Well, I haven't really talked about this yet. It has been a work in progress, and the progress has been zig zag and diagonal all over the place, but today I learned some things that made me ready to talk about it.
A little personal history
I have 4 children from 3 different guys. I married the father of the first one. That marriage ended abruptly - crash and burn style after about 3 years. A few months after we separated, I got pregnant in a rebound fling type deal. I hadn't been pregnant long when I started dating the guy who, in the end, took on the role of father to my second child. We were together for seven years, though we never married. That relationship ended even worse. We will call it nuclear explosion style.
My current husband and I started dating in December 2010. We were pregnant by July. Yes, I know. I am rather fertile. It was touch and go at that point. During the pregnancy, there were a few months we didn't speak to each other. Toward the end, we started to patch things up. As soon as Solomon was born, he was quite smitten and things seemed to be turning. Then came Lulu, and shortly after her birth, he proposed, and we just started referring to ourselves as married, including on taxes. In the state of SC, common law marriage is still a thing.
Without going into a lot of detail, things have turned for the worse. I have been ready to split up for more than a year and a half now, but I wanted it to be a mutual decision. I wanted to avoid the crash and burn scenarios of the past. I wanted us to part amicably. After all, this is the one guy I have more than one child with!
Is it possible?!
As it turns out that shit is more complicated than it sounds. I want to be amicable, but I also want to avoid encouraging him to think everything is ok. It's a very difficult balance, but you know what makes it easier? Honesty.
Every time I say what's going on and how I feel, the air is cleared of the toxic wasteland of tension, and when I'm clear about where I'm at, I don't have to worry about him thinking we are getting back together.
I'll give you an example. A few weeks ago, we finally definitively decided to split up. An amicable agreement. Just what I was praying for. Then he started talking about both of us moving to a different village, as though we were moving together. I started to panic. In my mind he had convinced himself we weren't splitting up. When we finally actually talked about it today, he said, “no, of course I haven't forgotten. We just can't afford to live separate yet, and we both need to get out of here. We both move out, and then we separate when we can afford it. I think we can tolerate each other that long.” Let me tell you. I have been freaking out for weeks. For absolutely no reason.
What the ever loving f is going on here?!
Well, I never ever ever want to hurt anyone's feelings. So there's that. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel. I can't say what's going on for his part, but this is a pattern between women and men, as well as girls and boys. I see my 4 yo daughter trying to protect the feelings of my 6 yo son. It's ingrained in us, but why?
This comes up on a search on pixabay for hurt feelings. I think this is pretty telling.
I suppose the base of it is that men are physically larger. Not wanting to upset them probably has some sort of biological intuition at its core, though in my case I have never felt physically threatened. Then culturally, we see it rampant. In movies and shows and music. Women are forever protecting men’s feelings and egos. If a man hollers out inappropriately and a woman calls him out, she's being a bitch? How does that work? How is it ok for a man to be rude and vulgar but not ok for a woman to tell him to stand down? Why are his feelings more important than hers? Good question. It is hard to imagine a situation where this dynamic is more toxic than in recent school shooting incidents where girls are shamed for having rejected the advances of someone so toxic they ended up shooting large numbers of people in a school. Gee. I can't imagine why she didn't want to date a psychopath. Yet she "should have been nicer to him." So he wouldn't shoot people? I can dig deeper into this, but it's really just quite honestly a simple outcome of a patriarchal society. It just is, and it's one of the things we have to change.
Now, clearly, part of this is just my particular personality, but it is certain that women often hold their tongues to protect men's feelings. Men, of course, aren't allowed much in the realm of emotions, but they are certainly allowed and encouraged to determine what they want and go for it, regardless of whose feelings get hurt. This is easily seen in the way women and men are treated differently when they have an affair.
Let’s make a change
When I see my daughter doing this, I make sure she knows it's not just ok to say how she feels but important. I make sure she knows to be kind, but also clear. I also make sure my son knows that it's ok for others to say how they feel and that his own sense of self worth is independent of others’ opinions.
In the end, though, I have to lead by example. I have to say how I feel and not be afraid of the effects of those words on others. I have to be clear and open and honest. I will always try to be kind, but I have to make an effort to be more open. It's very interesting because I just did a whole post about how open I am with my emotions, but it seems my daughter nailed it that I am willing to show happy, sad or angry but not necessarily talk about what I'm really feeling underneath or what's bothering me.
Much love, y’all!
As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.
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I am not sure what to say. I got to the end and felt speechless.
I hope the best for you. I also pray for reconciliation in relationships. Keep loving on the kiddos.
I appreciate the kind words. We are committed to continuing to give the kids a high level of love and nurturing as we always have while also allowing all of us to live in peace.
You are finding your way, I know that. And yes, to be open with your feelings is easy, but to talk about them requires a lot of courage!! Much love to you my dear!! I find it interesting that so many people right now are walking through huge shifts in life!
