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They should be throwing money at me for the privilege of me even casting a sideways glance at them. When I was younger, I ended up at upmarket clubs every once in a while because of bachelors parties or everyone deciding it will be our next stop on our pub crawl. I think it's been 5 times max.

At one club, a fancy waitron brought me a dinner menu while a Ukrainian butthole was bopping up and down mere inches from my face. Buttholes. Always me and the buttholes.

Not the fuck am I eating under those conditions. Now, just like with casinos, I find these places depressing, where the desperate go to chase a dragon which is always just out of reach. It's also gross to be honest, no matter how hot the girls are.

If you want blue balls, grab a mallet and give them a good whack. Way cheaper.