I've been moderately depressed for years. A decade, possibly more, I honestly can't remember when it started.
Around the age of 19, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and thought hey, maybe I'm just missing thyroid hormones! This will fix everything!
And while certain things did get better, I was still depressed.
I learned to cope with it, my anxiety pushing me to stay productive. Healthy food, exercise, friends, activities, self-care, therapy. All those things helped me keep my head over water until - well, you all know what's going on in the world right now.
Ireland (where I live) has had very strict lockdowns over and over again. At first, I could handle it, but since January 2021, my mood has been dropping consistently until I was definitely severely depressed. I didn't have a single good day in months and it just kept getting worse.
That's the time when you start considering antidepressants, and consider I did. For years I have rejected medication because I was convinced I could "push through". And I did, most of the time. It wasn't pretty, and I definitely would've liked to use that energy for other things.
But this time I had reached the limit of how much I was able to do through sheer willpower.
Today is my 7th day on fluoxetine. It hasn't technically been long enough to definitely know if it'll work for me, but the past week has been the best and most stable in ... I can't remember, honestly.
The first three days I had so much energy, it was ridiculous! I just wanted to laugh and do things.
Then I had a day where I felt like I was going to throw up any moment now - but my mood was still good! Luckily, this symptom only lasted a day.
I feel like it's balancing out now, I don't feel particularly energetic but I'm also not back to being horribly depressed. My anxiety is down, which is a nice side effect. But as a result, I also can't be arsed to do any work (good thing I decided to take it easy this week).
I'm taking my time to settle into this new state of mind.
Something I have noticed today is that I am finally able to actually face all the things that I'm missing. It's no longer a feeling of "everything is horrible and I should just die", it's much more nuanced.
It's been over a year since I did anything with friends that wasn't just an outside lunch meeting between two or three labs on campus.
I didn't have a graduation ceremony for my MSc degree.
I didn't get to hang out with my classmate/friend who's now back in Canada.
I'm in the 7th month of my PhD and it's terribly lonely because every interaction with my lab mates is between experiments - we can't hang out at the end of the day.
I haven't seen my family since Christmas 2019.
I had to move my wedding to 2022 because obviously, I can't have it this summer.
Now that I don't feel horribly depressed anymore, I feel grief, I feel sadness, I feel apathy because I won't get vaccinated until late summer (earliest).
But it's nice to not be depressed, to not be enveloped in a constant brain fog that numbs every happy emotion.
I enjoy actually feeling joy again because hell, I haven't really been feeling that in a while.
I really hope it sticks, maybe I'll update you a few more weeks in.
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the numbing nothingness that lingers in our thoughts... past present future wrapped in meaninglessness... even if we know better, reality is shaped by our state of mind.
I know how it feels!!
medication is a last resort, good to know it seems to be helping...
stay strong!
If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, store-bought is fine!
lol, true...
I'm Canadian; so I just smoke weed.
Hah. The few times I came in contact with weed smoke I got horribly sick immediately
It's not for everyone. And for anxiety, it works differently. Some of the really strong strains will give you anxiety like you've never felt before, making the actual day-to-day anxiety seem mellow in comparison. I guess that's one way to describe it. Still hard to explain. I don't take it daily anymore though. What that does is allow your mind to be more accepting of things that aren't quite working out. Doesn't give the energy to solve them. But again, the effects are different for almost everyone.
Interesting! Sounds like you can really fuck up when you don't know what you're smoking
If you're not used to it, yeah. There are some strains that provide an uplifting, energetic and happy mood. When it was illegal, it was always a surprise. Now we have fancy packaging with lab results and online reviews to look over before purchasing.
A once per year heavy dose of psilocybin works great for depression. At least, it does for me anyway.
I'm such a good influence!
Those pills are probably a way better idea. I'm not sure if I want to experiment with them though. There's one side effect that scares the crap out of me, but it's rare.
lol, only helps until it doesn't.
I know. Have to take long breaks between short spurts. Then it doesn't lose what's 'good' about it.
this is 100% accurate I'd say... which makes it a great remedy for the "fed-up-with-the-state-of-the-world" kind of depressed days...
I'm not so sure about how it affects a lasting, possibly hormone induced depression.
I'd probably recommend a therapeutic endeavour into psylocibin over weed
Yup. I just mentioned that in another comment. Best done alone with your thoughts, I find.