I know. There does seem to be a lot of upheaval lately. I am getting better about learning to talk, but it's not always well received. Guess some people preferred my silence. Thanks for the love.
Thank you, too!
Thanks so much for sharing this. It must be such a tough time for you and your family. I'm sure your blog will really help others in similar situations and I also hope it helped you to get it written down. Big love to you, keep on being the amazing mama you are and never doubt it for one second xxx
It is quite a challenging time. I do hope my words will help others. It is not an ideal situation, but it is better for everyone for us to not live together. I don't want the kids to grow up in the current toxic shitshow.
it is hard to walk away from some one whom you have shared your life with and created a family with, but you have to stay true to you and speak from your heart, of course it is super easy for me to say all this, I understand that it is difficult to actually do it, but you know what, you are doing it, you are being open on here and the rest will follow. You need to put yourself first, you so deserve to be happy. Sending you much love and light mama xxx
Thank you so much, mama. I appreciate the love. Honestly, I am so ready. I think waiting to let it unfold rather than doing a dumpster fire helped me be more ready. Usually, once I have crossed the line in the sand, I don't turn back. Takes me a while to get there, but once I have, I am pretty set in my ways.
I dont know what to say madame. I just came from a living situation with my ex also already being broken up but peacefully together for multiple weeks. Was I happy that this was possible? Yes. Did this make it more easy? No, hell no.
I think women are wise enough to not always say what is on their tongue for the bigger picture. Maybe because often this is emotinal rambling and there is no real point in speaking out everything, I really dont know.
I hope it all will be fine for you, in the end it all will!
That is so spot on. I am glad we can, but it is so hard. We certainly haven't stopped fighting. It's getting exhausting.
For sure don't need to say everything in my brain. Some serious dark shit shows up in there, but I definitely need to share more than I do. Gotta find some kind of balance.
It will be fine for sure. I'm hoping for resolution sooner than later.
Can imagine...not a situation that is sustainable for everybody. Hopefully you get stuff sorted out very soon, stay strong!
Thank you! I so appreciate the support of my Steemit community right now. I feel we are making progress right now. I'm just running short on patience.
Oh wow girl... Im not even sure what to say to you but my heart goes out to you and I really hope and pray that you get through this transition with as little pain as possible, and that you find peace and strength when you are settled.
♥ ♥ ♥
Thanks, mama. It definitely helps for everything to be in the open. I'm so ready to be on the other side of the separation, though.
Yes, venting and sharing the pain with others helps for sure...
hugs
It really does. I'm so glad for this community!
You really had a colorful life, never boring for sure :D Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. Keep your smile on, life will always provide for you what you need, even when you do not expect it and even when you think that is not what you need. Stay strong and keep being your awesome self, everything else will follow 💚
Thank you! I decided long ago that boring is not for me! Some days get me down, but I always bounce back. I keep trusting creator has my back even when it doesn't feel that way.
So much of this resonates with me. Maybe in odd ways, but still. I haven't been known for sparing people's feelings that much, but I know I do it with my husband. Mainly, I suppose, because of something he said when I was trying to get him to fight with me over something. He said, "I don't want to fight with you, because you're willing to be far more cruel than I am and I refuse to do anything to hurt you that much."
And he was right. I know it probably SOUNDS like it's a manipulation, but we have an unusual situation and he wasn't wrong. Some part of me loses sight of things when I'm furious and I'll lash out and say things that can't be unsaid.
After that, I tend to swing in the opposite direction because I don't trust myself and I will go out of my way to NEVER say anything hurtful, I'll couch my disappointment or anger in softer terms, trying to not cause hurt.
I have a REAL problem trying to find a balance.
Yes. This is so spot on. I get crazy angry. I don't say hateful shit so much anymore, other than an occasional fuck you. I just scream and leave. When I was trying to make it work, I would soften shit too. I doubt I'll be in another ltr, but if I am it will be interesting to see if I can share without rage.
I wish it was easier for men to express their emotions, and for women to not feel that they have to restrain themselves. I like to think that I did a good job of raising my boys to express themselves and raising my girls to own their own feelings and emotions and not be afraid of them.
I hope I have too. My daughter has made huge strides in the last year.
Thank you for teaching your daughter the importance of speaking up for herself and expressing her feelings.
I've been working on not leaving important things unsaid. It can be hard, embarrassing, and scary but it's worth it to say what's really on your mind. I'm finding that I can't assume that people understand or know how I feel if I don't tell them.
I hope you get your amicable split. I can relate on a few levels to this post. ❤️✨
Thank you so much for all of this. I am realizing that I haven't been as good as I'd like about speaking up, and I do have this expectation people will know because I usually know what others are feeling.
I have good reason to hope for the amicable split, though we are still fighting a good bit. I think we are both ready to be done.