Wow. It's crazy how much we have in common that's so trippy. I'm also bipolar with borderline personality disorder i guess? I always refuse the mood disorder diagnosis cuz I won't get anxiety meds and it makes me feel crazy.
I have seen mother dearest and that sounds like a complete nightmare. At least you didnt end up in prison like the little girl did. A+ for self control. I can't stand the idea of a child confiding in her mother, telling her about the abuse and being declared a liar or blowing up the whole thing, thats so emotionally scarring. I cant even imagine the vile things she said that pushed you towards an eating disorder.
My dad's mom, my grandmother, is a total snob obsessed with self image... Well the image of others more so. She doesn't care about her own but everytime I see her since I was a little kid, shes had something to say about my weight. She'd compare me to my skinny cousins all the time and I ended up with a major complex and low self esteem I still carry. I got down to 103 (I'm 5'5) and I was so excited to be able to have a visit with her without being called fat or ugly, and the moment I sat down she told me I looked sick and started shoving food down my throat. You just can't win with some people. But starving became an addiction in itself and it tends to be my go to drug. Weighing myself becomes a romance.
I can't even imagine being shot with an arrow let alone being locked in a bathroom for 3 months holy fuck you've overcome so much. I forgot alot about the abusive relationship I was in for a couple years. When I finally remembered, it was only because I'd written it down shortly after it happened.
You're everything I've always strived to be. Wise and experienced in most areas of life. Unfortunately alot of them are dark and full of misery but I guess wisdom is born through misery in a way. I think I can even agree, the list of drugs I have yet to try is nearly nonexistant. PCP, Meth and Heroin. I've tried everything else along with a long list of designer drugs. I used to have a bucket list dedicated to drugs lol I always said it was a psychology experiment... Researching the alteration of ones mind. It was partly true but became just a really sophisticated excuse to be an addict.
I did something similar to your story with my dad. He'd go off on me about school, so I'd do drugs to tolerate being at home, then I ran away and quit school to prove a point. To prove I was my own person with my own choices and that I didn't need a piece of paper to show my intelligence. I wanted to prove I could get somewhere without all the bullshit they say we need. (Diploma, degree, etc)
I didn't expect to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 20 years old. I think thats the worst part about it. My mom was diagnosed with it after I was born. My birth triggered it in her; but for me, I've wondered what the trigger was for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if it's from all the drugs I've abused... Maybe I huffed too much Duster.
Doctors actually laugh at me when I tell them I have fibromyalgia. They mock an say "self diagnosed?" Meanwhile I'm holding back tears contemplating suicide thinking how fucking dare you?
What illness do you have, if you dont mind me asking? And when were you diagnosed?The only silver lining I see is that fibromyalgia doesnt damage anything but... I sometimes wish I'd been diagnosed with something fatal. At least then I'd have an outdate. Because it feels like I'm battling cancer and everyone thinks its bulllshit and I'm just whiney. I wish the pain showed so I wouldn't feel so guilty about being exhausted all the time.
I don't know how you've made it so far. I always thought I'd die before I was old enough for any of my actions to catch up to me but here I am; mad about it. And that was before the fibro. It's hard to move on and put it in the back of your mind when youre constantly reminded by your throbbing joints and heavy head. I'm terrified of what's ahead. I can't imagine I'll make it far but maybe I'll figure it out sooner than later. You have a much better outlook on life than I do and from how it sounds, youre in a hell of alot more pain than I am. I find that extraordinary. All I wanna do is curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of my life, maybe binge out on xanax... While you and most eveyone else just keep on keeping on. Its amazing and so admirable. I want that.
Where did you move to the U.S from? Did you stay once you got away from that sack of shit? And you have a daughter, even suffering with bipolar disorder, you went through hell just to stay by her through all that time <3
I'm always worrying about having kids and abandoning them during some manic episode... At the same time, everything I've experienced was for lessons to teach my kids. I'll bet you make an amazing mom and your daughter is wise beyond her years because of you.
A battleground of angels and demons. Describes me perfectly. Always teetering on the edge of good and evil.
Thank you for sharing so much of your story with me. You have no idea how much it means to know someone who ACTUALLY knows what its like.. Everything combined, you've been through everything I have and more and you're still going. That's so unbelievably settling I can't even express it.
