. Thank you for helping me see this with this post… I have a few relationships I should probably reevaluate as well
Okay more to say on this one...
Lately Ive been reading a couple of old school self help books. Louise Hay, "You Can Heal Your Life", and Byron Katie, "Who Would You Be Without Your Story."
Idk why I was drawn to these books, but I was and they are each about releasing our stories. Getting out of our own way. Releasing our hold backs. Thought it was very interesting then when I saw your post here about releasing your story. 😊
This morning I resume my read while thinking of you and your post from yesterday. And in the very next part of the Louise Hay book she brings up:
Whoa! I didn't think Of this before...I mean I know it, but didn't consider it when I read your post. Our patterns do reveal our needs, and so I'm curious your thoughts, or if you have thought about it, why you think you were always so open to attracting the downtrodden, then mentally ill, and the needy? What did (do?) those relationships fulfill for you?
Maybe it doesn't matter. You seem very centered and resolved that you are done with this story 👌🏼🙏🏽, but notice if this remains a challenge in time no matter how strong it feels that you've resolved to not feed their beasts and get sucked into the black holes. 😘
I'm trying to watch my own patterns to reveal my needs too. So I can release my stories...I see many, but it's so much harder to see your own than someone else's...you know? It's like trying to see your own rump! 🤣 You know it's back there and what it looks like generally, but you can't get far enough away from yourself to really gain perspective and see it clearly.
❤️❤️
What you write only sounds too familiar. It is said, that one makes a major change in life in ones early to mid forties, when you sort of really evaluate your life looking back and wonder if you've made the right decisions.
Happened for me big time and I pretty much turned everything upside down. Ended a bad relationship, major move and a new approach for my work.
Eventually you have to come to understand what happens, when you add any kind of energy or mass (same in the end) to a black hole... it gets bigger!!
You have a right for a bright beautiful future and unless you have a child, that's the only future you are responsible for :-)
Like addiction, people will only come to this when they are ready. All the rest of us can hope to do is make ourselves and our ideas available. Try not to lose what you put into your efforts, find something for yourself you can take out that does not include recognition from anyone other than the people you are closest too (the people who love you). Keep up the good fight everyone.
Thanks for the re-steem! :) And the warm comment.
that is inspiring
:) Thanks.
Always welcome
Upvoted and also resteemed!