Does that even make sense? Probably not. I'm just sorta thinking out loud to sorta reason with myself.
Reading this you'll probably get some insight into how the autistic mind thinks and works stuff out cause I'm just writing as I think and sort out my thoughts lol..
I'm terrified of failing.. so I never try to succeed.
I'm sat here thinking, I am afraid to try do anything.. because if I do I could lose all my benefits and income and be royally screwed.
I'm even concerned about simply having my hive account now as well.. it's annoying this feeling and throughts.
So let me lay out some context here.
I'm autistic, and for all of my life I have been on benefits (I live in the UK) and I live with my dad who cares for me.
I'm 35 now..
Being on benefits I'm pretty much on the poorest end of the wealth divide but I'm smart enough to live within my means so I don't go spending money willy nilly.
Now the issue with benefits is.. if you attempt to have some form of income. work etc. you pretty much lose them, With Universal credit there is actually a taper system but I'm not on that yet. (actually getting move over this year so maybe it'll be easier to do something soon?)
Granted.. I'm pretty sure PIP is not effected by how much income you have.. I think the term is means tested or something.
If that in mind.. what am I even afraid of? Like once I'm on universal credit, I can start working on some income streams sure my universal credit will taper off but I should be fine still right?
Thing is.. I don't actually understand how anything works. it's all so confusing.. even the forms are a nightmare to fill in, my dad does it, A. because my handwriting is horrific B. I have a chronic condition that causes me to understate actual needs..
Like.. even now.. I've been what some would consider seriously ill for over a year.. but to me it's now just the new normal and I'm like what ever.. sure I'm spending more money on medication to keep things under control and now my hands hurt all the time and I'm chronically exhausted. But it's just how it is now so w/e.. That's how things usually go..
Of course as I type this I'm thinking the above is completely insane. logically I can work everything out and be like I KNOW what I need to do.. but physically and mentally I can't bring my self to DO anything. Autism? depression? I donno.. what causes this. ADHD maybe?
Should I get medication.. I hate medication.. I'd like to not have to take anything but.. I would like to actually be able to function as a human being..
Not to mention.. Getting a doctors appointment.. is actually really easy.. even though I say it's impossible... Yes there is waiting times and all that but... I hate making phonecalls.. they are actually physically painful for me the amount of stress and anxiety they give me.
If my GP would actually provide online services like they a MANDATED to do. then sure I'd be able to get doctors appointments..
Which brings me to my next fear.. having to go to hospitals.. Last time I went I passed out from stress TWICE and scared the living fuck out of all the staff who thought I was dying. Felt like it really cause when it happens my bloodpressure plumets and takes forever to return to normal. I usually can't move that much for 10-15 minutes after an episode...
So I fear.. being stressed.. Being in the unknown.. I get lost easily.. I have one memory of going for an x-ray and I was so confused and lost because instructions not clear... I only just managed to get through that day..
Maybe I should.. turn this on it head completely.. and just embrace the fact.. That.. I likely will require a handler/carer at all times..
It's actually really upsetting.. that inside me there is this smart logical person but when it comes to trying to function outside in the real world it just instantly falls apart and I become this incomprehensible mess..
I... fear the fact my dad isn't going to be around forever.. It plays on my mind that eventually that day will come.
I have no plans in place. There is currently no support network.. Would I just suck it up and deal with it when the time comes?
I should mention that I never talk about this stuff to other people because it just breaks me even more..
I think.. but that's about all I can do..
and not I've lost my thought process so.. yeah.. donno what to make of all this..
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Forms and phone calls, Same on that.
I would say. That anything you do here on the chain that provides a reward. Is not an income. It turns to an income when you cash it out.
What I take from the post. You need someone to talk to. Talking to dad about things is not the same. Cause he is dad.
I am not the best person for a friend. I do not always have the answers, Mostly I have more questions. If I was to help you filling out forms. I would get my sister to help me help you haha.
I think you need a someone to talk to.
My DM is open to you to talk about anything, Or just for someone to shout at if needed.
I'm not sure why it works this way be it just does it seem.
I appreciate it, though I feel like it's also something I just.. don't do really. Cause I don't want to seem like I'm just dumping everything on people like crazy.
I also don't want to feel like I'm just dumping everything on people..
Even though I KNOW talking helps a lot.. it's like this post helps because I've effectively talking to myself.
Oddly enough I feel like talking to someone who's JOB is to talk about these things isn't the best. I guess it depends on the person cause I have distinct memories of talking to people and feeling like they aren't genuinely interesting in what I'm saying.
Donno why that works that way either really. Perpetually feeling like a massive burden even if the very same people you are 'burdening' say you are not.
But still I do appreciate the offer.
Well I can tell you, I feel a burden when I listen to people.
It is hard to listen to the troubles of others. Especially because there is very little can be done to help.
The burden to me when I listen, IS not to talk too much, To stay silent and listen. Then I have all these things going around in my head that I have to filter through and try ignore the emotion.
But it does not hurt me. It can take me down for a while. the not being able to help. But my whole life as been a struggle to find another that can understand me. In the journey I found ways to understand those who cannot understand me.
The door is always open.
I can actually very much relate to this. Listening feel quite easy on paper perhaps this is why I always feel like a burden to people even if they claim I'm not?
Because I know already that listening to this stuff IS a burden no matter what.
I will say, even these conversations on chain are greatly helpful. It has this kind of grounding effect that just gets your head in the right frame of mind to tackle a few issues or maybe make a little bit of progress.
I'm actually in the process of making yet more lists. sticky notes on my desktop that help me keep track of things and thoughts. I'm going to track all the things I do for the day so I can actually acknowledge that I've been productive and accomplished something.. even if it's getting the washing done lol.
That and also defining some bite sized goals helps a ton it seems.
Let me put it bluntly to you.
I am here for you to burden.
I do need to shoot out for about 30 minutes though.
It is only by taking the burden I can be there for you.
I have taken heavier loads than you carry.
I am 56 probably about the same age as Dad.
Oh, Use the tag teamuk in your posts.
https://discord.gg/5ahzvyaN