I say it again, I'm very happy to have met you, I truly believe that everything is for a reason and I have a feeling I'm gonna grow alot just following and reading your posts. You're already rewiring my mind bit by bit. The world can be a prison or it can be a playground. I suppose it's all in perspective (:
My relationship to my daughter is complicated in some ways I was a stellar mom in other ways horrible because I was too young and dealing with my trauma. And i have the bad days trust me and deep dark depression hole where i take care of the animals then slink to my bed and just feel sorry for myself. The trick to making it this far is -
surviving, you just find more of your groove the older you get I was a total mess at your age, insecure , lost , hurting and searching. Things find their way. And yes I left ass hat years ago. My diagnosis is Hereditary Neuropathy. It took them ages to find out what it was. As for school i went back to school at 41 got myself 3 degrees and it was the stupidest thing I ever did -LOL 4.0 GPA never opened a book and what for for a piece of paper and over 100000 in debt. Degrees are only useful if you are required to have one for a job. Otherwise just learn everything you want to know yourself. Be kinder to yourself, learn to refine your instincts. You cannot change the past so focus on your future one day and on hard days one hour at a time. <3
That's kind of how I expect my relationship with my future kids will be... My mom and I got significantly closer when I was diagnosed with Fibro. It being hereditery and all, she has it too along with similar mental issues. Since being diagnosed, ive gained so much respect for my mother. She's so strong. With the amount of pain I'm in on a nearly daily basis, I can't even imagine how it would be chasing around 4 little kids. I'm sure she'll soon start seeing things from your eyes. I know I did shortly after reaching adulthood. Seeing my friends raise their kids, and wondering how I'd handle certain situations. When I became an adult, the relationship with my parents changed drastically because I could finally look at things from their angle.
I just read up a bit about your condition. I can't even imagine how frustrating and painful that feels. Losing sensations and losing your ability to walk. You've gotta be rolling your eyes at me as I complain; my pain doesn't even compare. It's amazing that you've been able to climb out of every hole you've dug, the same hole of depression I seem to be constantly stuck in. I'd stay in bed forever if my guilt didn't drag me out.
I have the same view on college degrees. I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying off debt for a degree I earned for a job I never find. So many people get degrees now only to find theres no work because there's so much competition.
My mom always says the same thing. "Take it one day at a time..
Or one hour at a time. Whichever seems easiest."
If youre not living in the past, youre living in the future, and when I look forward, I rarely see anything. I think I'd rather live in the moment and stop stressing over what ifs all the time. It's so much easier said than done. I wish I could sleep until everything becomes simple haha
I always try to think of life as 70 years of learning as many lessons as possible so that my next life is easier; this way I approach most shitty situations with a smile. I've just gotta figure out how to do that with the fibro. I better feel high as a kite in my next life though or I swear to god LOL
Pain is pain, suffering is suffering and nerve pain is the worst. have you tried using a tense unit when the pain gets to bad ? it can make it a bit easier it's sort of like white noise canceling out a tinus ....it works sometimes for me .. not always ...
I've actually never heard of a tense unit, I'll have to look into it! I've avoided medication because they only want to give me antidepressants and those make me crazy af. Muscle relaxers have helped. I'd like to workout more, eat healthier because I know that directly effects the flare ups. It's just hard when youre stuck in bed. I'll definitely look into it, maybe even try heating pads like my mom does. Thank you for the suggestion I hope it works for me (:
Cannabis oil can help, stay away from Pharma you are n the age group where antidepressants make you suicidal. tens unit > https://www.amazon.com/HealthmateForever-Electronic-Arthritis-Inflammation-No-USD723178S/dp/B00O7CM12W/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1519933880&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=tens+unit&psc=1
Thank you! I'm actually waiting on my med card to be approved and come in the mail right now, I'm really looking forward to trying all the different types of rubs and products. I'm getting antsy just thinking about it. I've tried so many antidepressants, it's considered treatment resistant. I absolutely refuse them now and that's the only way I've been able to get what I truly need. I'd like to switch over to a more natural method- cut out all pharmaceuticals and go with only natural things. I really hope the medical marijuana dispensaries have everything I need. It worked for my mom.